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zlata2614
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Hi Marie,
You have been in my thoughts for a while, and I have been reading this post hoping I can be of some help. I have talked to you(in my thoughts) all while I went for a nice morning walk with my doggy.This seems to be a complex situation, and as I see it the main culprit and enabler is your MOTHER, unfortunately, and the "ideal" setting are FAMILY GATHERINGS.
I can see how it is affecting you, how caring you are, how much you want to be part of a family,which means a lot to you, and how you care for so many people around.
In order to protect your self you need to define situations and how to handle them right then and there, so that you don't get pulled in all the directions.
I get clear picture about your S and your father. They are hopeless, monster created a bigger monster. Having RO is a good thing, now I see that N's work around it, and honestly I am not surprised , however how you handle is what YOU can control.Right?
So, I would go back to main culprit, MOM, and I apologize for being so harsh, I believe YOUR health is important, for your sake and your IMMEDIATE family.You are engaging your mom a lot and in return she is engaging you in her life: living a long life with N husband to whom she got by now very used to, learned to cover, make excuses, basically cover s**t with whipping cream to make cake, and have others eat! This will not change, so now this job is continue to apply to your sister, mom needs to "help" to make family look good, and do what she did all her life cover, make look good.
You are smart, you realized , this is not good and healthy, sis became even violent ( maybe a good trigger), however what to do with the rest of the family?
Your mom, if you want to have a relationship with her, you have to clearly define what you want out of that.from what I read, I would control relationship with mom like this:
1. Have small conversations, about nothing, weather, other events, not family, and as soon as mom brings out sis, dad , change topic, if doesn't click I would say , that I don't want to go there, if doesn't click I would say I have to go.i would be very careful what I give in my info, basically not much! Believe me been there done that, with my NM, drove her bonkers! And kept my life sane and intact.
2. I am not a fan of texting ,chats, with close family members, to many possibilities for words to go around especially with large families, so I would limit that.Boy, those buttons are so small I would need to change glasses every minute!
3. I would give less emphasis on family gathering, especially large family. Since you don't want to be in same place with your sister, as I would be invited I ask who else is coming? If they say , sis, I would say , maybe we can see each other another time. If sis is known to just show up, and host is unable or unwilling to do anything I would excuse myself and say that I have to go, and I don't want to cause any problems.
4. So, your parents have Christmas party, you refused to go, as sis would be there, you soften the blow by saying, we are already large family, unfortunately sis and I can't work it out, how about coming next day for left overs? Why forcing this FAMILY down people's throat,there are another 364 days in a year to get together.
5.Game night, in your place, it sounds like a great idea, with your kids, grand kids. Why would you want your parents there? Just because they are grand parents? Do they deserve the honor? I don't think so! You and your hubby are grand parents, you take honor of giving them role model and YOU are ROLE MODEL.Plus, see what it causes, your mom tells sis, then excuses poor sis, then tries to make sis look good. This is all to compensate for your game night and your rejection of sis. I would drop the parents, and why even tell them what are you doing with your family? They did what they wanted and got their results?Right? Also your mom is making all those excuses not to come, good hint! I would use to say, it doesn't seem to suit you, so why ivite them next time?
Cousin ,issue? You have been very , very king to your cousin,however he cousin needs to learn about her share in all this, her own life, and how to fix it. I would be somehow scared to inform everybody of sis behavior , expecting a lot of retaliation. N's would not take something like that lightly. And as it happened, sis, lashed at poor cousin! Now, I would just say, that I was the one having difficulty with sis, I can't deal with her, and it is up to you guys to decide what you want to do with sis. Then if they come back wounded. to tell me all about sis, I would just say, you were warned, and I hope in the future you choose different reaction, I have to deal with it myself, my way.
Last, try to cut the chain of all those words going around, at one point people who bring back who said what are USELESS. either they stop or I would drop them!They do more harm then good!
So, my dear friend, this was , I have to admit summary of lot that I had to do to same me, and my family, which is hubby, me, 2 sons, new daughter in law and son's girlfriend. I have no cousins , aunt, uncles, they are all overseas, and Nm did a great, job in making me look like I separated her from my dad, and I am bad person. So be it!
Take care my dear friend, you are in my thoughts, and YOU need strenght and energy , .
Regards and BIG hug, Zlata
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Feb/21/2009, 8:04 am
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DeMarie57
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Dear Z!
You have done a wonderful job of breaking through all the emotional shoulds and shouldn'ts! Thank you so very much!
Ironically, I just left a similar post on another thread! WOW!
I appreciate the way your were able to separate each issue out of the whole mixed up pile of family yarn.
I am going to have to print this, study it and incorporate it into my thinking. You've shown me that I'm still trying force my FOO to be the family I want to have. They can't/won't/ain't gonna!
I have done most of the things you've mentioned. Phone conversations with Mom are pretty much as you've described. I rarely call her. If she wants to talk, she can reach out to me.
ROFL! I feel the same with texts, chats, emails. Which is why I say nothing that I don't want the world to know. I've also used the Ns written words to expose her. The judge wasn't impressed with her vocabulary or her threats against me! LOL It was a one time thing...but I can't say I won't do it again...the ball is in her court there. We'll see what happens when the RO is lifted at the end of the year. Her emails can land her in jail! And I will follow thru.
Your take on the Christmas situation was right on. My mom is one to brag about how many people show up for her feasts. With my family not there, the Ns daughter and her family not there, and a couple of aunts not there (all because of the N.) The attendance went from 40 to 12. That made her mad and of course I was the ringleader and scapegoat.
Mom is interested in maintaining status quo. She is passive/aggressive. She is right where she wants to be. Doing what she wants to do. I've stayed entwined because I was giving her credit for the feelings I have toward my own family. With distance, I can see that her actions don't back up her pretty words. She is just as controlling and selfish as the Ns. She is just softer.
My kids invited my parents to game day to celebrate my birthday. I was excited for them to come, when I thought they were coming. I've not seen them since Thanksgiving. Selfishly, I did want them to see how loving and vibrant my family is. Maybe, just maybe, I was still wanting them to approve and admit that I'm a good kid. That's not going to happen! Too much anger, too much pain.
I am a good kid! LOL I'm a very good wife, mother, grandmother, aunt, sister, friend, whatever. Guess it's time to admit to myself that I'll never get the love and approval from them. I've lived without for over 50 years. It is what it is. Wishful thinking gets me nowhere.
The cousin is a different matter, though. I can't take a hard line with her as I could with someone more stable. I could tell just about all of them "I've been there, done that and have the t-shirt to prove it." This cousin calls me Aunt D because I was so close to her mom (my aunt now deceased.) C is extremely fragile in all the ways you can imagine. I'm sure you can imagine with your experience with your dad and NM. The N is not the focus of our relationship. It shows the depths the N will go to in order to hurt me. The abuse is unconscienable considering how hard C is fighting to stay among the living. I'm going to support her no matter what.
I must be a greedy person! I've got all these people who love me...lots of people...yet I waste time and energy trying to win people over who would rather punish than love. That's too much work! ugh Hang with me Z, I'm working on it!! LOL
Thank you, Zlata!
Big hugs,
DeMarie
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DeMarie57
True healing
involves body, mind and Spirit.
~ © Alison Stormwolf ~
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Feb/21/2009, 9:55 am
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Daffodil66
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Zlata, you are very wise indeed. I have done some of what you did and I know that it's helping. Once bitten, twice shy. I really appreciate seeing how well you've laid it all out too, it's such a similar situation to my own. Although for me things are fairly quiet at the moment.
DeMarie, I hope you are having that wonderful weekend with your lovely family. I have come to accept what I can't change. For me, it was the way to peace of mind.
Take care
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Feb/21/2009, 3:37 pm
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DeMarie57
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Dearest Daffodil,
Thank you for your good wishes. I'm looking forward to today. The kids are taking care of everything. My gratitudes are overflowing!
Here's my quote for the day:
"Let the past be your compass, but never your anchor."
Wes Fessler
I hope your day is peaceful, loving and Nfree as well.
Hugs,
DeMarie
Last edited by DeMarie57, Feb/22/2009, 8:04 am
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DeMarie57
True healing
involves body, mind and Spirit.
~ © Alison Stormwolf ~
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Feb/22/2009, 8:01 am
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Daffodil66
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Hey DeMarie
How've you been doing this week? Been thinking about you. Hope things are going ok.
Sending lots of good wishes your way.
Take care
Daffodil
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Feb/26/2009, 4:29 pm
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DeMarie57
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Good morning Daffodil!
Thanks for your good wishes! I've been fighting a cold all week but other than that things are going well.
One bit of excitement for my parents though. One of the excuses they used for not coming to visit last weekend was debunked in a very public way. I feel for them. Their embarrassment was obvious.
The prime reason they gave for not coming was that my aunt and uncle would be tied up caring for their sick daughter. She'd had a minor procedure done. The aunt and uncle would not be available if GM had an emergency. Nevermind that my brother and Nsister live less than 5 minutes from GM and other relatives are even closer.
Imagine my surprise (not really, since I didn't buy the excuse from the beginning! lol) when my aunt, uncle and cousin turned up in my town for a basketball tournament! ROFLMBO My granddaughter was playing in the tournament. My aunt called to let me know they were in town. Since I wasn't feeling well, we decided not to get together this trip...but they at least tried and I appreciated it.
I wish I could have seen my mom's face Wednesday night at church when my aunt told my mom they'd seen GD play ball over the weekend and that they tried to get together with me but that I was sick.
First thing yesterday morning, my parents called to cover their tracks. I could tell from the conversation that they were fishing to see what I'd told my aunt and uncle (nothing!) or what my aunt and uncle had told me (nothing!)
The conversation was nonconfrontational and noncommittal. Very perfunctory. And very hollow. I didn't enjoy listening to my parents lie to me but I don't care enough to try to set the record straight. They can stew in their own juices for a little while.
They called my son and my daughter last night...still trying to cover their bases. My kids were more direct with them. Especially my daughter. I had not told her about the lie being exposed. So it was a shock when my mom started explaining the "communication mix up." She was incensed and let them know how shabbily they have treated me. And how she knows that they didn't come as retribution for us not being there for Christmas dinner with Nsister. She didn't cut them any slack.
It never dawned on me that they would have felt the need to cover their bases with the kids. It wasn't an earth shattering event to me so I didn't give my daughter a heads up. Don't know that it would have done any good if I had, though. She spoke from the heart.
It is validating that people who care for me are not willing to accept crumbs and lies on my behalf the way I've always been willing with my FOO. It's wonderful to have extra eyes and ears and VOICES!!!!!!
Have a wonderful day!
Hugs,
DeMarie
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DeMarie57
True healing
involves body, mind and Spirit.
~ © Alison Stormwolf ~
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Feb/27/2009, 9:39 am
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Daffodil66
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Hey DeMarie,
Hope you are feeling much better. Well, these things happen, what they don't realise is that other people usually notice that someone is being treated unfairly, I suspect your aunt and uncle in their own way were trying to tell you that they know what you are going through. I've found this in my own family, other relatives aren't sure about getting involved, but I've found over time that more and more of them admit that they knew and have shown me support. It just takes time, for me, I've found that the wider family circle know there are issues and are hoping that they'll be worked out, because naively so many people do not know how NPD works and don't recognise all the seemingly little things that those of us who do know see. I'm spotting N's all over the joint now that I know what to look for! Lol!
I've had situations like yours where they will try to cover their tracks and the N's lies. Why do they put themselves through this? But DeMarie, we just have to accept this I guess and get on with living our lives in a good way.
It does feel good when you know you have your daughter's support and voice, I bet. We can't tell them what to say and do and sometimes this is what happens, they just can't stand by any longer and feel they have to speak the truth. Be glad you have a loving and supportive family close around you. We can only be responsible for our own actions, I've told myself this time and time again when my mom has been giving me a hard time. Keep on being the person that you know you are.
Hugs to you, take care
Daffodil
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Feb/27/2009, 10:19 am
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DeMarie57
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Hey Daffodil,
I'm feeling much better. Thanks!
Thoughts are still swirling around about the latest revelation. Not that my parents' lied, or that the lies were discovered. It's their response. The calls to my kids... really blow my mind. This is not the way they normally do things and it has me a bit puzzled.
As hard as it to leave it alone, that's what I'm going to do. It feels good knowing my younguns have my back. Too bad they are having to watch it against my FOO...but....we can't control that part of it, can we?
I hear what you are saying about seeing Ns everywhere!!!! ROFL I think the estimates that have been quoted are waaaaaaayyyyy low!
Have a great weekend, Daffodil!
Hugs,
DeMarie
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DeMarie57
True healing
involves body, mind and Spirit.
~ © Alison Stormwolf ~
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Feb/27/2009, 9:03 pm
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Daffodil66
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Hey DeMarie
Haven't been on in ages. Been thinkin about you, how are things? What with spring and all, I've been busy in the garden! Hope all is ok in your world. Take care
Daffodil
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May/8/2009, 11:34 am
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DeMarie57
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Re: Narcissister is on the warpath....yet again (long)
Hello Daffodil,
Thank you for asking. Isn't springtime refreshing? We've had so much rain that it's been difficult to get out in the yard. NC has worked well but I'm feeling very shaky right now. Nsis' husband is dying of cancer and I've been battling with myself over whether to pay my respects to him. I think the world of him. He knows it and knows why I've been NC all this time.
Should I be the bigger person and suspend NC for one 30 minute visit? My husband and other supportive relatives say NO!!! My heart says YES!!! My mind says that no matter what I do, once the funeral is over and her house is quiet all hell will break loose. It is a quandry for me...I know that time is running out for me to do the right thing by BIL and soon it will be too late.
I'm praying about it and listening hard for direction.
Happy Mother's Day!
Hugs,
DeMarie
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DeMarie57
True healing
involves body, mind and Spirit.
~ © Alison Stormwolf ~
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May/9/2009, 10:46 am
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