LillyAngel
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For Persephone..
As a person, we all have rights, and these are your rights.
Please read them!
You have the RIGHT to be you.
You have the RIGHT to put yourself first.
You have the RIGHT to be safe.
You have the RIGHT to love and be loved.
You have the RIGHT to be treated with respect.
You have the RIGHT to be human ---- not perfect.
You have the RIGHT to be angry and protest
If you are treated unfairly or abusively by anyone.
You have the RIGHT to your own privacy.
You have the RIGHT to have your own opinions,
To express them, and to be taken seriously.
You have the RIGHT to earn and control your own money.
You have the RIGHT to ask questions about anything
That affects your life.
You have the RIGHT to make decisions that affect you.
You have the RIGHT to grow and change,
And this includes changing your mind.
You have the RIGHT to say NO.
You have the RIGHT to make mistakes.
You have the RIGHT not to be responsible for other adults' problems.
You have the RIGHT not to be liked by everyone.
You have the RIGHT to control your own life and change it if you are not happy with it as it is!
I hope you find these useful.I know I did!
Hugs
Lillyx
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Jan/25/2009, 4:45 am
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LillyAngel
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Re: For Persephone..
The Seven Types of BoundariesLori Radum
The call came at 8:10 in the morning. "Mom, I forgot my baseball stuff in the car. Can you please bring it to me now?" My teenager had spent the night with his friend and inadvertently forgot to prepare himself for the baseball summer camp he was helping with in the morning. His baseball glove, shoes, and camp T-shirt were left at home and camp started in five minutes. Initially, I was irritated because I knew he wanted me to drop everything I was doing and bail him out of his predicament. That irritation prompted the lecture he received about responsibility. But then I realized I had a choice, and I had power. I needed to decide what my boundaries were.
I was not going to get upset and allow him to disrupt my morning. I was not going to drop everything I was doing so he wouldn't be late for baseball camp. I would drop off his stuff because it was on my way to my other son's day camp, but I would drop it off on my time and my terms. Had I not been heading in the direction of the baseball field, I would have told my teenager no. So I took my time and finished blow drying my hair. I made my six year old his lunch, gathered our things we needed for the day, and did so in a relaxing and unrushed manner. I was not going to be stressed because my teenager would be late for camp. This story is a classic example of how we can use boundaries to decide what we experience in our lives.
Boundaries define the limits we need to set in our lives to protect what is most important to us. I look at boundaries as part of the foundation that holds our lives in place. Without boundaries, everything can, and will happen. Our lives can slowly unravel, and before we know it, our lives are nothing like what we envisioned them to be. Boundaries establish clear lines and they keep life from becoming blurry or fuzzy.
I think it can be helpful to establish boundaries in terms of minimums and/or maximums. For instance, you may have a boundary that states you will work out three times per week at a minimum. The minimum is the boundary that defines what is considered "good enough" for your life. You can also set a maximum boundary around working out. This boundary might say that you will not work out more than five times per week - you will allow two days for rest. The minimum and maximum boundaries protect you from patterns of perfectionism and procrastination. If you go below your standard, you are not honoring what is important to you. If you go above your standard, it might mean you are placing unrealistic expectations on yourself.
Boundaries are designed to protect you and the life that you want to live, and there are seven types of boundaries to consider:
Self-Esteem Boundaries
Self-esteem boundaries protect your sense of worth. These boundaries help you feel good about you. What is the minimum you need to do to maintain self-respect? Perhaps you need to follow through on your promises, or maintain honesty in your life. What are the limits you need to set with yourself and other people to make sure your self-esteem is not compromised?
Body Boundaries
What do you need to do to protect your body? What physical limitations might you need to recognize? What standards need to be in place for you to protect your physical health? It could be that a certain minimum amount of exercise or a maximum amount of food or drink is required. It might mean you always honor regular health and dental appointments.
Energy Boundaries
Energy boundaries obviously protect the amount of physical and emotional energy you have to operate from. What energy drains in your life need to be eliminated or minimized? Which energy refuelers must be present to help you maintain the energy you need for your life?
Time Boundaries
Time is a precious commodity. Without the proper time boundaries, we lose something we can never get back. What non-negotiable boundaries must be in place to protect your time? What is the maximum amount of time you will spend on a particular activity, at a specific event, or engaging in work? Time management is all about having clear boundaries.
Space Boundaries
Our space includes any environment we spend time in. We need to protect our spaces so they nourish us and enable us to live our lives optimally. Pay attention to your needs for organization or beauty in your environments. How do you know when your housecleaning is "good enough"? What does the minimum and maximum state of your environments need to look like?
Money Boundaries
Just like time, we need money to survive in this life. Your money boundaries protect your finances. What are the limits you need to set on spending and saving? What is the minimum salary you are willing to work for? Consumer debt, for instance, is the result of unidentified or compromised boundaries.
Relationship Boundaries
What boundaries need to be in place to protect your relationships? Our relationships are truly our greatest gift in life. How much time do we need to spend to nurture our relationships? What limits do we need to set on our behavior in relationships? Boundaries help ensure our relationships remain healthy.
Boundaries are essential to helping us identify who we are, what's important to us and how we want to live our lives. Without them, other people will decide these things for us.
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Jan/25/2009, 4:47 am
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Persephone79
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Re: For Persephone..
I like the one about the right to change your mind! This apparently is a pet peeve with my "narcissister".
Saturday her friends and I were supposed to meet her at her place at 4:00 then ride over to the bowling alley together. I was running late and I thought about calling to see if it would be better to meet everyone at the bowling alley so I wouldn't put everyone behind. Then I remembered this would be a bad idea because she'd get really pissed! Why she does this, I don't know. I figured I was being polite but I know she would have been angry. I guess it's a control thing? I just try to go with the flow and avoid adding my own suggestions as they apparently are very offensive.
Here's the thing. If I suggest something, she won't calmly tell me that it won't work, but barks at me for interfering. And I don't know how I come across here but I have to say I'm pretty laid back! Barking is unnecessary!!
Another incident: One day my "narcissister", my friend and I were going to dinner. We were to meet up at my place. My friend and I waited for my sister for a while then finally called to see what happened to her. She had fallen asleep. I suggested that we meet up at the restaurant since we were pretty hungry and it was actually located between our apartments (and what was the point of her wasting gas by driving past the restaurant to meet at my place?). OH! She was NOT happy!!!! That apparently was the WRONG thing to say!
Can anyone tell me why she does this? It seems like she is lacking so much empathy that she doesn't realize when someone is trying to be polite or more efficient for HER benefit? She doesn't think of anyone so when someone thinks of her, it's completely foreign to her? Or is it just that she feels like she's no longer leader of the pack?
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Jan/27/2009, 9:58 pm
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Persephone79
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Re: For Persephone..
Boundaries: Without them, other people will decide these things for us.
True.
I think I just need to take some time to really think about my boundaries. And stop being so passive!
Thanks, Lilly!
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Jan/27/2009, 10:59 pm
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DeMarie57
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Re: For Persephone..
quote:
Another incident: One day my "narcissister", my friend and I were going to dinner. We were to meet up at my place. My friend and I waited for my sister for a while then finally called to see what happened to her. She had fallen asleep. I suggested that we meet up at the restaurant since we were pretty hungry and it was actually located between our apartments (and what was the point of her wasting gas by driving past the restaurant to meet at my place?). OH! She was NOT happy!!!! That apparently was the WRONG thing to say!
quote:
Can anyone tell me why she does this? It seems like she is lacking so much empathy that she doesn't realize when someone is trying to be polite or more efficient for HER benefit? She doesn't think of anyone so when someone thinks of her, it's completely foreign to her? Or is it just that she feels like she's no longer leader of the pack?
Persephone,
My thoughts are that SHE is the one who calls the shots since you and the rest of the world are chess pieces she can place where she wants. Try to move independently and you are messing with her disorganized thoughts AND her control. Chess pieces don't think or feel and don't tell her what to do. She will check mate you as viciously and loudly as needed to keep you where she wants you.
---
DeMarie57
True healing
involves body, mind and Spirit.
~ © Alison Stormwolf ~
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Jan/28/2009, 12:10 pm
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Persephone79
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Re: For Persephone..
Yes, demarie, this much I know. What anyone else in the world wants is irrelevant if she isn't getting her way. My step-dad says to have nothing to do with her. But I keep telling him she's my sister, I can't do that. Isn't there a middle ground?
She recognizes that her behavior is rude when she sees it in other people but somehow can't see it in herself.
I'm caught between feeling like a lesser person around her but feeling like a lesser person if I "abandon" her. I really don't want to have to uproot my life and move, but the more I think about it, the better it sounds. Especially a move to Florida after having to scrape 6" of snow off my car today! lol
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Jan/28/2009, 7:12 pm
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DeMarie57
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Re: For Persephone..
I don't know of any middle ground for dealing with an N. My own experience with an Nsister is that I have had to go complete and total NC. I tried for 8 years to find a common place for us to meet. There was no place that was safe with her. Once she decided I was her target, she stayed "armed for bear" no matter what I did. And if I didn't do anything she made up wrongs that I'd committed. Her lies are so convincing that I believed them myself for several years.
If your dad/her dad thinks you should stay away from her, that's good advice. You might place a high price on her being your little sister. She doesn't! Unless it's to be able to use your guilt to her advantage.
If she's not an N and is just spoiled rotten. You might be giving her the wake up call she needs to start respecting the boundaries of others. She has her boundaries, she can boss you and anyone else around. You don't have boundaries...none that you're standing up for and none that she can see. She's using you and your feelings for her and the idea that she's your sister and you can't abandon her to keep you tied up in knots. NC is an excellant tool for you to learn your boundaries. If she is an N, NC is a way to keep you safe.
My Nsister has signed her hate mails "Luv ya like a sister, *****!" for the last year. I blocked her email addresses. She would set up new accounts to get around the blocks. I filed for a restraining order so now if she tries to contact me she will go to jail. Two years ago, I was saying I can't do that to her...she's my sister. Now, I'm saying "Bring it on, SISTER!" LOL A year of NC has made me stronger!
Hang in there, Persephone. You can do it when you are ready! Florida does sound good about now....need someone to drive the UHaul??????
---
DeMarie57
True healing
involves body, mind and Spirit.
~ © Alison Stormwolf ~
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Jan/28/2009, 9:15 pm
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