Page: 1 2
CreatureFeat
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 02-2009
Posts: 16
Karma: 1 (+1/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Not sure where to start. . .
Hello,
I'm posting here because I have one relative (mother) who I believe has some kind of Personality Disorder, to be sure something is not right, and when I read the quotes about N's (manipulative, compulsive lying, cruelty, attention grabbing etc) they resonate, to the point my head is actually spinning,(from genuine shock of familiarity). The family consists of mum and dad, older sister and myself (son), there were always problems in the family, which split up over 10 years ago, the only person who hasn't seemed to have "moved forward" is my mother, who I am forced to have contact with (unavoidable circumstances involving sick relative) and who has started causing the same kind of, rather insidious, and frankly sometimes un-believable problems as used to be when the family were together.
errrm, I think I'm going to stop writing here for tonight, partly because I have to get to sleep, but also because I'd like some direction on what, if anything, I should write here to help people point me in the right direction, as you can probably imagine, I could write reams and get myself quite steamed up in the process, it's got to the point where I need to get "mum" (who i don't see as a mum any longer) either diagnosed, or at least get the "problem" (whatever it might be) out in the open, because the direct and indirect damage she has caused to my life recently has become impossible to ignore. She'll do something ridiculously detrimental to me, or another, to gain in some small, perceived, way for herself, for example.
Thanks for reading,
CreatureFeat
---
Why can't we just place them in a vacuum?
|
|
Feb/17/2009, 4:02 pm
|
|
Daffodil66
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 12-2008
Posts: 134
Karma: 2 (+2/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Not sure where to start. . .
Creaturefeat, you do need to look after yourself in all of this. It's very, very distressing, I know. I've an N sibling and in the past the N has managed to manipulate my mother to carry out N acts towards me. I can only imagine the anxiety you are feeling. I think for me, the first thing I had to do was get my head cleared and get back to some rational thinking before I could deal with the problem. I needed to take a few days NC so that I could gain some control over my own emotions. Thinking of you.
Last edited by Daffodil66, Jul/18/2009, 8:52 am
|
|
Feb/18/2009, 4:29 am
|
|
CreatureFeat
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 02-2009
Posts: 16
Karma: 1 (+1/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Not sure where to start. . .
Thanks for reply.
I've asked this on the thread about N mothers, but how might I go about getting a diagnosis of her? I mean, it's all very well me being fairly sure she is N, but that won't stand up when she starts with all this "you're imagining things" and "I'm very concerned about my son, he's imagining things/taking a drug that is twisting his mind" etc, which is her stock ammunition.
Should I forget about a diagnosis? I should say that my intention is to get it out in the open that there is a problem with her, it's the only way i can think of to "disarm" her, she causes so much damage because people take her at face value so to speak.
Take care.
CF
---
Why can't we just place them in a vacuum?
|
|
Feb/18/2009, 6:22 am
|
|
femfree
Administrator
Global user
Registered: 10-2008
Posts: 1317
Karma: 57 (+57/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Not sure where to start. . .
Hi CreatureFeat.
Your mother has already anticipated encountering your boundaries so she has started this bout of innuendo about you.
You write...
"I'm very concerned about my son, he's imagining things/taking a drug that is twisting his mind" etc, which is her stock ammunition.
I recommend you read about Safety in relationships. It's downright dangerous to 'out' an N.
Please take special note of what Nina Brown says here:
http://www.runboard.com/bnarcissisticabuserecovery.f13.t39
You cannot force any kind of diagnosis. If she wants help she can get a referral to a mental health specialist from her family doctor. However, most Ns believe everybody else is nuts, - not them - they are special, entitled, unique perfect and above normal social etiquette.
They love to split people up don't they. So, watch your step around her. Use tactics like simply agreeing with her. Think to yourslef "Oh jeez, there she goes again."
Please read our pages on Abuse Management, and Engaging the Enemy
http://www.runboard.com/bnarcissisticabuserecovery.f15
Engaging the Enemy
http://abuserecovery.synthasite.com/bonus-1.php
Confrontation is deadly, any kind of exposure of their disorder or trying to 'educate' them only brings out the beast with barred teeth.
Our best hope to counter family smear campaign like she's doing is to out narcissize her getting down to her own tactics.
Above all else learn as much as you can as fast as you can and protect yourself financially and emotionally against her.
You are in a situation where you must maintain contact, and the best advice I want to pass along to you is to learn how to do this and to detach emotionally and psychologically from her disorder. That won't be easy.
Mental diagnoses are only done by professionals and diagnosis are confidential and cannot be disclosed unless the patient is a danger to themselves or others.
You can protect yourself, but you cannot protect others other than by showing them how you use boundaries with her.
Ns do much damage to people. There is no cure, there is only management and that management comes from their victims.
I wish I had better news.
Take Care
femfree
---
Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
|
|
Feb/18/2009, 7:19 am
|
|
Daffodil66
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 12-2008
Posts: 134
Karma: 2 (+2/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Not sure where to start. . .
Creaturefeat,
I've had experience of trying to help my N to see that they had issues. It was definitely not the right way to go, it resulted in much N rage and I was left devestated. Also the smear campaign had been carried out effectively and I began to hear things about myself which actually described N and not me, but to others they thought I was the crazy one. I know what you are going through, it is so worrying and frustrating, but trying to do what you believe to be the right and true thing definitely didn't work with my N. My N had actually progressed to getting others to carry out their dirty work while they sat back and enjoyed the ride! I didn't realise just how bad it was until I found out what NPD was, I think the best thing I can say is that I armed myself with coping strategies and knowledge about NPD so that I could avoid being the N supply as much as possible.
I'm thinking of you and hoping you get some peace.
|
|
Feb/18/2009, 7:21 am
|
|
CreatureFeat
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 02-2009
Posts: 16
Karma: 1 (+1/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Not sure where to start. . .
OK, this is pretty much what I thought, but, I'm an incurable optimist, and I'm sure you've saved me having to learn the hard way (again).
The catch 22 is, if I maintain contact she will take her toll on my relationship, also, I don't want to maintain contact! LOL to be honest, I started looking for answers in earnest because her selfish actions and the fact i think shes involving this sick relative in her nonsense have started to push my limits, I recently realised I could cheerfully throttle her, and, naturally I'm not happy about that, and obviously if i let this be known it would be incorporated into the web of antagonism. . .so a diagnosis is out, well, I'm going to assume that it's N, but with an open mind.
I'm going to read the links, I have to say my initial reaction is that I've had enough of playing along with her, in my youth i became interested in people who had dissapeared, and planned to dissapear myself in order to sever contact with the family, I always had this sort of idea that as long I was associated with them (I've now sort of whittled this down to her) I'd never have a normal life, even at her best she's laying out this crap about those close to her, a family friend recently said it's like munchausen(spelling?) by proxy, she's always pretending there's something wrong with us so she can reap the attention. ah, sod it I'll read the links now LOL.
Thanks everyone, Daffodil66, nice referance btw. 
---
Why can't we just place them in a vacuum?
|
|
Feb/18/2009, 8:22 am
|
|
DeMarie57
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 12-2008
Location: USA
Posts: 231
Karma: 7 (+7/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Not sure where to start. . .
Creature,
I can commiserate with you on the difficulty of setting boundaries in a family situation. How do you stand against the N without losing everyone? I went NC with the Nsister 16 months ago. It was very hard at first and I'm still finding my way. NC is the best thing I've done in this years long ordeal.
Ns can make you feel and act like you are the vile person they say you are. Since I've gone NC, I've gradually returned to who I am...definitely not crazy, definitely not an N, and definitely a funny, compassionate, loving, sincere, thoughtful, considerate person.
Hang in there! You've come to the right place to learn about the NPD monster and to get support from people who have been there or are there. I ARE there! LOL
Hugs,
DeMarie
---
DeMarie57
True healing
involves body, mind and Spirit.
~ © Alison Stormwolf ~
|
|
Feb/18/2009, 9:03 am
|
|
Daffodil66
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 12-2008
Posts: 134
Karma: 2 (+2/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Not sure where to start. . .
Well said DeMarie!
|
|
Feb/18/2009, 11:29 am
|
|
CreatureFeat
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 02-2009
Posts: 16
Karma: 1 (+1/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Not sure where to start. . .
I must say I do agree with what you guy's are saying, and, underneath my racing mind, I am very appreciative of your support. So, NC is what, cutting off contact with the N? (I've looked for a glossary but not found it yet)
I have to admit, I have a very strong urge to tell as many people as possible about this, both due to the massive sense of injustice, and also so it may curtail her activities, however this is balanced by the absolute certainty that at least some of them aren't going to believe me, also talking about the situation leaves me very drained, takes a lot out of me etc, so i just don't.
I have actually had to ban "her" (it just ain't comfortable calling "her" mum!!) from visiting me at home because she tries to drag my girlfriend into the act, my relationship with this girl is frankly the only really good thing to happen to me in my life (that hasn't been ruined by contact with the N), also, it just so happens I've made a great difference for the good in my partners life, it's a mutually beneficial relationship, I nearly lost this relationship recently due to the usual mixture of direct/indirect influences of the N. Well it didn't happen, (which is frankly cause for celebration!! Victory over the sicko!!!)
Daffodil, when you talk about your N sibling getting your Mum to carry out their acts towards you (both vile and familiar) has your mum come to realise what happened? I had a similar episode where a close family member assaulted me, now, this person also seems to exhibit N tendancies, but I'm trying to work out to what extent they were driven by the evening they had just spent with the N, this person has expressed that it is important to them not to be like the N in question, so I'm optimistic that they might not be a lost cause, to what extent can these N behaviours rub off on people (and make them appear to have NPD when they might not)?
This site is a fantastic resource, I do feel the weight is lifting a bit, I hope I can reach the point where I can help people, just as you've helped me! 
fondest regards
CF
---
Why can't we just place them in a vacuum?
|
|
Feb/19/2009, 10:31 am
|
|
DeMarie57
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 12-2008
Location: USA
Posts: 231
Karma: 7 (+7/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Not sure where to start. . .
quote:
CreatureFeat wrote:
I have to admit, I have a very strong urge to tell as many people as possible about this, both due to the massive sense of injustice, and also so it may curtail her activities, however this is balanced by the absolute certainty that at least some of them aren't going to believe me, also talking about the situation leaves me very drained, takes a lot out of me etc, so i just don't.
I recently did this using an email the N sent to me. I forwarded it as a mass email asking that no one share my new email address with the N because of emails like the one I forwarded. As you said, some of the recipients didn't believe me and used the email to say that I deserved to be treated that way after all I'd done to torment the N (all the product of the smear campaign of the N.) It did help to bring others who had been suffering in silence from the N's treatment out into the open. There are fewer people sitting on the fence because of it. They've either gone against me or are with me.
I don't know that I'd recommend this course of action to everyone in our situation. It's worked for me in the sense that now I don't feel complicit in keeping her down and dirty abuse a private matter.
I am NC with her and, by extension, her husband whom I consider a friend and ally. I'm still working out the details of the amount and kinds of contact I can tolerate with others in the family. Sometimes I think it would be easier just to cut them all out of my life and start over....
We are in this together, CreatureFeat. We aren't alone in our distress or our wonderings.
Hugs,
DeMarie
---
DeMarie57
True healing
involves body, mind and Spirit.
~ © Alison Stormwolf ~
|
|
Feb/19/2009, 11:09 am
|
|
Add a reply
Page: 1 2
Link to us
- Blogs
- Hall of Honour
- Chat
|
You are not logged in (login)
Board's time is: Nov/29/2009, 8:09 am
|
|
|
