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DeMarie57
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Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
A cousin of ours has had a very difficult time the last 8 months- her NH of 28 years left her for OW, she had a heart attack, tried to commit suicide and has a laundry list of ailments that prevent her from being able to work. She has lost her home and moved in with a son while she waits and wades through the disability process for SS. She's in a very bad way.
My aunt and I have been trying to help her financially and support her emotionally throughout. The aunt and I are both NC with the narcissister.
In a rare show of 'concern' Nsister decided the cousin should accompany her on a shopping trip to get out of the house. Once she had the cousin in her car, she proceeded to try to pump the cousin for info on my aunt and me. She did not quit trying to prove to my cousin how vile my aunt and I are. The Nsister's paranoia, jealousy and rage frightened and intimidated my cousin.
I know the Nsister was furious because my birthday was this week. I'm sure she imagined many of the relatives calling me, and sending me cards and gift certificates and all of us talking about her. I did get calls, cards and gift certificates but no one even mentioned her name. There is a RO so that she can't contact me directly or through a third party without going to jail.
This is a major Njury to her. And she decided to use my poor, sweet cousin as proxy for me, mostly, and my aunt, secondarily.
Did she offer financial support for her if my cousin turned to her for support? NO! She wouldn't even buy my cousin something to drink saying if my cousin drank something she would just have to stop to find a bathroom. She wouldn't let my cousin use her handicapped placard saying the cousin needs the exercise and a few extra steps wouldn't hurt her. I'm talking a desperately ill person teetering on the edge of sanity.
When my cousin's bp dropped drastically and she fell, the Nsister refused to take her home or to the hospital. She made my cousin wait in the car at the Nsister's house for a very pregnant dil to get her 4 and 2 year old sons dressed to come pick my cousin up. They went straight to ER. My cousin's bp was dangerously low, her heart was barely pumping although it was beating rapidly.
My cousin is devastated that Nsister would be so heartless, so furious, and so cruel and calculating.
Now, there is going to be a baby shower in a couple of weeks for the dil. The whole family is in a tizzy because they don't want my mom to be left out but are afraid the Nsister will try to horn in regardless. Maybe afraid isn't the correct word...They are threatening to harm Nsister if she dares to show up.
My cousin called me for advice. I told her to call my mom and invite her but tell Mom Nsister is not invited and why. I'm not going but will send a gift. My cousin understands why I won't travel so far with such a high probability of an encounter with the Nsister.
Now that so many people know about Nsister's NPD, she seems to have lost any desire or ability to control herself. I am seriously concerned that someone is going to get hurt or worse.
Any ideas or suggestions? Should I just stand back and watch the suffering Nsister causes? Is it Ndipping to try to help? I don't know what to do.
Thanks,
DeMarie
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DeMarie57
True healing
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~ © Alison Stormwolf ~
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Feb/15/2009, 6:09 pm
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femfree
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Hi deMarie. Often we can warn others, but they have to feel the sting of the Ns themselves before they will realize it.
Often sitting back and letting the universe of those in the Ns world unfold is all we can do.
You know to stay on the periphery of the N's world, let others find that out for themselves.
I know how hard this is to do. Usually the Ns know that we're on to them and they launch the smear campaign and other nasties to us along the way. We need to anticipate that and counter it with our own boundaries and skills.
It can be done but the best thing is to minimize contact yourself with the Ns and learn to get along and let others learn for themselves.
Not easy is it?
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
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Feb/18/2009, 7:06 am
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Daffodil66
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Perfect advice Fem, you have to realise that the only person you can look after is yourself, others often don't believe you. The N is very clever with the smear campaign and you don't realise this until you learn more about NPD and make the connections. It's so difficult and hurtful, be strong.
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Feb/18/2009, 7:23 am
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DeMarie57
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Thank you fem and Daffodil,
I hear what you are saying. It's been hard this last year since I outed and went NC with the Nsister. There were several close relatives who didn't believe me and even those who did believe me were afraid to openly support me. They know they will experience the same wrath she unleashed on my cousin. I understand that and with time have been able to not see it as betrayal. It certainly felt that way in the beginning when I was hurtly so badly.
That's why I've tried to support those who have turned to me after they've been targetted by the Nsister's rage. I know what it's like to stand alone. I absolutely hate the suffering I see at the Nsister's hands. And I am more and more concerned as I see the episodes coming faster and more prone to violence.
I agree with both of you that I should sit back and watch the scene unfold. That's what I tried to do after I gave up trying to convince everyone that I wasn't crazy, jealous, a thief, lazy, a whore, a bully...and all the other accusations made by the Nsister in her smear campaign against me. It was pure exhaustion that lead me to stop trying to prove myself.
I know in my heart that I can't prevent more loved ones falling victim to the Nsister. I've also come to the conclusion that while I hate what she did to this cousin, I'm glad that it happened before the cousin became more enmeshed in the lies and conflict. The cousin sees that in the world of the Nsister there is no safety in sitting on the fence. Either you participate in the smear campaigns or you are the object of a smear campaign and her rage and contempt. It's hard to wrap your brain around this kind of thinking until you've seen it, felt it, and lived it!
I try to be strong and to be the voice of reason throughout. I know that reason has no place in the mind of the narcissistic. Isn't that one of the differences between us and them?
My gratitude to both of you is immense.
Hugs,
DeMarie
Last edited by DeMarie57, Feb/18/2009, 10:18 am
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DeMarie57
True healing
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~ © Alison Stormwolf ~
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Feb/18/2009, 8:42 am
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Daffodil66
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Dear DeMarie
My heart goes out to you, and believe it or not, when I read your story it was like reading my own. It's a truly awful place to be and all I can say that you need to do NC and avoid N dipping, this is part of your healing process. You will be amazed at how strong you begin to feel over time. Take care of yourself, until you have been touched by the N you don't know what it feels like, but with the smear campaign, I had to keep telling myself others will realise eventually, if I am not available for N supply the N will look elsewhere.
It was hard to stand back but I had to reclaim my sanity.
Wishing you lots of luck and strength.
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Feb/18/2009, 9:58 am
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DeMarie57
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Daffodil,
Were you able to maintain other family relationships and still maintain NC?
For the last year, I've basically only had telephone and email contact with the FOO and extended family. I live about 100 miles away from my hometown. I missed my Ndad's 70th and my GM's 90th bd parties and other family celebrations in order to avoid conflict with the Nsister. This year at Christmas, my husband our children and their families celebrated Christmas at our home rather than Ndip or have yet another confrontation.
My kids and I have started to have monthly "game days" where the whole family gets together, eats all day and plays board games and have cake and ice cream for those who have a bd during the month. It's great fun for all three generations. My bd was this month and my kids have invited my parents and my brother and his wife to game day.
I am anxious since this is the first time for us to all to be together without the Nsister since I went NC with her. I know that someone will mention the Nsister and her antics. God forbid any of them do the "poor pitiful Narcissister"! LOL
Maybe they won't....I have told them all that I want to be involved in their lives one on one without the Nsister. That I do not want to know about her life and do not want them sharing details of my life with her. My kids have been great about taking up for me and cutting off criticism of me.
I guess I'm trying to be prepared for whatever happens. My ideal would be for us all to enjoy the day and the togetherness and work on creating good memories for the kids and grandkids. I'd love for them to see that I really do have a good life with a family that loves and enjoys me...a family that isn't afraid I'll go off on a tangent or pout or use sarcasm. My family is the one I'd have loved to grow up in...not the one I had with an Ndad and a PA mother and now an Nsister.
I'm psyching myself up for a good day and a good time. This would just be so much easier if we didn't share people who love us both.
Uggggg....I WILL GET THROUGH THIS! won't I????LOL
Hugs,
DeMarie
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DeMarie57
True healing
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~ © Alison Stormwolf ~
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Feb/18/2009, 10:51 am
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Daffodil66
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 Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Dear DeMarie
You have no idea how close your story comes to mine. It's almost like a carbon copy. I suppose the only difference in my situation was that other siblings knew of the problem and had been victims of N sibling before I really had the bad times. We have supported each other through these episodes for years for the sake of our parents. Only one parent can see the destruction, but it has taken a very, very long time for us to get to this point. All I can say is that you don't need to beat yourself up or prove yourself, you know you are not an N. Hold your head high, be yourself, in my family others did know but wouldn't admit it, I found that I had been trying to show I wasn't this hateful, vindictive, vile person but then I realised that actually they had known this all along. However, I have a very difficult relationship with my mother who just cannot accept that I can't have N sibling in my life and constantly tries to 'set me up'. However, I'm usually two steps ahead and have now come to recognise the signs. You can have a relationship with other family members, I have found that just changing the subject and being subtle about the fact that I don't want to discuss N sibling has helped and they have got the message that I don't want to talk. But some extended family members think I am cold and hard, however, that's their problem, I know I can live with my decisions. I wish you lots of luck with this, it will get better, be confident and enjoy the NC time as much as you can each day it will get easier but look after yourself and don't feel you have to prove who you are, they probably know that already. Take care
Daffodil
Last edited by Daffodil66, Feb/18/2009, 2:18 pm
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Feb/18/2009, 11:39 am
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DeMarie57
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Thank you so much Daffodil (As I'm typing this I see beautiful daffodils blooming in yard in front of my window!)
I think I understand what you mean by your mom setting you up. My mom holds out hope that the Nsister will get over her anger at me. Mom would try to act as though life was normal if she pretended it was normal. She'd tell Nsister when she talked to me on the phone and what was going on in my life. Within 2-3 hours my phone would start ringing. Just one ring. Enough to make me get out of the tub or dry my hands or whatever. Sometimes 2-3 times in less than 10 minutes then an hour break then again. Sometimes every 5 minutes all day...sometimes two days. Caller ID never registered her number but it was predictable. I changed numbers ( I'd had the number for 28 years!) Peace for two weeks...then the calls started again. My mom admitted she'd given Nsister the number and told her to call me and apologize for hurting my feelings. HELLLOOOO???? Hurt my feelings????
My Ndad has tried to use our inheritance to make us get along. I told him he could keep it. Then he tried to bully the Nsister into leaving me alone....only made it worse! He's more concerned about everyone else knowing about it. He's spent all these years smoothing over Nsister's troubled past, troubled relationships, near misses with the law, etc. He's lied, intimidated, denied, and conducted his own smear campaigns to silence or demonize people. He's furious that this is all making him look like a fool. When I outed her, he felt outed as well.
I can predict what the Nsister will do. Sadly, that means that I have to remain at a distance, other than email or phone contact, with most of my relatives. To return to my hometown even to visit my GM would mean a certain confrontation or retribution upon the people I visit. Several relatives have made the trip to visit me or we've met in a town midway between us. This is all that I know to do.
How do you and your siblings handle family events? Do you live in the same area?
Thank you!
DeMarie
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DeMarie57
True healing
involves body, mind and Spirit.
~ © Alison Stormwolf ~
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Feb/18/2009, 5:08 pm
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Daffodil66
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Dear DeMarie,
I sense your pain, I have similar situations, my N sibling will tell another family member that they are going to invite me to take part in something so that they can seem like the one making amends.....I just ignore it all. I think for me I am past caring. The N is so predictable, I know what you mean about the phone calls...etc, etc. Just keep on being strong, it sounds like you have accepted where you are at and what you need to do to live a happy life. You owe it to yourself and no one else to have a good one.
Family events.....my biggest nightmare. My N always turns up and tries to steal attention from everyone else, even the bride and groom! N or what!!! I suppose with me, I have gone through not wanting N to think I am avoiding them or am afraid by not going, but I always keep a safe distance and rarely commit to anything until the last minute. That way N doesn't know my plans and I have had examples in the past where Mom who can see no wrong in N, has told N. Family events can be like a minefield, when I do go, I make sure I have a reason not to stay too long if the going gets tough. At the last few, N hasn't turned up, I think too many of us are experiencing the N rage, behaviour and the N has done all the hard work to let people see!!!!Ha ha.
I suppose there are no rules, my only rule is to see what I want to do and sometimes what I will be able to manage. On the one hand, I hate missing things, cos I haven't done anything wrong, but on the other, why put myself through it all again.
Also time is a great healer and it definitely gets easier. Good luck DeMarie, be selfish and decide what's best for you.
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Feb/19/2009, 2:33 am
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topaz123
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Hi. N/P is my daughter. She has 1 sister but many cousins and my mother is still alive and well.
When the trouble first started, the whole family was ripped apart. N/P was smearing uncontrollably and of course her stories were so credible that even if the family didn't believe her( or maybe they did) they did all at least listen to her.
I became a recluse and avoided everybody.....N/P had a field day, she went to the whole family crying and sobbing and telling her lies..but the older members of my family have known me since I was a baby. Bit by bit, they saw that what was being said didn't always add up. They didn't fully understand what was going on til they didn't do what N/P wanted them to do.and then it was their turn to be the victims of N/Ps lies..
Result? weddings, funerals and general get togethers etc and N/P doesn't get told about it.
It was awkward at first but now its as normal as it can be. Should N/P come back into the fold, I would just walk away.
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Feb/19/2009, 8:22 am
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