Page: 1 2
Daffodil66
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 12-2008
Posts: 134
Karma: 2 (+2/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
N at work
I have an N in the family and am well aware of the strategies needed to do NC. My problem is I have one at work too, I'm feeling like an N magnet. There are constantly little things happening that to others might seem trivial, but there is definitely a pattern and I know that other colleagues consider this person to be difficult too, so it's not just me.
How do I keep the contact to a minimum? He has a habit of poking his nose into things that don't concern him, not putting calls through to me then 'forgetting' to let me know when someone has rang for me. Also, he keeps doing the 'kind' acts to try and drag me back in to his game when I've been cool with him and trying to maintain a boundary between us. There have been numerous acts which when I've said no to him have been dealt with in public in front of other colleagues and have made me look like I was the mean one.
Does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with this person? He can do the poor me act very well and the slightest contact has resulted in him making reports to managers about incidents which have not happened the way he has reported them. I'm at my wits end, I am dreading returning to work next week, I've been on eggshells at home for so many years, now I've broken away from that and one at work starts. I was just getting my strength back and really don't want to lose it, but NC at work is impossible.
Can anyone give me some advice please?
Last edited by Daffodil66, Dec/29/2008, 1:27 pm
|
|
Dec/28/2008, 1:12 pm
|
|
lotty467
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 158
Karma: 4 (+4/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: N at work
Hi Daffodil, Well, I have an idea, a bit out of the ordinary, but could be very effective, and good fun. At least just consider it.
You will have to fill in the blanks, but here is the general idea. What you do is get a sheet of paper, write something on it, then tear the bottom third from it in a rough tear, then screw it up a bit into a loose scrunched-up ball, and leave it where the N will find it and will pick it up and look at it.
The writing will say something which will alarm them and really get them worried for themselves and wondering, and the devil of this is to do the writing and the tear in such a clever way that the important information, the name perhaps, or the thing said, is missing because it was on the piece which was torn off.
If the N gets the idea that there are secret things going on, and that they are under managerial covert observation, say, for abuse, then they will, you would think, start behaving properly.
Also, such a character, full of games, is giong to really do a good job ON THEMSELVES. lol.
I'm sure you get the idea.
Anyway, all the best, yours unfaithfully,
Macciavelli.
|
|
Dec/28/2008, 1:42 pm
|
|
lotty467
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 158
Karma: 4 (+4/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: N at work
Hi Daffodil,
Another thought I have had for your plight is to find the bullyonline.com site and have a good read of that. Every question you could ask will be answered there about workplace bullying, I'm certain: what's going on, and what you can do, etc. So you will be able to sort this out.
I work on my own, self-employed, and the trouble you describe at the workplace is one of the biggest reasons for me to be self-employed. Perhaps that is a solution.
My girlfriend was bullied at work, and I talked her into getting tough with the woman. When the woman came over to her desk, my girlfriend would turn around really hard (she's actually very timid, or was, sometimes wish I'd never coached her), but she would turn around and bang something down on the desk hard and loud and say, 'What!'. And the trouble went away very quickly. Of course this might not be suitable to your situation.
Me, myself, in such a situation, and if I could not easily remove myself from it, I would seek to have a little private chat with the very top person, disregarding the line of command, and I would have an 'off the record chat' saying that the supervisor, whilst you understand it is not a holiday camp and they have to keep people in line, but you feel she is over-doing it, and this is impairing your ability to work effectively, in that it is literally making you ill. And that you feel it is not just a question of someone over-doing it because of bad judgement, but you get the impression it is because she is out of control, which would worry the high management, even if the supervisor was getting results.
Anyway, hope this helps, but if all else fails you could always resort to the scrunched-up sheet of paper idea.
Hold tight. Check out that site. You will come through.
I have one last thought, my gut feeling, not knowing your situation, of course, would be to leave and find something else. That is waht I would advise, say, my daughter, if she came with the same problem.
Cheers, Lotty
|
|
Dec/29/2008, 6:58 am
|
|
femfree
Administrator
Global user
Registered: 10-2008
Posts: 1317
Karma: 57 (+57/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: N at work
Hi Daffodil.
We have a large section here with links and resources on bullying at work.
http://www.runboard.com/bnarcissisticabuserecovery.f2.t150
Words we can use dealing with the workplace bully
http://www.bullyonline.org/action/words.htm
I don't realy like the idea of using that pierce of paper with things written on it that will cause 'alarm' - the bully will find a way of making your trick known and it's way to HR, the bosses etc., that will prove that the bully's accusatiosn of you are correct. Bullies will pounce on anything to make their targets look bad so I would advice you not to take that course of action.
Your best course of action I believe is...
1. Keep your resume and references up to snuff. Bullying at work has a very high poor outcome. Bullies are well prepared to defend themselves. It's part of the game to them.
2. act perfectly. Arrive on time, do your job, be pleasant and efficient.
3. Keep any conversations limited to work only, preferably via email or, confirm verbal covnersations by a follow-up email. Also, never ask questions unless it's work related. Show no interest in the bully's life whatsoever.
4. Never discuss anything about your personal life at all. Nothing. Keep answers to direct questions superficial - "I'm fine, the family is fine etc."
5. Give your personal phone line to people to use, you may try stating that "I know you have such a hectic, responsible job and some calls have been missed and it's been suggested to me that I have people contact me directly so that I can help them without burdening you and running the risk of not responding to calls that come to me." or, have anybody outside work - ie your family, contact you at home, never at work.
6. Don't let her drag you into her game. Be busy. Say things like "I'm sure you'll find a way to resolve this." without involving yourself. You can always fall back on "I'm really busy right now."
7. Making the bully look bad in public is a no no. Exposure of their bullying will result in an increase of tactics used against you.
8. If you can, keep everything you do under lock and key. That, of course, depends on your workplace arrangement.
Some suggestions from our Tips and Traps page
What to say during an interview about why you left your job:
Q. I was driven out of my job by my last employer - a narcissist.
What can I say during an interview about why I left?”
A. One thing is to turn this lemons to lemonade situation around by focusing on the needs of the business that you are interviewing for. To the question “Why did you leave your last position?” One response might be “My light shines brightest in a position where I can (for example) interact and relate to customers in a sales environment. When a change in management occurred, I was chosen to work in a position I had not applied for and I was prevented from performing at my best potential. In the position I am applying for here at (xyz company) I feel that the opportunity presents itself for me to again be in a position where my best talents meet the needs of the organization. Then, elaborate on how you ‘fit the bill.’ Put some nice wrapping on yourself by mentioning a nice success story like "previous to the change in management' I was able to Increase sales in my department 38%." Now, who wouldn't hire you?
Make sure you put a spin on this matching up the company's needs in the job with your ability/performance/education/experience/training/preferences.
The Workplace:
"My advice -- Act. Do not react. When you meet her, be effusive. Be 'over the top' in saying hello and keep moving. Do not stand in her sphere of influence unless it's absolutely imperative. Whenever possible, beat her at her own game. Keep talking. Keep moving. She will eventually (and rather quickly) figure out she has no influence on you and will search for easier prey."
I dealt with my psychoN boss was to distract him from his rants by bringing up something that he thought he was the absolute expert on. In this particular guy's case, he bragged that he was an expert on 1940's movies. When he'd throw his cup of coffee against the wall, leap out of his chair and start running to go fire some poor guy down the hall, I'd quickly ask him a question as he ran past my desk. Sample: What was the name of that hefty actor in the white suit in Casablanca? He'd stop on a dime and start to pontificate about Sidney Greenstreet and every movie he'd ever been in. Ten minutes of monologue later, he'd forgotten all about where he had intended to go.
Q.Can you help me? I work with a female bully. She's a doctor where a group of us nurses are working. She is constantly telling everyone how wonderful she is and how many people she has saved when others were unable to do it. She is one of 2 female providers and is constantly putting down the other doc and makes jokes about her behind her back. She tries to split the nurses, meaning talking bad about the ones that are not there and then doing it again when others are around. Whenever a situation goes bad in the ER or OB with a patient, she blames the nurses and charts things that could get the hospital sued so it will make her out in a good light and the nurse as the wrongdoer. She breaks confidentiality when she has some great gossipy thing to tell, but if called on it lies through her teeth. She is careful not to do it in front of more than one person so she can deny it. She likes to make others look bad and then be the victim, for example, she will write orders and time them for say 08:00 but it is really 08:40 and them make a big deal and get mad that things are not done when she wants them. She claims other people's good ideas are hers. She writes people up all the time and rants, "I don't know why I even write orders!" Then she is so friendly and pretends that we are all great friends and every one loves her. Then she is so friendly and pretends that we are all great friends and every one loves her. My question is how can we as nurses protect ourselves?
A. Do NOT confront the bully alone. Being a narcissist, her defences will kick in and she will try to destroy you and the other nurses. It would seem you have validation and hopefully proof (ie the charting) and this needs to be brought to the attention of the hospital's administrators. Avoid HR, they're generally useless so go straight to the beancounters/administrators - YES, all of you enmasse. One person won't win. One-on-one is the bully's strength, and your weakness. Your best strength is to work as a team. Ask the administrators to help you by advising the best way to deal with this person. Don't demand - ask their help. Get your documentation, dates, times, details, who, what, when, where and whys together in case you are questioned. One strong tactic is to find ways in which the bully is preventing you from doing your job. It is alright to state that all of you have tried to gain co-operation, but failed due to this bully's lies. Let them know that her public reaction is as you say "friendly and pretends that we are all great friends". State that you are concerned about the hospital's reputation and patient care. Don't hesitaste to let them know that, if no action is taken, that you are all prepared to take the matter to the governing board of hospitals due to the affect on patients and staff.
Tips and Traps
http://abuserecovery.synthasite.com/tips-and-traps.php
Take Care
femfree
---
Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
|
|
Dec/29/2008, 7:52 am
|
|
femfree
Administrator
Global user
Registered: 10-2008
Posts: 1317
Karma: 57 (+57/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: N at work
What Bullied Targets Can (and should not) Do
http://bullyinginstitute.org/education/bbstudies/3step.html
---
Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
|
|
Dec/29/2008, 8:20 am
|
|
Daffodil66
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 12-2008
Posts: 134
Karma: 2 (+2/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: N at work
Thank you all so much, I will check out what you have suggested, looks like I'm going to be busy. I feel that knowledge is important so I'll go through every link. I have to be really careful with this one as I am actually superior to this person, but not the line manager, N thinks they are Chief Executive and unfortunately my gut feeling is that some of those in management don't see what I see and I feel N might well have some of their ears, being a perfectionist with the meek and mild act. Oh, also only some staff have witnessed the outbursts, these are always carried out when the senior staff are not around, so that would explain why some managers just would not see what you were suggesting was happening. I don't want to be seen as scapegoating this person, so I have to be really careful. I have documented all incidents and have kept notes that the person has passed on to me. I am already keeping things to a minimum but he constantly tries to cross the line and is always pushing for more. Some examples might be that on out of office work, they will ask can they travel with me in front of my seniors and I am always in the position where I have to say no, make up an excuse etc, to ensure that I am never alone with this person. Incidentally, it's not that easy to avoid this person, he knows every call that comes through, post, etc, and can often be out assisting me during my work, this makes it very difficult as I'm in a position, where I can avoid travelling, etc, but I can't always avoid them knowing more detail on my projects. I've passed on my mobile number to all important callers I definitely don't want to miss and I never take personal calls. Thankfully, Femfree, I've already been doing much of what you suggest, once bitten twice shy and all that.
I'll check those links and will keep a record. I've tried the nice but distant, then the boundaries have been pushed, I've tried the cool, distant and they're pushed again, honestly this is one smooth operator and I really feel they know exactly what their game is. I suppose that's why I've felt like an N magnet, I have never discussed my personal life at work as to be honest I have never had the time or inclination to do this having seen the destruction caused by an N in the family with just a tiny bit of information. I will just have to arm myself with knowledge, keep calm and see what happens.
I can't tell you how much your replies have meant to me. Thanks for taking the time.
Last edited by Daffodil66, Dec/29/2008, 11:15 am
|
|
Dec/29/2008, 11:10 am
|
|
lotty467
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 158
Karma: 4 (+4/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: N at work
Hi again, Daffodil,
After your last post, I could get a better idea of your situation. The fact that you are the bully's superior changes it all a bit for me, so I felt I had to write again and tell you my feelings about this.
Firstly, I truely know what you are going through. I have had more than my share of that stuff in my time, and it isn't for me to write my lifestory here, but I do know exactly. I feel I know you, and I feel I know the bully, but I do not know your workplace and the set-up and your reputation and track record, etc. Obviously only you have the full picture.
But from my 'not on the ground' position, nonetheless, I have something to say, a general feeling for it.
Really, this is a question of insubordination; a subordinate is challenging you. I do not think this necessarily would show a lacking on your part, that it is your job to keep subordinates in line, which it is, of course, but only up to a certain point, beyond which you would have to request back-up from your superiors, and in my opinion you should be able to go to your superiors and bring up that there is a problem. 'I've got this guy and he is pushing the limits all the time. I have kept a file on this, I have done XYZ but it has not worked. He seems hell-bent on insubordination and ......', and, Daffodil, basically just present it like that. It is not a lacking on your part. It is a problem you need help with, and your superiors should show you more respect for bringing this up, and they should support you fully. You are a part of the management, and the management, in times like this, should stand together and look after their own. You fear you may not be understood, but whilst that could actually be the case, I find it hard to believe that most managers would be so naive. They would know exactly what you are saying, and approached right, would probably relish the chance to support you on this and thus form a stronger relationship with you.
Also, Daffodil, you cannot continue like this, and the longer it goes on the worse it is going to get, and the more you are going to move towards a nervous breakdown. And if you do need support, then you should ask for it as soon as you realise it is necessary.
Daffodil, you get bully characters like this all over the place, disruptive persons who are out to 'not be a part of the team'.
Basically, I think you will have got my drift, and, if I were your superior, and you came to me with this problem, we would work together, and if, after giving him the chance to get back in line, know his place, and be a positive team player, he did not realise the folly of his ways, and change his tune, I would begin arrangements that he should be fired.
You seem like a clever woman to me, Daf, so I expect you will have considered all avenues, but, perhaps, sometimes, in the middle of this kind of assult, you miss what could be the easy and obvious correct course of action.
So, if you do go this way, have in mind how you would like it to play, suggest to your superior when you speak that you are HOPING FOR SUPPORT FROM THE MANAGEMENT, then your superior starts to look at it the way you want him/her to. I think this last point is important
All the best. I get the feeling that everything could work out good for you.
Lotty.
Last edited by lotty467, Dec/31/2008, 4:08 pm
|
|
Dec/31/2008, 9:49 am
|
|
Daffodil66
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 12-2008
Posts: 134
Karma: 2 (+2/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: N at work
Thanks Lotty, I appreciate you taking the time to respond. You are trying to help and that's great. I've checked many of the links provided and am feeling confident about dealing with the situations which will undoubtedly arise. I've been doing much of what Femfree suggested anyway so I'm feeling confident that I'm dealing with issues which arise in a professional and appropriate manner for dealing with this person. I'm nowhere near a nervous breakdown, so rest assured, it's just a pain having to deal with such a person and constantly be watching your back, but such is life! Oh and I'm not female either! Thanks for all the help.
|
|
Jan/2/2009, 2:15 pm
|
|
lotty467
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 158
Karma: 4 (+4/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: N at work
Hi Daffodil,
Well, I'm glad that you have got the info you need, and that you will be sorting this out, and that you are able to handle it. That is the main thing.
I was just being a bit chatty.
But I would not like to have to hold rank over workers. I can imagine you would have to become another person than that of your actual, normal self. A difficult thing. And with a character like you describe, like you say, a pain in the butt. A very testing thing. Very stressful.
I do not think I would be right for the job. I have trouble with rank/orders/bosses, etc. So I work on my own.
Someone once told me that if you are a chargehand or something, you have never to allow your subordinates to 'get the measure of you', so that they are unnerved by the mysterious possibilities of the great and many powers you hold. And I thought that put it well and succinct.
It is funny I assumed you were a woman. I keep doing this, getting the sexes wrong. And I'm laughing as I think about it, because I wouldn't feel comfortable if someone refered to me as a woman. It is quite funny.
I wish you all the very best with your sorting this character out. There's always one, eh. But in another way, I suppose it is a good reason to go to work, to show him what you are made of; an interesting 'project'. They usually go away completely when you stand up to them.
Lotty.
|
|
Jan/2/2009, 9:59 pm
|
|
Add a reply
Page: 1 2
Link to us
- Blogs
- Hall of Honour
- Chat
|
You are not logged in (login)
Board's time is: Nov/29/2009, 10:22 pm
|
|
|
