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lotty467
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Re: N at work
Hi again, Daffodil. Sorry to keep tagging things on, but I do not beleive in not saying something if I think it is important to this kind of stuff we are on about on these boards.
You said that you had been having N-trouble at home, and then just as you were getting through that, this N at work starts up.
I would like to suggest that the two are connected, by which I mean that if you were dealing with N-trouble at home, then this will have drained you and demanded your full attention, perhaps, and possibly, in this weakened state, the character at work has detected this and decided to exploit your distraction.
The reason I say this is because I have had this happen to me on quite a significant scale.
When I was 'in pieces' with the N's attack on me (not the very much healed person you see before you today), and this was so acute that it would have shown to the outside world, you would be surprised (or maybe not, as you'll know how people can be) at how people came 'in for the kill', like vulchers closing in on a weakened, wounded animal. Neighbours, people. This is a very interesting subject in itself, and demands a thread of its own. But they really did close in. You learn a lot about the true nature of things when you are weakened. I had neighbours trying to physically intimidate me, even.
Anyway, I 'clocked' it and put it on one side to deal with later when I had recovered, and I still have a little way to go. But when I was recovered enough, I turned my energies on these characters. The first one I just looked at, and told him in that look. He got the message, and has kept out of the way.
One or two others 'had a go', and once I became strong again they saw that, and shrank back.
So perhaps this is what you are getting at work. The point I am making is that you will be able to put him back in his box, because just as he saw weakness, he will see strength.
I thought that was worth saying, so I just thought I'd tag it on, in the interests of us coming out winners. You know what I mean.
All the best, again, mate.
Lotty.
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Jan/3/2009, 5:43 am
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snowtiger
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Re: N at work
I was bullied at work by an N. I was in this employment for over seven years, and during the second half of my employment I worked in a unit with the N.
Things were OK with a male supervisor of the unit. The N was just there, and not really a part of my work day. In fact, I got promoted, and got nice raises. I was about topped out in my position, except to go into supervision. Meanwhile, the N was still getting a degree and did not have the same job classification.
Things radically changed when male supevisor left and another came in. The N immediately started sucking up to the new supervisor. N spent a lot of time in new supervisor's office.
My next performance review, instead of getting a substantial raises and having positive things said about my work, basically presented me as a problem employee, with no raise and probation. I was the same employee doing my work in the same way from my last performance review. I attribute that to how the N brainwashed the supervisor and started a campaign against me.
All the while, I maintained, more or less, No Contact. But here's where the idea of keep it superficial, no personal information, comes in. The N got wind of the fact of something I did not like. There was a door by my office and I did not like it slammed shut and kindly requested the supervisor look into doing something about the door. Well, the N had a field day with this. He had no reason to use this exit, but he started to use it all the time, slamming the door shut as much as possible. Its like he got a shread of information and went for it. I was being bullied, and bullied in other ways. He also used this as an opportunity to suck up to people who worked in my area. I think he hated me because I had a higher position than he did and also because I did not want to suck up to him. Maybe, on the second one.
It just got worse. By the time I left, the fact that I did not like noise and a door slammed shut by my office so hard the walls rattled became something pathological about me in the mind of the supervisor. Another coworker joined in on the game and they set me up with something. I had enough.
I was planning to leave, but I left sonner than expected and have never regretted it. The nice thing about leaving was that so many people in my work enivonrment came up to me and expressed how much they appreciated my good work. I did not have a problem finding another job. When I left he also made up a story that I had some kind of outburst with someone and filtered that through the community.
As for the N, he is still working there, almost a decade later, still pulling the same crap. A lot of times organizations are clueless and, of course, we know the N can suck up to anyone. I hear the blow by blow stories from a friendship I have maintained from that job. He even showed up in a restaurant once when I got together with this friend. I think that we planned. I ignored it, we ate, and left.
In this situation, it was best to leave. And, I had that option. I know not everyone does. I read a lot of information about bullying, including a book about work bullying, and generally it is the one bullied who ends up being avoided by coworkers and, in some case, can even be fired, and/or seen as the problem, not the one doing the bullying. That was true in this organization and I cannot believe how blind they continue to be towards this situation since this is more or less a human services non-profit organization. The idiot N is still working there. I think there's just too many nice people working there who feel like they cannot make any waves.
Leaving was good for me. But, also, I had been there seven years, and had developed a positive reputation with most people I worked with outside of the N's radar.
It started a whole process of healing from the N's in my life and I really did go on and reinvented my life in a new and interesting way.
Sometimes you just have to say ENOUGH!
Last edited by snowtiger, Feb/18/2009, 11:12 am
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Feb/18/2009, 11:04 am
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femfree
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Re: N at work
Great message snowtiger.
You'll like this as it validates what you say.
Q: What are bullying's typical outcomes?
A: In the majority of cases, the target of bullying is eliminated through forced resignation, unfair dismissal, or early or ill-health retirement whilst the bully is promoted. After a short interval of between two and 14 days, the bully selects another target and the cycle restarts. Sometimes another target is selected before the current target is eliminated.
Bully at Work – Interview with Tim Field by Dr. Sam Vaknin Business Correspondent – United Press International
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticabuse/message/3737
I believe I read in Namie's book to do an endrun - that is, after you have safety relocated with a new job and are thus rather immune, go back to the bean counters (bypassing HR) and let them know - at least you'll have done what you can. I think he called it an 'endrun'
Bullies by Tim Field
http://narcissisticpersonalitydisorder.aimoo.com/THE-PSYCHOPATH-Read-Only/Bullies-by-Tim-Field-1-261735.html
Ns do such damage.
femfree
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Feb/18/2009, 1:09 pm
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snowtiger
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Re: N at work
Femfree,
Thanks for posting those articles. Very interesting and relevant to what occurred in the past. And, of course, I understand how my getting out of there so-called solved the problem.
What a toxic person this bully is. The stories from my friend who works there go on and on and just always point out to what an N this employee is.
I am surprised that this part of the board is not busier with posts. Workplace bullying is so common and such a problem for so many.
Last edited by snowtiger, Feb/18/2009, 10:55 pm
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Feb/18/2009, 10:54 pm
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Daffodil66
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Re: N at work
Snowtiger, thanks for sharing, that was a great post. You are right, there are so many of them out there. I love your words, "sometimes you just have to say enough", so relevant and so brave.
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Feb/19/2009, 5:07 pm
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JiaMulan
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Re: N at work
Daffodil,
I have one at work too. And, our moderator has really said it all. I just wanted to encourage you by saying you're on the right track.
Minimizing contact is key.
With my boss' support I work at home some, I don't post my office hours, etc. The two of us (he was at his wit's end too) went to Human Resources for strategies in dealing with my co-worker. This was extreme, but one of the decisions we reached was that my co-worker cannot come to my office or contact me in any way. Of course, when he went looking for another source of attention, he found my boss. Now my boss has appointed another exec to manage him, and that executive has formed a committee. Everytime the co-worker wants to violate standard practices, he has to go to the committee.
It's a crazy amount of time and energy, but at least it's no longer my time and energy.
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Jul/11/2009, 1:00 am
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Daffodil66
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Re: N at work
Thanks JiaMulan, I appreciate your post. Things haven't been too bad lately, the N has a new partner and seems to be in good humor most of the time! Also I have got permission to exclude this person from my online calendar so they don't know what I'm doing. It's been much easier, the gifts were tried as bait but I avoided them.
I'm so glad things have improved for you. I know what it feels like to have nowhere to hide. I suppose we are both fortunate that we found a way to get the support we needed.
Wishing you lots of luck and thanks again
Daffodil
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Jul/13/2009, 10:31 am
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