femfree
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Recovery - Fast Track
FAST-TRACK RECOVERY
"Peace of mind comes from not wanting to change others."
Gerald Jampolsky
"As we learn about mental illnesses and disorders we learn a lot about ourselves along the way."
from an older archived Canadian Mental Health document
"Forcing ourselves - or anyone else - to face the truth, usually doesn't help. We won't face the facts until we are ready. Neither will anyone else. We may admit to the truth for a moment, but we won't let ourselves know what we know until we feel safe, secure and prepared to deal and cope with it".
Excerpt – The Language of Letting Go (author) Melody Beattie
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Awareness
We realize we’ve been abused and betrayed. We've been systematically targeted, deceived by their false mask of sanity. We don’t deserve this. We wonder where that wonderful person went. We seem to be living with Jekyll and Hyde. Well, we are. Grab your computer, library card, pen and paper and learn about these predators. We've never known anything about these predators before. Your knowledge will be your strong suit. If you are thinking of trying to educate, help, cure, 'love it out of him,' reverse, change, plead, bargain or negotiate with this abuser we quickly realize it’s futile and exactly how he wants us to react. We finally comprehend they have a problem we can't fix. Abusers are master craftsmen at targeting our caring/nurturing instinct. If you’ve been trying this, accept the inevitable failure of these attempts. Quit doing it. Accept the reality. He is what he is.
Be Realistic
Their personality traits are so deeply ingrained the cycles of abuse, bad judgment and inability to cope in a close relationship will continue throughout their lives. We mourn the loss of memories of small laughs and shared experiences. Our slow-healing emotional scars cause us to doubt and question the truth of this ugly reality. We are merely disposable objects to them, and that is incomprehensible to us.
Members who have a religious faith will heal faster. So get reconnected with the God of your understanding in your church/temple and feel the power that comes from having God's presence as you step away from this evil.
Ground Rules
The abuser will certainly react to our use of boundaries. Violence is possible. Setting ground rules as we transform from being their target to taking control of our lives is important. Being tactful, fair and unyielding in our decisions and expectations will go a long way to boosting our self esteem and ending the abuse. Refuse to be a victim. Don't be a willing particpant in your own abuse.
Take the Pain
The process of 'leaving and grieving' is emotionally devastating and lengthy. Get therapy to help. Join a support group to reinforce the fact that you are not alone in this. You are not a victim in this situation, you were targeted. Don't expect other people to understand what you have been coping with. Without having their own experiences with disordered partners, they cannot fully understand and they won't be able to offer the emotional support you need at this time. You will be disappointed if you expect their emotional support. Our emotions will be on a rollercoaster. We have many times when we doubt ouselves, and question the reality. We can expect good and bad days, obsessive thinking, thoughts of revenge and justice. When we're angry, we punch a pillow. Keep a journal, it's wonderful therapy. Surround ourselves with normal people. We need to be firm with ourselves too. We need to ditch that 'if only' or need-for-closure thinking that keeps us hooked wanting to see what's happening in their lives. We need to accept the necessity to detach and be strong to resist the urge to reconnect with them. Time is our best friend. If we do reconnect with this abuser, treat it as a learning opportunity. Be easy on yourself. Enjoy the small treats life has to offer. You deserve it. Continued contact with any abuser is dysfunctional behaviour and professional therapy is needed.
Self-impose a “No Contact” rule.
One of our strongest tools to recover is the power that comes from our self discipline and silence. We need to separate and distance ourselves physically, emotionally and verbally. Time and distance have a wonderful way of bringing clarity to the situation. It’s the fastest way to heal. These abusers will leave us in the most emotionally crushing way. They choose the timing and they inflict great emotional devastation, and they enjoy doing it. They take what is near and dear to us and crush it as they casually walk away. In time we realize the relationship was doomed to failure, but we don't realize that until later. We will undergo a paradigm shift in changing our ways of thinking about our situations and a painful change of our expectations.
The Nature of the Beast
An abuser is not going to make the end of a relationship easy. If you're one of the lucky ones, he'll cut you off cold and you'll never hear from him again. In all probability he'll enjoy watching you squirm as long as he can. He’ll flaunt his new 'soulmate' under your nose. He’ll have her convinced you’re a demon who has gone over the edge, but you know she’s being deceived. He’ll say nasty things about you to anyone he can find. He’ll fight you tooth and nail for every nickel. He’ll try and turn the kids and everybody else against you. He’ll stalk and harass and could become violent. You’ll be having a hard time just coping with the loss of the relationship, let alone the other darts he’ll throw.
He will try to drawn you into the relationship over and over and will only give up when it's easier to target somebody new. Don't allow yourself to think that "he's reaching out because he cares" - that's what he wants you to think and he will be counting on your gullibility.
Self Analysis
Now we’re faced with another beast. Ourselves. When the relationship ends, our self esteem is crushed, we feel humiliated, and we’re setting our feet on a path we never expected. Out of the chaos is the realization that we may have traits that make us vulnerable to these predators. We may be psychologically dependent on the need to have someone, even an abuser in our lives. We may be ashamed to admit our partners turned abusive. We may find we’re nurturers who have given ‘til it hurts. Often we find we’re naïve, vulnerable and easily deceived or drawn to these types. We may have addictive behaviours or too high a tolerance for bad behaviour. Or, we may be addicted to the drama. We may learn we were raised in homes we once thought as normal to find we’re preconditioned to accepting bizarre behaviour, or we look the other way because we grew up looking the other way. We may find we have our own personality disorders, or mental health issues. As we learn about mental illnesses we will learn a lot about ourselves too. Seek professional therapy - a very strong tactic - for ourselves.
We are now the rare individuals with first-hand knowledge of these flesh and blood human impersonators. Well, there’s no such thing as bad knowledge. Down the road, we emerge from this experience a lot smarter and more self aware. Most of us find we function best where we can put our nurturing helping talent to good use. Be good to yourself and carefully pick those who deserve your special talents and abilities. There is a wonderful world waiting out there -- far away from those who would target you.
Next Time?
We will no longer be naive and trusting. We'll take our knowledge of these abusers and learn a few red flags and where their favourite hunting grounds are. We'll pay more attenton to our gut instincts and put any relationships on hold while we watch for more signs, determine the reality of the situation, and we'll protect ourselves more. Being aware of our vulnerabilities will make us a whole lot smarter next time we run into one of them. Yes, we will. Beyond a doubt, we’ll see more of them in the future. The hell you’ve survived will pay off now. You’ll be able to spot one of these fast-talking, smooth-walking con artists and we'll be armed to the teeth with an ability to avoid them and protect ourselves. But, can we always spot them? Of course not. We’re already vulnerable and they can fake and charm their way into anyone’s heart. When we begin to detect the cracks in their behaviour, we'll know to move quickly to escape. The precious gift we give ourselves will be our own self sufficiency. Taking charge of our lives will bring the reward of Peace of Mind.
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© Author: femfree 2001
Art by Jean-Paul Avisse
Graphics http://isitchristmasyet.aimoo.com/
CONTINUED BELOW
Last edited by femfree, Mar/26/2009, 8:09 pm
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Nov/1/2008, 8:58 pm
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femfree
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Re: Recovery - Fast Track
Page 2
"The longest journey I ever took was that 18 inches between my head and my heart." Ellie
"So I'll be sure to stay wary of you love,
to save the pain of once my flame and twice my burn."
Fiona Apple
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Don't sweat the wedding vows...
As Dr. Phil reminds us "You can't sustain a relationship that is based on deception, lies, infidelity, or other deal-breaking behaviors. This is deal-breaking behavior." When our marriage has turned into lies, treachery, betrayal and abuse that person has destroyed every interpretation of any marriage vows.
1 Corinthians 5:11 (NLT)"...you are not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols or is abusive, or is a drunkard, or cheats people. Don't even eat with such people."
Our Rollercoaster Thinking
Our abuser is sweet one minute and raging out of control with bizarre behaviour the next. If ever there was a situation where we can't see the forest for the trees, this is it. To help keep you grounded, professional therapy from someone specialized in this field is a good idea.
Stop trying to 'fix' them. Only professionals can help them.The prognosis is very poor. Reality is knowing this hook to our compassionate nature. Working on ourselves is the best fix of all.
Stop hoping he will return to the "way he was.' This "magical" thinking is normal for us. Abuse gets worse, not better. Take off the rose-coloured glasses.
Physical Exhaustion
Living with an abuser is physically and emotionally draining to the point we may not want to do anything. Get rest. Detach psychologically and physically from the abuser. If we're unable to emotionally detach, react angrily or our tactics aren't working, we may not have had the opportunity to learn the management skills we need to deal with and avoid manipulative abusers.
Substance Abuse: We need to be clear headed. Slow down and stop any use of alcohol/drugs we may be taking to help cope.
Plan in advance
to protect your financial base and obtain emotional support. Never stay where there is potential for physical violence - get out fast. Learn the best ways to leave. Divorcing an abuser can be hell unleashed, your preparation is critical. Learn to work with lawyers, and child therapists/evaluators who will be helping you. A calm demeanour, proof and documentation are important. Having that documentation to refer to keeps us refocused on our decision. Make a list of what nastiness you have had to endure. Refer to it for reinforcement. Inform other people you know will support you. Avoid those who will not. Expect a smear-campaign from your abuser. Work with the police and your lawyer. We conduct ourseves with Dignity, Integrity and Grace calm, factual, and in control.
NO CONTACT!!
Our involvement with them causes a temporary confusion of our otherwise good judgment. We need this time to learn, gain perspective, and heal ourselves. This is our perfect opportunity to learn why we may have remained in abusive situations. We all need to accept ownership of any mistakes we may have made along the way. If we must make contact because of legal/custody arrangements, discuss absolutely nothing else. Don't allow an abuser to bait you.
Therapy:
Perhaps we're attracted to the wrong types, or we create 'excuses' to avoid leaving, are terrified of loneliness, have abandonment fears or if we think our abuser is all we have, we need therapy. If we're stuck or unable to progress through the stages of recovery, we need therapy also. Many people face these problems. You are not alone and you are not weak.
If you are in joint therapy, tell the therapist your intention to leave. The therapist will be able to work with your abuser to prepare them. Ethical therapists will not disclose your intentions. A good therapist can help prepare your abuser for the separation.
How long does recovery take?
There's no calculation formula. We all heal at our own pace. You will progress through stages of recovery and grief. Recovery means being aware of how we are changed forever by this experience. We can speed up the process by focusing on 'one step at a time', and all-out ˜self care". It takes time to rediscover the person we were before and shape ourselves into the one we want to be.Grieve your lost relationship. Allow yourself plenty of time to wind down from the stress and abuse, and begin the process of rebuilding your new life. Be good to yourself first and foremost! Expect doubts, second-guessing yourself, nightmares, loneliness, post traumatic stress disorder, exhaustion. Journal and/or participate on a discussion site with others facing the same situation. Brace yourself and be prepared to deal with your abuser's emotional sniper's drive-by verbal assault.
Please go easy on yourself, OK?
Someday we'll all look back and be able to see a funny side to all this.
We deal with the sadness and regret of our own hurtful words and actions. The nostalgic rememberance of shared intimacies, places, laughs and jokes and the emptiness left by the other person's absence, the lack of any closure in a normal relationship, and the smear campaign hurled at us not only by the abusers but those fools they deceive. We may face betrayal from our own families and friends because of the deception of these abusers. Coping with the end of our hopes and dreams of the relationships continuing, the loss of an anticipated future.
The reality of their lack of conscience is incomprehensible as we grapple with the realization that someone we loved is incapable of loving us in return. The relationships was only a myth. The shock of this new knowledge and reality that we're in love with someone with a mental disorder who can instantly and completely delete us from their memory and attach to a new 'supply source' and appear happier without us is very emotionally painful.
We are shocked, hurt and angry on discovering Jekyll/Hyde. Expect obsessive thinking and fantasies of revenge and justice. As if that horror isn't enough, we become aware of their sadism and misogyny. Expect them to try and draw you back into the relationship. Prepare yourself to deal with this emotionally as we prepare to stop their attempts.
Our "how could I have been so stupid"? feeling, and unwarranted embarrassment and shock as it hits us that everything was a set up in their agenda. The awareness that we were targeted and our awareness of our naivete. The discovery of serious mental disorders as we learn the false mask of sanity hides their real nature. Learning the incomprehensible lack of empathy in them. Discovering the deception and lies, our exhaustion, and impaired health. Be aware that we may temporarily seem to be developing the very characteristics of the abuser in ourselves.
Realizing our feelings of protectiveness and pity for them were tools they used to target us. Our awareness of our susceptibility in having our nurturing characteristics turned against us by this disordered person, our hate/hope cycles and the realization that we were quite possibly raised in families which set us up to head in the path towards these types of abusers.
We face not being believed by anyone about what was done, being isolated, cut off from our support networks. The inability to warn or even get others to understand. As we learn about NPs, we often feel they are lurking behind every bush.
It is unlikely we will ever be able to trust again with the innocence we once had. Our gain - the wonderful discovery of our self reliance and an ability to cope with any abuser who may cross our path and finding grace, dignity and maturity of self discipline, knowledge and integrity.
Finally. Remember, your abuser has a mental disorder. He is what he is. Our recovery must include compassion, understanding, and our refusal to be an enabler, victim or target any more.
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"I have been a therapist for more than 25 years. In that time I have treated many thousands of people in a variety of settings and if there is one sweeping generalization I can make without fear of contradiction, it is that change is the scariest word in the English language. No one likes it, almost everyone is terrified of it, and most people, including me, will become exquisitely creative to avoid it. Our actions may be making us miserable, but the idea of doing anything differently is worse.
Yet if there’s one thing I know with absolute certainly, both personally and professionally, it is this: Nothing will change in our lives until we change our own behavior. Insight won’t do it. Understanding why we do the self-defeating things we do won’t make us stop doing them. Nagging and pleading with the other person to change won’t do it. We have to act. We have to take the first step down a new road."
Dr. Susan Forward PhD
Author Emotional Blackmail
When the People in Your Life Use Fear,
Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
Susan Forward, PhD
With Donna Frazier
"A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Their purpose is to shake you up, drive you out of a situation that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, and make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life."
Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth Gilbert
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© Author: femfree 2001
Last edited by femfree, Mar/31/2009, 9:25 am
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Nov/1/2008, 9:06 pm
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