femfree
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Tips on Successful Leaving
TIPS ON SUCCESSFUL LEAVING
"Never grow a wishbone, daughter,
where a backbone ought to be"
Clementine Paddleford
Before you leave:
1. Put money in your own private bank account
2. Rent a PO Box and forward your mail there
3. Find a safe place to stay.
4. Reconnect with friends and family.
What to Take
- keep a bag ready with clothes, check book, toileteries, alarm clock, keys, financial papers, wedding/birth certificates, tax returns, bills, etc.
- your X's licence plate, SS #s, the children's essential #s?
-orders of protection
-custody orders, paternity documents
-personal identification
-birth certificate for you and the kids
-social security cards
-marriage, separation or divorce papers
-school and vaccination records
- Money
-Check book, savings account passports (#'s) automatic Teller machine card, PIN numbers
-credit card and/or account numbers
-keys- house, car, office, PO box, safety deposit box, etc
-driver's license, car registration and title
-medications and prescriptions
-public assistance benefit identification card
-passport, green card, work permit and any other immigration documents
-several changes of clothing
-children's favorite toys, security blankets
-lease/rental agreement, house deed
-mortgage payment book, current unpaid bills
- insurance papers
-address book
-pictures, jewellery, items of sentimental value
-picture of injuries that you may have gotten from your abuser
-any evidence that might help police investigate your case, such as threatening letters or phone message tapes or a diary
Take detailed pictures of every room in your house, to show the court what you owned. Who remembers EVERYTHING in every cabinet???
If you don't have access to past bills and financial documents, contact the company and ask for past records! YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO THESE DOCUMENTS!
Keep the "sudden exit strategy" in place and even start adding to it with more details You do not ideally want to leave on the spur of the moment, but keep in mind that abusers often fear abandonment, and therefore may worsen their behaviour if any whiff of your intention to leave is detected. "If in doubt -- get out!" Pack needed items a few at a time beforehand, to not only be prepared but also to delay suspicions from your partner.
Consult a therapist about your situation. Therapy will help you deal with the emotional abuse characteristic of the relationship, and provide a safe and assuring environment in which to talk over your feelings about the partner. You may also learn ways of coping and reacting to the disease that shield both you and your partner. Question the therapist beforehand about their knowledge of addiction
If your partner is in therapy, tell their therapist about your intention of leaving. An ethical therapist will NOT tell your partner of your intent, but can help prepare them for the event, easing not only your departure, but also your ex-partner's reaction to the change.
Consult a lawyer. There are many legal ramifications of leaving your own home, or forcing an abusive partner to leave a shared home. If you are not legally married, you may not have the normal court protections. Lawyers are also useful in discussing such issues as possible restraining orders. If you are planning divorce it is very important that you make legal moves carefully before you make your intentions known to your partner. There is also the possibility of counter-lawsuits from the abandoned party against which you may have to defend yourself. Since laws vary from state to state, and country to country, and you may find conflicting advice from friends and family over these laws, give full weight to your lawyer's advice.
Document as fully as you can the abusive actions of your partner! Keep a diary of strange behavior. This will be valuable evidence in case authorities "do not believe you" or if your partner makes false accusations or blames you for the break-up. Given that abusive behavior is more commonly witnessed by the partner, while the abuser may act normally in front of others, you may need backup to your claims of abusive behaviors as others may not believe you. You may also find that referring to your documentation strengthens your resolve to leave.
Take all your personal possessions with you when you leave. As your abuser may destroy or damage your possessions and papers, get the police to escort you back to retrieve anything essential you may have left. Consult a lawyer over the legal ramifications of abandoning or taking mutual property. Instead of taking everything at once, you may decide to move individual items one at a time, especially personal items, or those useful in an independent living situation or "sudden exit". Be careful, however, not to tip off your partner of your intention of leaving by removing everything at once, or obvious items that suggest you are leaving.
Do not prematurely tell the abuser that you are leaving! It will backfire as a threat. So when leaving, do it suddenly, previously unannounced, and, preferably, in the presence of STRANGERS. Friends may volunteer their help, but you are better off paying for a moving company to aid you -- this not only makes the move happen quickly, it also furnishes strangers who can witness any bad reactions. An abusive person caught off-guard, in the presence of strangers, and during a sudden, quickly-occurring move, is safer than someone who has had time to prepare their response!
If your household has guns, remove them to a safe and secret place right before you start moving/leaving.
Let both your workplace AND the police know about your impending departure ahead of time. As abandoned abusers may start a "smear" campaign against you -- they may even call the police on YOU -- this helps to short-circuit that attempt. Have your documentation of the abusive behavior at hand. Police may be puzzled why you are still in the abusive situation, and think you simply need an escort back to the premises to pick up your stuff, so make them very aware that the real danger with abusers is not so much in the staying, but the act of leaving! Have them arrive shortly before the movers to either witness as strangers, or to talk to the abuser and warn them about doing anything rash. Remember, as a taxpayer, you have the right to ask for a police escort at any time.
Avoid giving the abuser ANY reason not to trust you. If they are having an affair, DO NOT have an affair yourself, as you may find the reaction much greater than you anticipated (especially from one who is indulging in the same behavior!). Likewise, you may find any distrust of you turned into material for a later smear campaign used against you.
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Art "Heavenly Hands" by Greg Olson
http://gregolsengallery.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?
Tag by BBWMisty Fotki.com
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CONTINUED BELOW...
Last edited by femfree, Mar/16/2009, 10:49 pm
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
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Dec/31/2008, 9:23 am
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femfree
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Re: Tips on Successful Leaving
Page 2
If you are in a situation where your abuser has left, but is returning for his 'things' be sure to have somebody there or request he provide police support to be there. It is very likely he will find a way to destroy or steal your things so protect what you need most - that's what he'll go after. ie computer files, computer components, records, cash/jewellery/money. Never Never let him into your house - change the locks immediately.
Due to the nature of abuse, you may be "hoovered" at the time of leaving or afterwards. This means your partner will suddenly be on their best behavior in an attempt to suck you back into the relationship. Keep in mind the cycle of their behavior; even when things return to "good", they will also return to "bad", and the fear of abandonment may make the "bad" even worse when it returns! To guard against the "hoover", you may want to NOT leave a forwarding address or phone number. If you MUST do so, leave the number of a "neutral" third party, such as your lawyer or a mutual friend who can screen what is a reasonable and what is an abusive request.
Concentrate on the "right now" Instead of letting all the preparation overwhelm you, make a list, and follow it one step at a time. Unless there is the real threat of physical violence, you have all the time you need to prepare.
Always be aware that the time shortly before and after leaving may be the most dangerous period of all.
As You Leave:
These are specific actions or items to consider or do as you move out:
Once again, take everything you rightfully own with you. Even if the abuser expresses a desire for you to leave, they may still latch upon your remaining possessions as a "hostage" in an attempt to keep you in contact. Or, they may rage against the departure and destroy or throw away any item that reminds them of you.
If you can, pack and move when they are not present. If you are unsure whether they will be present or not, have strangers on hand as a means of keeping the abuser in check. Once again, as a citizen you have the right to request a police escort in or out of a potentially abusive situation -- use it!
Do not linger after packing or make much of your going. It will not do your stress any good.
As noted before, you may want to avoid leaving your new address or even phone number behind with the abuser. This lessens the chance of their playing upon your own ambivalence about the move and courting you back into the abusive relationship, or of venting their anger on you later. If you must stay in contact, call them from a safe place, or leave a third party's phone number behind as the mediator.
After You Leave:
It is best to have absolutely NO CONTACT afterwards; if, again, you must because of obligations (children, divorce, common property to divide), wait until such time as you feel not only comfortable, but also RESOLVED not to continue the relationship. Do not meet alone, either, if you must, but have an outside observer, preferably a stranger-to-the-abuserc, on hand.
Those with shared children may still need to maintain some contact. In this situation, keep the conversations strictly on the topic of the children, and if the former partner starts getting personal about your relationship, cut the conversation short. The same advice goes for e-mail; if it gets personal, send a short, concise message back, then delete the offending e-mail. Send unofficial postal letters back, "return to sender", and unopened; or, if your attorney has asked you for documentation, you might consider forwarding all mail unopened to your attorney.
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Last edited by femfree, Feb/28/2009, 9:11 pm
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
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Jan/26/2009, 2:15 am
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