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DeMarie57
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Good morning Daffodil,
The N in my life usually doesn't start anything at family events other than try to insinuate herself in conversations I'm having with others. I walk away and find someone else to talk with or just sit quietly by myself and watch the people. She watches me interact with others and makes mental notes about who I spoke to, how much I laughed, how I snubbed her in public, the food I bring, whether I looked her way or not, whether I used a wheelchair or a walker, how many people asked about my health,etc. The problem usually starts after the event with emails, hang up calls, and smear campaigns of things I never said about people I talked to and things I didn't do.
After the last incident after Thanksgiving, I got an RO to prevent her from contacting me or being anywhere that I am. I've not attempted to attend a family event since then.
I know the RO was a major Njury to her. It was also major Njury that I shared her emails with all the family members I have email addys for. I am concerned for my safety should I put myself in her world right now. She has become increasingly violent with me and others in the last 1 1/2 years....no witnesses of course.
Family members who are my support team have assured me they will protect me but....I don't trust her not to have a weapon. She hates me so much that the consequences of her actions aren't a deterent to her.
I don't think the N sees my absence as fear, which it truly is. To her, I am being obstinate and am trying to make her look bad by getting sympathy for having such a rotten sister. My absence is denying her Nsupply. She's not getting new ammo for her attacks on me.
She is not a smooth-talking N who craves attention. She is socially inept. She is VERY uncomfortable in large groups. She sits on the sidelines and watches. She does her best work one on one. She cuts her targets from the herd and consumes them in private. She doesn't want to make a scene in public and be the focus of attention. BUT she is steadily plotting her next attack.
She is getting braver, though, and more reckless in her attacks. That scares me. I think she's a time-bomb ticking toward detonation. And I don't want to be around when she goes off.
Time and distance has been my friend in several respects. I don't know when I'll be strong enough to try family events or visits to my hometown again.
I just spoke to my mom. They've decided not to come this weekend. There were several insincere excuses why they couldn't be away from home. Nothing she said would prevent them from going somewhere else they wanted to go. My mom mentioned the N several times during the conversation. It was like "She's doing so much better!" I changed the subject to my family and she kept pulling it back to the N. I didn't say what I was thinking because I know my mom will protect the N. I wanted to say "Sure she is after she spewed her poison on C last week. She always gets happier when she's ruined someone else's day, week, month, life." I won't demean myself further with her. I have nothing to prove and nothing to gain. She ended the conversation by saying,"Y'all come when you want to." Guess I know where I stand, huh?
Oh well, I don't have to worry now about how to handle the weekend. So I can just focus on the loves of my life. It hurts more than I thought it would but what are you going to do? I think I'm needing to feel the pain so I can address it and move on.
Hugs,
DeMarie
---
DeMarie57
True healing
involves body, mind and Spirit.
~ © Alison Stormwolf ~
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Feb/19/2009, 9:30 am
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Daffodil66
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Hi DeMarie
It's so hard, I've been in this situation many times, my Mom just does not like me standing firm on the NC at all. It really gets to her, so she punishes me and my family by doing things similar to your own situation, ringing at the last minute to say she can't come to something or upsetting me before a family event that she thinks I might go to if she knows N isn't going so that I won't go. It's so tiresome and hurtful. My N is an attention seeker, there is no one in the room quite like N! lol
DeMarie, my mom does the same, talks about N's beautiful this, that and the other.....I do what you do and change the subject. I feel for me I am being punished for standing up to N. My N has raged against me and definitely did become much more deceitful and evil which forced me to do NC.
NC has been my friend and has served me well so far. I have had good days and not so good days, but I'm definitely getting stronger and stronger.
Be kind to yourself and remind yourself that maybe other family members don't have the strength that you do. It does hurt like hell, I've cried many, many times, but I am always glad that I made the choice to go NC. For me it is the only way to peace of mind and a better life.
Sending you lots of good wishes for a peaceful weekend. Go easy on yourself.
Try not to let this spoil your weekend.
Last edited by Daffodil66, Feb/19/2009, 2:22 pm
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Feb/19/2009, 2:20 pm
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DeMarie57
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Dear Daffodil,
WOW! Do you think we have the same mother???? My mother launched into a "Your kids are your kids for life" speech that had nothing to do with the conversation I thought we were having. Not sure where that came from or what it was supposed to mean.
Was visiting me forcing her to choose between the N and me????
I've spent the afternoon on the verge of tears...sadness, betrayal, anger...and also gratitude that I have a good family in my husband, children and grandchildren. My husband's family and our friends also contribute to a sense of wellbeing that I realize was never there in my FOO.
The years of therapy to deal with my FOO issues weren't wasted but I believe they fostered a belief that I could redefine my relationships with them. I tried and thought I was successful until the N launched her attack 9 years ago. It kept me trying to fix things for 8 years. I expected the FOO to be willing to fight for what was right for me as I would have for them...as I would for my own children and grandchildren. That's not going to happen!
Sooooooo, I'm going to start learning more about boundaries. I'm going to examine my expectations and prune where necessary so that only good things will grow.
Hugs,
DeMarie
---
DeMarie57
True healing
involves body, mind and Spirit.
~ © Alison Stormwolf ~
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Feb/19/2009, 4:51 pm
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Daffodil66
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Hey DeMarie
You sound a bit more upbeat alreight. Sounds like our mothers could be the same, I think for me mine just wants me to take on the burden of N, but it ain't gonna happen! That's probably what is so annoying for her. I see it as her choosing to stay in that awful place, whereas like you I have my own family, good friends and I have a good life. It's definitely a lot more peaceful since I went NC, except when I think N must have been annoying my mom and I get the brunt of it....! lol
I know DeMarie about the tears, mine have flowed many times, sometimes I've needed to then I've done the pep talk with myself to push me on to feeling better. Deep breaths, think sunny thoughts and be glad that you have the strength to value the family you have around you. Sending you lots of hugs to help you through the weekend. Take care
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Feb/19/2009, 5:01 pm
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DeMarie57
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Yo Sis!
Kaching! I'm thinking you just nailed Mom's attitude today. The N has been raging for at least a week now. Rather than Mom putting her anger where it is deserved she lashed out at me. I don't believe Mom is wanting me to take on the burden of N. She is wanting us all dressed up and acting nice no matter how devastating the turmoil beneath the surface is.
I'd bet she told N they were coming to see me and that B and sil were invited and N hit the roof. Of course, I was being cruel to exclude N despite the RO and the NC! Of course no one is going to say that...it's easier to blame it all on me since I'm the one being difficult by refusing to accept any more abuse. I just heard another fantasy go splat against the wall! ROFL
My boys have decided to grill burgers and hot dogs this weekend. Even if it snows! LOL
I'm looking forward to the weekend. I can already smell the babies and hear the others laughing!
Thanks for being here with me today, Daffodil. With your help, my dwell time went from days to a couple of hours!
Big hugs,
DeMarie
---
DeMarie57
True healing
involves body, mind and Spirit.
~ © Alison Stormwolf ~
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Feb/19/2009, 5:59 pm
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Daffodil66
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Hey DeMarie
I can't believe how much you could be writing my story, I suspect also the experiences of many others. I think what you are thinking might be spot on, this is exactly what happens with my N sibling. I usually find out somewhere further on up on the road that N had done something to upset Mom and then Mom punished me. The ones who do nothing wrong except decide that they deserve a better life get this kind of treatment. It's hard but we're all adults and we can make a choice. I've made mine and I'm staying strong, I hope you do too. After so many years of manipulation I'm taking no more.
I'm so glad you are feeling so much better,you will have a good weekend. Take care and don't beat yourself up. It'll get easier over time.
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Feb/20/2009, 2:00 am
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DeMarie57
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
A wonderful morning to you, Daffodil,
Yes! The Ns are able to infect anyone within their reach. It's like watching a vampire or zombie movie where the friends get infected one by one! LOL Sad, huh?
For 8 long years, I tolerated the abuse from N. I sucked it up for Mom and attended every family event possible. Mom was aware of the email attacks, the viciousness and the character assassinations N heaped on me. She watched every interaction between N and me with eagle eyes. I know she was expecting a showdown between N and myself. I restrained myself for Mom and "the family." I thought I had to have "the family" to survive.
Had N been a "friend" or acquaintance I would have walked away and dealt with the stalking and harrassment legally. N was my SISTER, so I kept trying to pretend life was normal. I stopped sharing the details of my work and family life and tried to insulate myself from further harm.
N always found a way to get to me. Never in public. Always in private until the last D&D which my parents and my husband witnessed. Her means to get me was email. I've noticed that she uses different ways to harass her targets. Me- email. My aunts- voice mail. Her daughter- texts. One former dil- postal service and shared grandchild. Current dil- personal confrontations and grandchild. Cousins- a combo of personal attacks and voice mail. She seems to have us all compartmentalized.
Anyway, I was a loved child (I thought) until I stopped having contact with N after a physical attack by her Nov 2007. Since then I've gotten the silent treatment, the innuendoes, guilt treatments and am punished for taking a stand. The love was conditional upon me keeping the family secrets and accepting the abuse.
The Ndad has tried to use my emotional instability (ha!), my illness and the medications I am on to neutralize the stand I've taken. I also believe he takes great pleasure in the pain N is causing me.
He is a sadistic N. He has no concern for me or other targets of Nsister. He is concerned about appearances. He is a solid "Christian" who is above reproach. He is a ____________ and that name means something in the community. All standard N stuff as well.
I woke up this morning, after a restless night, with a new resolve. I don't need to expose them or explain myself to them. They don't appreciate the years that I tried (without knowing it was useless.) Have never acknowledged the efforts I made in their behalf. Or the ways that I have honored them despite their lack of support. All the while I was falling deeper and deeper into the pit of insanity that is my FOO. I've gone through hell trying to be a part of their lives.
You have validated me in more ways than I can count, Daffodil. You are in my heart this morning. And I thank you!
Hugs,
DeMarie
---
DeMarie57
True healing
involves body, mind and Spirit.
~ © Alison Stormwolf ~
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Feb/20/2009, 9:30 am
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Daffodil66
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Again, DeMarie, I have been amazed by the similarities in our stories. You have blown me away. I have had the same treatment exactly from my Mom, the guilt trip, the innuendos, punishing me for being the good guy! It's so hard, I think that when you've experienced what you have this week, and I've had similar experiences, I've started to go over things in my mind again and for a few days I don't sleep well, and I'm grouchy. I have found ways to get peace of mind, sometimes just focussing on the simple things like the breeze in my face, flowers, etc,etc and just being glad that I have feelings and can appreciate the beauty around me, both in nature and the loving people in my life who look after me in difficult times. My daughters are wonderful, they have seen the N at work and know how difficult it is, they can accept the treatment their grandma gives them, cos they are being punished too for non-compliance. But I'm so glad they have the strength to do this, what a great life lesson, I wish I had been half as smart as them when I was their age.
Be gentle with yourself over the weekend, I know you can do it, peace of mind is so wonderful, I hope you get some this weekend and make sure you enjoy the time that you've planned, don't let anyone spoil the precious time.
Take good care, you'll be in my thoughts.
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Feb/20/2009, 4:21 pm
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Daffodil66
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
DeMarie
Here's a beautiful poem for you, I hang it in my kitchen and read it when things are tough!
Hope you like it, it's by Ralph Waldo Emerson, here goes:
To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate the beauty;
to find the best in others;
to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.
Have a peaceful weekend
Last edited by Daffodil66, Feb/20/2009, 4:30 pm
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Feb/20/2009, 4:29 pm
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DeMarie57
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Oh yes! I gifted myself this morning with a phone call to my grandmother. The joy in her voice when she knew it was me will carry me through several days. GM is a hoot! She gets so tickled when I share the antics of my grandchildren. The way she asked repeatedly about my health I'm certain that is the reason being given for me not visiting. I won't focus on that...I will keep the good feelings alive. At least I don't have to see the clenched jaws and the veins popping out of N's forehead when GM is sharing our conversation. LOL
Your girls sound wise and wonderful. It feels good to have loved ones to lean on when you are feeling low. Especially when it's people you raised who turn out to be people you admire. You would have been as smart and sharp at their age if you'd had a mom like you!
It took a while for my kids to realize how serious the situation with the N was. Once they reached the realization that it wasn't sibling rivalry or a spat, they've been my rocks.
They and my husband have decided my parents' refusal to come down is retribution for our family decision not to go to my parents at Christmas. There was a reason we chose to celebrate where and with whom we did.
Like your daughters, my kids, are willing to be ignored and punished rather than subject our family to more needless drama. It's a fair trade for them.
I LOVE THE POEM! I did it in calligraphy for my mom, my GM and the N eons ago for Mother's Day. It's awesome that you would share a poem that already has meant so much to me! I'm going to print it off and frame it for ME! Thanks!!!!!
You have a wonderful weekend, too, dear friend! Mine is going to be full of love and laughter.
Hugs,
DeMarie
---
DeMarie57
True healing
involves body, mind and Spirit.
~ © Alison Stormwolf ~
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Feb/20/2009, 7:22 pm
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