femfree
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Tips for Targets
TIPS FOR TARGETS
Page 1 of 3
"Abused women aren’t “codependent.” It is abusers, not their partners, who create abusive relationships."
Excerpt: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft
"Contrary to popular myth, abusers do not suffer from anger management problems. They manage their anger just fine --
whenever there are witnesses." from a Dear Abby column 2002
"Finally, after 5 years of being played like a marionette, I wisely looked up and saw the strings. I began to study my puppet master and watch carefully-formulated patterns emerge to have me dance in a particular direction."
A Member's Quote
In clinical practice, some of the most surprised and shocked individuals are those who have been involved in controlling and abusive relationships. When the relationship ends, they offer comments such as "I know what he's done to me, but I still love him", "I don't know why, but I want him back", or "I know it sounds crazy, but I miss her". Recently I've heard "This doesn't make sense. He's got a new girlfriend and he's abusing her too…but I'm jealous!" Friends and relatives are even more amazed and shocked when they hear these comments or witness their loved one returning to an abusive relationship. While the situation doesn't make sense from a social standpoint, does it make sense from a psychological viewpoint? The answer is - Yes!
Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser by Joseph Carver, PhD
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=167
"If only he tried hard enough", "If he only really wanted to heal", "If only we found the right therapy", "If only his defences were down", "There MUST be something good and worthy under the hideous facade", "NO ONE can be that evil and destructive", "He must have meant it differently" "God, or a higher being, or the spirit, or the soul is the solution and the answer to our prayers". The narcissist holds such thinking in barely undisguised contempt. To him, it is a sign of weakness, the scent of prey, a gaping vulnerability. He uses and abuses this human need for order, good, and meaning - as he uses and abuses all other human needs. Gullibility, selective blindness, malignant optimism - these are the weapons of the beast. And the abused are hard at work to provide it with its arsenal.
The Malignant Optimism of the Abused - Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/journal27.html
Since they do not process their own emotions, they don't have a clue when it come to understanding emotions in others. They do the worst with partners who are highly emotional and insist on sharing feelings and who try to make the Repressor responsible for their anxiety that remains when there is no clear cut solution to the problem. They do best in relationships with a partner who leaves them alone and who does not insist on their engaging in continual emotional discussion. They do best of all with a partner who does not need closure on problems and has the ability to sweep conflict under the rug, however that rarely happens as they more likely to choose partners who are in touch with their feelings.
Defence Mechanisms that Affect Relationships by Lynne Namka, D. Ed.
http://www.byregion.net/articles-healers/Defense_Mechanisms.html
A person with a character disorder is unlikely to change. They’re not good candidates for therapy in that they lack insight and stop therapy once confronted. The condition is deeply rooted in the person and usually in spite of their best intentions; they tend to return in 3-6 months to their ‘baseline”, or core behavior.
95 Traits of Character Disorders by J. Kent Griffiths DSW
http://drkentgriffiths.com/information/character_disorder_h.html
In the end, my years of experience in counseling those who have survived Controller manipulations ultimately terminates against the same realization. The only effective way to deal with a Controller is to avoid him or leave him. Mirroring, restraint and camouflage can help you deal with them, if you must, but life feels infinitely better when they are out of your life -- or you, out of theirs.
ROMEO'S BLEEDING "When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong" Part 6 - Conclusion: Counter-control By Roger Melton, M.A., L.M.F.T., CEAP
http://www.obgyn.net/displayarticle.asp?page=/yw/articles/Romeopart6
Are you suggesting my spouse hid his true self? Intentionally?
Yes, but you had a role too. You entered the relationship susceptible to accepting him at face-value; susceptible to “idealizing him,” ignoring his flaws, the signs of lurking trouble. This doesn’t exonerate him: remember, he wanted you to think he was someone he wasn’t. He never was the original, promising blueprint.
What’s Wrong With My Spouse? by Steve Becker
http://www.powercommunicating.com/manuscript/SPOUSE%20COUNSELING%20HUMOR%20book.pdf
One of the most unpleasant aspects of living with a narcissist is watching the narcissist having fits of seemingly uncontrollable rage. These fits of rage will tend to happen in the privacy of the immediate family rather than in public situations since fits of rage in public situations would endanger the admiration and attention from outsiders which the narcissist craves. The narcissist's face will often turn a florid red and his/her face may look contorted with anger. The narcissist may hurl a hail of shouts and verbal obscenities. Usually the rage is expressed verbally but some narcissists will become physically violent. Sometimes these fits of rage will be triggered when the narcissist is interrupted or confronted but sometimes they will arise from seemingly trivial things (e.g. the toilet paper installed the wrong way round, or at least not the way the narcissist likes it to be installed). Sometimes the rage is less dramatic and takes the form of rancour, where the narcissist hurls repeated criticisms and hurtful remarks rather than shouts and swearing. Living with a Narcissist
http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Living_with_a_narcissist
You two have a "connection," a rapport that he didn't have with his ex. You have more things in common, similar personalities. He's pointed out all the ways that you two are so alike - it's just uncanny. You are so lucky to have met him at this point in your life. He says that he really appreciates you for who you are - and he's the first person to really do that, isn't he?
You Think That You Are So Special... by Annesthesia
http://www.heartless-*****es.com/rants/manipulator/special.shtml
Narcissists can and do control themselves when someone's good opinion is sought -- in front of a judge, for instance -- and are skilled at presenting a respectable, even admirable, public face; some are actually meek and mild in public.
Aftermath – Joanna Ashmun
http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/aftermath.html
Ken Doka has defined disenfranchised grief as “the grief that persons experience when they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially supported.” In other words, in disenfranchised grief, a person who has suffered a loss does not have the right to act as if he/she is bereaved.
Disenfranchised Grief
http://worth.statesmanblogs.com/entry.aspx?q=cb459f0b-d7e4-4680-a0eb-986e000dda3a
Work on the confusion. The first thing you need to address is your confusion about what is right/wrong, good/bad. It's characteristic for abusive partners to distort your reality to support their illness.
Tears and Healing Our Journey After an abusive Relationship by Richard
Getting Started
http://tearsandhealing.com/reality.htm
Second, if you sense your partner’s aggression escalating where you fear being physically attacked, simply leave the home. Go to your neighbors’, a friend’s or relative’s home and inform them of what happened. Telling others will help calm you down, afford you with emotional support and expose the abuser. Most importantly, it will also establish witnesses should you need them to testify at a divorce proceeding. It is also advantageous to bring someone back with you when you return to your home to resolve the argument or when picking up your belongings. Third, keep a journal of all abuse incidents and names of people you told. Also take photos of injuries you sustained or property your partner damaged. If possible, tape-record and/or videotape altercations. Be sure to keep all documentation of abuse in a safe place away from your partner’s reach.
Husband Abuse Aided by Social Legal Biases
Maxine Marz - Columnist and Safety and Security Consultant and Criminologist
http://mensightmagazine.com/Articles/Marz/marz4.htm
Art by Alan Ayers
Composition by Marsha's Graphics
CONTINUED BELOW
Last edited by femfree, Mar/22/2009, 10:00 am
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Oct/29/2008, 12:58 pm
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femfree
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Re: Survival Skills
Page 2 of 3
"Live well. It is the best revenge."
The Talmud
Know what you are dealing with. This sounds easy but in fact can be very difficult. All the reading in the world cannot immunize you from the devastating effects of psychopaths. Everyone, including the experts, can be taken in, conned, and left bewildered by them. A good psychopath can play a concerto on anyone's heart strings.
Survival Guide – Predators by Dr. Robert Hare
http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19940101-000027.html
"I have no fancy methods for dealing with these people. You can’t really deal with them. If they’re doing something illegal, you can certainly call the police, but most are too clever to do something illegal. My wife uses a good analogy in her speeches. She says trying to make things work with these people is like trying to wrestle with someone who is covered with mud: You’re going to get muddy. No matter what you do or how well you do it or how noble your intentions, you’ll get muddy. So instead of trying to make things work out with these people, the goal is to avoid dealing with them at all."
The Bad Apples
http://www.healthyplace.com/self-help/self-help-stuff-that-works/bad-apples/menu-id-1558/
Prepare for a partial or full break. Sometimes it is simply too hard to make a life in close contact with another whom you find too detached, unstable, or self-absorbed. In this situation you may need to find your courage to do your inner work to be able to make a break-to reconfigure or to leave your relationship.
Living With Difficult People by Robert Caldwell
http://www.holistic.com/holistic/learning.nsf/Title/Living+With+Difficult+People
He thinks he loves you. He swears he loves you. But what good is he if he doesn't treat you like he loves you? Look at the difference between how an Abuser treats a partner and how a healthy, non-abusive man treats a partner at the bottom of this page.
False Love/Real Love
http://www.geocities.com/andifekete/counter.html
Stop being the Victim. Let go completely of the people you know are unhealthy for you, even if it's painful. Take a break from relationships and find yourself. Only then will you be healthy enough to attract non-Abusive people.
“…But he said he loved me”. Taking Responsibility
http://www.geocities.com/andifekete/response.html
Seven Signs You're In A Verbally Abusive Relationship
A checklist from the book that woke up Brandy:
He seems irritated or angry with you several times a week. When you ask why he's mad, he either denies it or tells you it's in some way your fault.
When you feel hurt and try to talk with him, the issues never get resolved. He might refuse to discuss your upset feelings by saying "You're just trying to start an argument!" or claiming he has no idea what you're talking about.
You frequently feel frustrated because you can't get him to understand your intentions.
You're upset—not so much about concrete issues like how much time to spend together, but about communication: what he thinks you said and what you heard him say.
You sometimes think, "What's wrong with me? I shouldn't feel so bad."
He seems to take the opposite view from you on almost everything, and his opinion isn't stated as "I think," but as if you're wrong and he's right.
You can't recall saying "Cut it out!" or "Stop it!"
Patricia Evans, Author The Verbally Abusive Relationships
http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/omag_200207_abuse/3
Seven Signs You're In A Verbally Abusive Relationship
A checklist from the book that woke up Brandy:
He seems irritated or angry with you several times a week. When you ask why he's mad, he either denies it or tells you it's in some way your fault.
When you feel hurt and try to talk with him, the issues never get resolved. He might refuse to discuss your upset feelings by saying "You're just trying to start an argument!" or claiming he has no idea what you're talking about.
You frequently feel frustrated because you can't get him to understand your intentions.
You're upset—not so much about concrete issues like how much time to spend together, but about communication: what he thinks you said and what you heard him say.
You sometimes think, "What's wrong with me? I shouldn't feel so bad."
He seems to take the opposite view from you on almost everything, and his opinion isn't stated as "I think," but as if you're wrong and he's right.
You can't recall saying "Cut it out!" or "Stop it!"
Patricia Evans, Author The Verbally Abusive Relationships
http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/omag_200207_abuse/3
"There is one key thing you must keep in mind when dealing with someone with NPD -- they will NOT change. No matter how many times they cry and beg and plead and threaten, they will not change. They are incapable of changing, because at the very center of the core of their being, they honestly do not believe they have a problem and that everyone else is the problem. They believe that they are above the law, that rules don't apply to them, that they are "better" or "smarter" than the average person. They think they are "special," and that is the ultimate irony because since ALL NPDs think they are "special" they are in fact following a pretty predictable pattern and are not special at all.
http://npd.codeps.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=14&Itemid=2
If you are ready to embrace victory in your relationships, rather than continue in failure, loss, and sadness, then you will be asked some questions. Following that analysis will be a series of suggestions to help you move beyond victim to victory and personal empowerment. This process you are about to go through may be unsettling, especially if it the first time you are encountering it. Are you ready?
Victim to Victor
http://www.aspirenow.com/smooth_04_02_from_victim_to_victory.htm
Be gentle with your own healing process: You, and only you, know how you are feeling and how you are coping with the aftermath of the abuse. Allow yourself to feel however you need to feel, whether it is feeling angry, sad, or regretful. These feelings are all perfectly normal for abuse survivors.
From Victim to Survivor – The Emotions of the Abuse Survivor
http://www.brokenspirits.com/information/the_victim.asp
I have spoken to many victims of abuse who say that the person they met and fell in love with “gradually changed” into a monster. This is often one of the most confusing and distressing aspects of abuse from the victims point of view.
Anatomy of an Abuser
http://www.drirene.com/anatomy_of_abuse.htm
When we finally get to the place in our healing where we have moved on, and are able to forget about them at last, they pop up again. Because, although we have managed to forget about them - and, let’s face it- we are probably relieved, and even GLAD, that they are gone- they haven’t forgotten about US! And for me, this is where the “creep factor” comes in. I find it weird and disturbing to be the focus of someone I no longer think about, who may be planning ways to re-establish contact I’m no longer interested in.
Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Put Up the Christmas Tree
by Rev. Pittelli
http://www.luke173ministries.org/templates/System/details.asp?id=39548&PID=466836
Know who you're dealing with. Sociopaths even though they have no genuine human feelings that could make them capable of forming good relationships yet when in fear of rejection go absolutely crazy. Think about this, a sociopath is by their very nature living a lie, living on the edge, already 9/10ths mad, living on the borderline of sanity, imagine what would happen to them (and you) if you rejected this madman/madwoman? They go ballistic.
Advice on How to End a Relationship with a Sociopath
http://www.homepages.ihug.com.au/~arc24/lc47.html
The therapist nodded. Then he began to list off all these things that other people had probably said to me:“Oh, he couldn’t be that bad.” “You’re over-reacting.” “You need to be understanding.” “But he seems like such a nice guy. Why would you think him capable of such terrible things?” And so forth. I sat there stunned. “That is what other people are saying to you, isn’t it?” he asked. I told him yes. “The problem is,” he told me, “that you did not have a normal marriage. There is no way you could possibly explain your marriage to a lay person in five minutes.”
Holding the Mirror (The Life of One Narcissistic Enabler) By Miranda Shaw - Chapter “Listen to Your Heart”
http://www.angelfire.com/home/mirandashaw/index.html
CONTINUED BELOW
Last edited by femfree, Mar/22/2009, 10:00 am
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Oct/29/2008, 12:58 pm
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femfree
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Posts: 1317
Karma: 57 (+57/-0)
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Re: Survival Skills
Page 3 of 3
If the police are called you have the right to remain silent, what you say may be used against you and be (very) calm - or you might be the one that gets arrested. He will do everything possible to make YOU act and look out of control.
If you must stay or can't leave
http://www.geocities.com/misogynon/if_you.htm
Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be longer-lasting than physical ones. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser. Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone. There is a way out!
Effects of Abusive Relationships
http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/effects.htm
Their drug of choice is putting one over on you.
Emotional Vampiresby ALBERT J. BERNSTEIN, Ph.D
http://psy.rin.ru/eng/article/138-101.html
My ex, at least according to him, was physically and emotionally abused by his family of origin. I have witnessed him in every situation in life imaginable to take the role of the VICTIM. In fact, I have never seen anyone play that role so fiercely as him. He receives a great deal of attention and loves the "nurturing" of the rescuer.
The Drama Triangle, Steve Karpman and Patty Fleener MSW
http://www.mental-health-today.com/articles/drama.htm
Relationship addicts cling to the notion of connectedness with someone in order to avoid loneliness or the feeling of being unlovable which they associate with being single. Relationship addicts may hook up with someone they don't even like, much less love, just to be in a relationship. Once in a relationship, these love addicts hold on for dear life even if it means suffering loneliness within the relationship. Sometimes relationship addicts even accept abuse rather than let go.
Addiction to Love – Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships by Susan Peabody
http://www.drirene.com/hot_and_cold_love_addicts.htm
What if every child were taught that feelings, especially bad ones, are just that--feelings come and go and can be watched and called by their name and released. That uncomfortable feelings can be self soothed by rubbing your body and breathing deeply when upset or hurt. That feelings of anger, disappointment and sadness can be talked about in safe ways with people who help you understand them.
Yes Virginia, There are Functional Families! - by Lynne Namka Ed. D.
http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/namka4.html
As a child, I used to be dazed by my narcissistic parent's public demeanor -- I wanted to take that person home with me or else live our entire family life in the protection of the public eye -- so attractive, modest, and sweet that even I could hardly believe that this same person could be the raging fiend I knew at home and had seriously thought, for a while when I was about ten, might be a werewolf.
Aftermath – Joanna Ashmun
http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/aftermath.html
Suppose somebody has come at you with an attack like "WHY can't I ever FIND anything around this place? Do you HIDE STUFF just to be annoying, or WHAT?" Don't take the bait. Don't start claiming you don't hide things; don't start explaining your system for putting things in their places; don't start yelling that the attacker is the one who misplaces everything or is just too stupid to be able to find anything; don't just yell, "Get out of my FACE, you creep!" All those responses reward the attacker and make you a participating verbal victim. Instead, say something like this:
"People get irritated when they can't find things."
"It's very annoying not to be able to find things."
"Misplaced tools [or books, or supplies, or whatever] cause problems in every workplace [or home, or clinic, or whatever]."
"Nothing is more distressing than having to hunt for things."
Suppose a two-year-old runs at you screaming "YOU BIG MEANY! I don't LIKE you!" and starts pounding on your knees with tiny fists. Your amygdala doesn't pay the slightest attention. You know the toddler is no threat to you, you understand what causes such episodes, and you have better sense than to get involved in a fight with the poor little kid. The key here is that you understand what's going on, and that lets you stay detached and rational.
How Verbal Self Defense Works, Suzette Haden Elgin, PhD
http://people.howstuffworks.com/vsd.htm
I use the analogy that you can’t bounce a ball off sand. The more they try to get your attention by bouncing the ball, if you’re sand, they have to keep bending over to pick up the ball. They basically run out of energy. Then they move over to the pavement (which is somebody else) and start bouncing the ball off of them. The more you don’t have any contact and become the sandbox, the better. You have to have some contact regarding your child’s welfare and medical issues etc. But it’s important to be as brief as possible, One or two sentences at most, preferably by email.
SPLITTING – Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist
by William A. Eddy, Attorney, Mediator and Clinical Social Worker
http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.shtml
When a person is asked "Why did you allow it?," the person asking that is missing many points. Among them, it is putting the blame on the target of the abuser, rather than where it belongs, on the abuser.
Verbal and Emotional Abuse Author: Julie Clark
Last edited by femfree, Mar/22/2009, 10:01 am
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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