Page: 1 2
butterflylove
Banned user
Global user
Registered: 12-2008
Posts: 620
Karma: 28 (+28/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
My letter to my sister in denial-just working through things
I have come to grips with my mother being an N and one of my sisters being an N.
Right now the most difficult task I must come to accept that is that my other sister is disordered as well.
I KNOW, truly know about the cycle of abuse, I KNOW how abuse damages whoever it touches, I KNOW this intelectually, yet in my heart I am not there yet, my inner child still longs for that loving faimly she never had.
It cuts deepest in regards to my one sister, I am the baby in the family, everyone spoiled me, per say. This one sister, I grew up with and my soul purpose when I was a child was to make her life misrable...ahh the life of the youngest child.
This sister became my mother, as my N mother was a single working mother to support 5 children, I remember when I turned 18 and this sister got married and moved to the west coast...she said "You will miss me when I am gone" She was right, as I became an adult our relationship matured, I no longer wanted to make her life misrable, she became my best friend, she once told me I was her soul sister. I thought I had a connection with my family, a strong bond, I never went 1 day without talking to someone in my family.
I remember my 2 sisters would go months without talking, I said to myself "What is up with that? I would never do that"
Well now that is exactly where I am at, I have distanced myself away from my family, it has been good for the most part, I know that they are toxic for me, yet I do have small moments where it is painful as hell.
Today was one of those moments, yesterday was my b-day, I am on travel for work, I got up and decided to treat myself, I played tourist and saw the sites, it felt damn good.
Today I got an e-mail from my sister that read:
"Happy Birthday, I love you"
If I would have gotten this from my N sister or mother I can fully grasp emotionally the meaning of their e-mail. Yet with this sister I am not emotionally there yet.
It sent me back, I feel like that scared little girl who just wants love, who just wants that hug from her older sister...I know this is a trigger..I still have to deal with my feelings emotionally in regards to this sister.
I have tried to commuincate with this sister and we are both on opposite sides, she is stuck in denial of our family, the abuse, she is married to alcoholic and has kids with him. She is just like the rest of the family and sees me as the scapegoat, they all want to control me.
I can't go back, I can't change the past, I can't change them, they are who they are, I have to accept that, it is toxic, it is not what I deserve.
The process of healing has many layers, this e-mail just proved I still have some work to do.
It is good to get my feelings and emotions out about this, the old me would have bottled inside and repressed it.
What I want to do right now is respond to her e-mail, yet I know that will do no good, I tried that last month and she hit me with all sorts of abuse, manipulations.
That is why I am posting here, responding to my sister will do no good, I can not make her love me the way I deserve to be loved, she is just grasping and if I respond it will just feed her...cause what I want to do by responding is change her, I can not change anyone, posting this is helping me to get my feelings and emotions out here..
Sister, I love you, I will always love you
Our family has suffered tremendously, my father was not a healthy person, he hurt all of you, I do wish I could go back and change that, yet I can't. It hurts like hell I know, he made you feel unlovable and unworthy, I feel it too. It sucks, your father left you when you were just a child and then my father came into your life, promised to make it better and then made your life a living hell, I know, when your father came back into my life he did the samething to me
Our mother suffered during her childhood, she didn't protect us the way a loving mother should have...our mother is not healthy..I do wish I could go back and change that yet I can't. Your mother is supposed to be the one who loves you, it sucks, it is hell, it feels like a big huge raw sore that never heals and everyday someone pores acid on it.
Our family just keeps repeating the cycle of abuse, we have talked about this, you deny it protect yourself, if you admit it that means there is something wrong with you, your whole life people tell you there is something wrong with you..I know.
Yet I CAN NO LONGER be your scapegoat, when you look at me you see my father, I AM NOT MY FATHER. I AM NOT THE OBJECT you can control.
I AM ME and I DESERVE love, not abuse, I am staying away from the family for that very reason and Sister I do love you, yet I love me too..
That is the very reason I may never come back to the family.
---
If anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town. Matthew 10:14
|
|
Jan/11/2009, 2:18 am
|
|
Daffodil66
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 12-2008
Posts: 134
Karma: 2 (+2/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: My letter to my sister in denial-just working through things
Butterfly, I hope this helped you to get some feelings of your shoulders. It's so difficult when you are the one who has to walk away. It's ok "to love me...." you deserve to have a bit of peace and love and to look after yourself, the N and other members of my family also try the same thing....birthdays, Christmas, reminding me of my N sibling's birthday, trying to make me feel guilty for walking away to look after myself, but I know how I feel when I've been on both sides of the coin, and I know which one I prefer. Stay strong, I'm glad you treated yourself on your birthday! You deserve that.
|
|
Jan/11/2009, 6:04 am
|
|
butterflylove
Banned user
Global user
Registered: 12-2008
Posts: 620
Karma: 28 (+28/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: My letter to my sister in denial-just working through things
Daffodil,
Thank you for your support, it means more than you know, I have had to be strong for so long, I held in my emotions in, I have repressed them, I also had no outlet for them.
And yes, I do feel better...a hell of a lot better.
(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) to you Daffodil, as I can empathize with you, I am sorry you have had to deal with this in regards to your family.
I got the guilt trips in July from my N sister about missing her B-day and I was also hurting the family. Oh how they weave their webs.
Yet we know, it is reconizing it that makes us stronger.
Wishing you love and peace.
---
If anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town. Matthew 10:14
|
|
Jan/11/2009, 9:00 am
|
|
Daffodil66
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 12-2008
Posts: 134
Karma: 2 (+2/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: My letter to my sister in denial-just working through things
Thanks so much Butterfly for your kindness, it means a lot to know that others have had similar experiences and that it's not just you going through such times.
Yes indeed, the webs they weave. Glad I am caught no more! Life is so much more peaceful, hope it gets better for you. Be good and kind to yourself.
Wishing you peace and happiness too.
Last edited by Daffodil66, Jan/11/2009, 11:53 am
|
|
Jan/11/2009, 11:43 am
|
|
ztrinity
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 01-2009
Posts: 2
Karma: 0 (+0/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: My letter to my sister in denial-just working through things
I read your posting and I have walked the emotional road that you are on. <HUGS TO YOU>
Please know that you have chosen a road that others in your past will never understand emotionally. You love them. It takes a lot of time to realize that all the talking and explaining you do -they can't understand. They believe too much in the fairy tale rather than the reality of the lives and self.
Perhaps you have been changing and at this point in life no longer willing to participate in the continued drama & upsets that hurt & harm you as a person. I learned much about envy and humility.
I also learned how weak and strong I really am.
This is called loving yourself & trusting yourself to know which individuals are safe emotionally and physically to have in your life.
It takes much strength to walk a different path & change a generational ingrained belief system that is filled with lies, deceit, hurt & pain and is self destructive of ones self and others. To want and live in peace. Emotional & physical peace. What a wonderful feeling this is.
It is very hard. Hurts heal with time. Betrayals of love though - we learn. We learn - we can forgive & we still have to forgive ourselves for taking care of ourselves and saying good-bye to toxic blood relationships. Be patient with yourself and be kind to others and yourself. You have made a choice as an adult - and it is a good decision for you. When your need to explain yourself/defend your stand no longer exists - - you open your eyes with enough distance and see
what real love, joy, peace & blessings are all about.
then you can give someone else that hug that needs one.
*
|
|
Jan/11/2009, 7:00 pm
|
|
lotty467
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 158
Karma: 4 (+4/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: My letter to my sister in denial-just working through things
Hi Butterflylove,
You seem to have enough (((BIG HUGS))), so here is a little portable hug for emergencies (((hug)))
It is a good thing to write letters like that, to get it out, to then be able to move past it. I have written volumes of the same. I think it is a very helpful thing to do.
Also, I wanted to alert you to a reply to one of your posts which you may not have seen as it was some time later, but I found that your account does not accept private messages, and I just thought I would mention this because when you set the account up you may have not thought that private messaging would be used. I myself wondered about accepting them, but I'm glad i did accept them. Also, they seem to be as safe and secure as these public posts. So just thought i'd mention this. Hope you don't mind.
Anyway, regards your post here, at least you are being the nice and reasonable and thinking person.
All the best, Lotty.
|
|
Jan/14/2009, 7:45 am
|
|
butterflylove
Banned user
Global user
Registered: 12-2008
Posts: 620
Karma: 28 (+28/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: My letter to my sister in denial-just working through things
ztrinity,
(((((((((hugs))))))))))))
quote:
Please know that you have chosen a road that others in your past will never understand emotionally. You love them. It takes a lot of time to realize that all the talking and explaining you do -they can't understand. They believe too much in the fairy tale rather than the reality of the lives and self.
I know the first stage for me was that I thought with this sister, if I talked with her about our abusive family history she would see the light. It was my own denial, hope, compassion, love and fantasy thinking. I still had that, wishful thinking that I could have the family that I deserved and loved, my inner child wants that so badly. I do reconize that, and it does take time, tons of self compassion and patience. I am not there yet, I know stuff, it is feeling emotionally.
Cause I know about the denial, the fantasy thinking, that was my life before I was given the wake up.
Thank you for your compassionate and empathic post, it warms my heart.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))) to you, I am sorry you had to go through this with your family.
quote:
I also learned how weak and strong I really am. This is called loving yourself & trusting yourself to know which individuals are safe emotionally and physically to have in your life.
Loving myself and trusting my gut, is where I need the tweaking, day by day I do get stronger and if I stumble, that is where I find my treasures, those are the areas that I will tweak to be stronger. And my NC with my family has helped tremendously, they are toxic, yet I didn't know that, so anyone who was like them seemed safe...this is where my individual journey is helping...you are right, learning to love me and trust my gut.
quote:
It takes much strength to walk a different path & change a generational ingrained belief system that is filled with lies, deceit, hurt & pain and is self destructive of ones self and others. To want and live in peace. Emotional & physical peace. What a wonderful feeling this is.
In the beginning it stung something awful, I will not lie. My counselor even said the samething you said "It is liberating" At the time, I said "No it is not, this sucks, my family is toxic, it hurts me like hell"
After working through that, I did realize nothing happens to you is negative, everything is positive it has opened so many new doors and windows for me in life.
quote:
When your need to explain yourself/defend your stand no longer exists - - you open your eyes with enough distance and see
what real love, joy, peace & blessings are all about.
then you can give someone else that hug that needs one.
Yes, you do not need to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain (JADE)...LOL it has taken me sooooooooooooooo long to fully emotionally get that...big debator I was, conditioned that way in childhood. Now I practise it, really practise it...this board helps too. Just walk away, your silence is golden 
And you are right, tweaking me is preparing me for something...someone out there needs a hug and when I am ready it will be hugs galore.
Last edited by butterflylove, Jan/21/2009, 8:15 am
---
If anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town. Matthew 10:14
|
|
Jan/21/2009, 8:10 am
|
|
butterflylove
Banned user
Global user
Registered: 12-2008
Posts: 620
Karma: 28 (+28/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: My letter to my sister in denial-just working through things
lotty,
Thank you for the BIG (((((hugs)))))) and the portable one also...love the hugs.
Thank you also for the the support, posting here does help.
I did see you responded to my post on the Mobbing thread, I will respond to you on the thread....I promise 
((((((hugs)))))))))
Last edited by butterflylove, Jan/21/2009, 8:31 am
---
If anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town. Matthew 10:14
|
|
Jan/21/2009, 8:29 am
|
|
JustLearning
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 01-2009
Posts: 98
Karma: 5 (+5/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: My letter to my sister in denial-just working through things
This is for you :
I read your post and I can identify so well with how you feel. I have gone through hell with my older sisters - I am the youngest as well and they've put me in the scapegoat role
as well (something about being the 'baby' of the family ?). I have detached myself completely from these sisters, save for one which I have cordial relationship with (although she is very passive aggressive). The others, for my own sanity and survival, I have gone completely NC with them. Its the only way for me - otherwise I'd go nuts.
As always, your courage and your brilliance touch me so much - it took courage to write that letter to your sister - I still wouldn't be able to take that step yet ( its too painful to confront those feelings yet). So I applaud you and I really want to give you lots and lots of hugs today. You're just awesome !!!!
((((((((HUGZZZZZZZZZZ)))))))
JL xo
|
|
Jan/21/2009, 1:08 pm
|
|
butterflylove
Banned user
Global user
Registered: 12-2008
Posts: 620
Karma: 28 (+28/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: My letter to my sister in denial-just working through things
JL,
Thank you, you kind words and support mean more than you know.
You speak of courage, JL you got it too, you have taken steps to take care of you, seperating from family even though you know it is for your own health is painful as hell. YOU HAVE THAT COURAGE, JUST LOOK IN THE MIRROR JL, you will see courage starring right back at you.
And you have brilliance gal, look at the voicelessness thread on the MSN N board, you helped me and others, you had many many many many brilant threads there. And now look at the threads you have here on this board.
JL, you have compassion, empathny, courage, kindness, wisdom...you rock!
Here you go...
Whitney Houston - One Moment In Time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EbYmMb4lR4
Last edited by butterflylove, Jan/22/2009, 8:23 am
---
If anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town. Matthew 10:14
|
|
Jan/22/2009, 8:22 am
|
|
Add a reply
Page: 1 2
Link to us
- Blogs
- Hall of Honour
- Chat
|
You are not logged in (login)
Board's time is: Nov/29/2009, 9:14 am
|
|
|
