Persephone79
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SOS! Need support/advice
I have a problem, obviously. I have one sister who is narcissistic and scary who lives in the same city as me, and another who is great and lives a 1 hour plane ride away (mostly to be away from our "narcissister"). I don't want to leave town because of "narcissister" because I have other family here I want to be near. I just got back from a trip to see my out of town sister (without telling "narcissister"). I got caught after my return. I'm a horrible liar and I had horrible anxiety about sneaking off for days before my trip, however I fear "narcissister's" wrath, hence the sneakiness and anxiety. The problem is I would never want to be treated the sneaky way I've treated "narcissister" (I feel SO bad about that!) and I don't want to be known as a liar. The good news is she won't yell at me because I serve a purpose to her by being the supportive big sister during breakups and whatnot and also when her friends won't hang out, I'm almost always her steady date. Somehow she thinks we're supposed to hang out every weekend. (Imagine that! Yes, I know I've brought some of this on myself.) She knows if she goes off on me we won't talk for a month. The bad news is, she will call up out of town sister and let her have it for something out of town sister was only an innocent bystander in. Then I feel horrible about that. As we can see, she picks the person she is least concerned about losing and lets them have it, and of course I HAVE been that person before. I'm sure this all sounds really jumbled. I guess my question is, if anyone has an answer: how can I be a good sister to "narcissister", not incur her wrath and live my life, keep my sanity/self-esteem, this is if I have any left at this point. I hate walking on eggshells and sneaking around but I am not brave enough to take the verbal beatings she likes to give when the world isn't revolving around her. Most people will basically tell me to "tell her how it's gonna be", but they don't understand a narcissists warped sense of reality. And maybe all I need is some support of those who know what I'm going through to finally tell her how it's gonne be.
Please, please help! Especially any support or advice other than move. I'd rather not do that but I have family in Florida so the warmer climate might not be so bad!
Thanks so much for your time!
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Jan/24/2009, 2:06 pm
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Persephone79
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Re: SOS! Need support/advice
And btw, what is NC? I see that on a lot of posts and think to myself "Wow, wonder why everyone's going to North Carolina to escape their narcissist."
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Jan/24/2009, 2:17 pm
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femfree
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Re: SOS! Need support/advice
Hi. You're like most of us and don't want to incur their wrath. I know it can be nasty, but I would advice telling your "narcissister" (great erm BTW) that you decided to go but forgot to tell her and let her howl.
Tell "narcissister" that you'll spend some time with her the next weekend.
Sheesh - does she have to control every minute of your time?
What a witch.
---
Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Jan/24/2009, 2:18 pm
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Persephone79
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Re: SOS! Need support/advice
Well, she asked why I wasn't answering my phone last night and I told her my phone was messed up and she said "you're lying" and I just came clean and told her I was out of town but I hadn't told her before cause I didn't think it would really matter what I was doing since I hadn't broken any plans with her... she said she didn't like being lied to and I said I didn't lie... she said "oh, you're phone's messed up wasn't a lie?" I said well, it was messed up on the plane! anyway, I had already agreed to go bowling with her and her friends so I am leaving shortly to do that.
And, to her credit, it isn't completely her "witchiness"... I'm also a pansy in need of a set of cojones. (not sure I spelled that right!) But like you said! It's the fear of the wrath! AND it doesn't help that I'm really shy and have a hard time making friends. I like her friends! Just wish I didn't have to go through her to hang out with them! But of course they are HER friends! I can't hang out with them on my own...cuz apparently she owns them? I dunno. I think she's afraid I'll steal them. The only time that happened was when she was a witch and the friend ditched her for it and remained friends with me. (She has a "if you aren't with me, you're against me" mentality, which I guess is common for narcissists?) Turns out the friend was trying to date me and was kinda weird...that's another story.
But yes, the thing with her needing to know where you are when you don't answer your phone! Geez! Come on! "I threw it in a lake so I wouldn't have to listen to your narcissistic crap!" lol! Oh, I wish I had cajones!
Thanks for the reply!
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Jan/24/2009, 2:51 pm
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LillyAngel
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Re: SOS! Need support/advice
Hi Persephone! Great name btw!
If you're really sure you wnat this NS in your life you must set some boundaries because it sounds to me like she controls your every movement at the moment.
I have a "bill of rights" somewhere and I'll see if I can post it up for you.
If you want to go and see your out-of-town sister,you don't need NS permission and you don't have to lie about it either.
If she goes off one one..let her..hang up the phone or tell her you'll talk to her once shes calmed down.
She won't stay mad at you for long I don't think as it dosen't sound like she has too many friends at the moment and they come round quickly if they still need you...
I think you should start thinking about yourself and your life more..making your own plans and fitting her into them,rather than making all your plans around her if you can see what I mean...
Personally,I would not choose to have an N in my life,because of the chaos and misery they bring.But the choice is yours.
Good Luck!
Let us know how you are doing,
Hugs
Lillyx
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Jan/25/2009, 4:30 am
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Persephone79
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Re: SOS! Need support/advice
Thanks Lilly
It isn't that I necessarily want her in my life, but she's my sister and out of sisterly love I want to be there but I would be happier if we were more like aquaintences, I think. I learned from our father when I was little that she was to get her way and so now it's hard to break that cycle. I have visions of the part of Super Nanny where they have to battle to get the kids to go to bed.
Actually your advice about hanging up on her is good. She and her mother (who is bipolar) have some kind of rule where when they have a fight, whoever hangs up on the other has to be the one to call the other back. My mom and I joke that I should antagonize her so I can hang up on her and never call her back (My narcissister, btw is my half sister)
And you're right, she doesn't seem to stay mad for that long, especially if she's lonely. It seems her friends come and go and she's always looking for new ones. I'm not sure if her meanness occurs around them, too (because she DOES know how to be nice around new people!!) and they get tired of her, or if they're just fickle. One night she was wondering why she didn't have more friends. Now, here is a question for anyone who can answer: when she has these musings, should I tell her the answers or just pretend I don't know and let her figure it out? She won't listen to me anyway. So I suppose shrugging my shoulders is the best response?
Yes, I see what you mean. I do need to concentrate on my life more. But as far as not having her in my life entirely, I don't know that I can do that. She's my sister. I would feel bad not having a "friendship" with her cause she doesn't seem to be able to keep many people in her life and I don't want her to be lonely. But intellectually, I know that her problems are not my problems. If she is pushing people away with her behavior it doesn't help for me to be her crutch. Right? I'm realizing these things as I write.
Here's another situation: When she is on her depression meds she is tolerable and mostly pleasant, when she is off them I can not stand her! A few weeks ago she had been off her meds a while and called me up to ask what the point of life is. She has Crohn's and struggles with her health and was really depressed. I can handle weepy people but this was like an argument! Everything I said she countered. I told her I wasn't qualified to help her and if she was feeling really bad, call a crisis line where they would know how to help. Her response was "so they can arrest me?" She is a smart person and I don't know why she would think that. Was she playing me? Was it just for attention? In that case I should tell her "You're a big girl, deal with it." But what if she was serious and ODed on pills? I would feel so bad for not taking her seriously.
Also, a few months ago as I was telling my out of town sister how I deal with "narcissiter", (how I get her to calm down or explain things to her) she said to me "It's almost like you're raising her cause no one else did". And she is right. Our father couldn't as he has the maturity of a 2 year old and he wouldn't let our step-mother raise her either. So now I'm here trying to (in certain ways) hold her accountable as an adult but with the patience you would have for a child. And that isn't really fair, it isn't my job, but how else will she learn? I don't want her to be miserable. And yet, it seems I'm content to let myself be. Oh someone please tell me I'm not co-dependent!
Yes, Lilly, you are right. I need to concentrate more on my own life. When she calls me up with some drama or trauma from her life I worry about her until our next converstaion when I find out that issue is so far in her past she barely remembers it.
Well, just writing this post has been very eye opening. I welcome any further advice, support or comments.
Thnaks for "listening"
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Jan/27/2009, 9:30 pm
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