femfree
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After a Year of No Contact by Serene Reflections
After a Year of No Contact
by Serene Reflections
“In today’s environment, hoarding knowledge
ultimately erodes your power. If you know
something very important, the way to get
power is by actually sharing it.”
Joseph Bardaracco
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After a Year of No Contact
by Serene Reflections
For those of you wondering I wanted to share with you where my head is after a year of NC.
During the initial breakup his living in my head was such a distraction I could not go 5 minutes without considering him in some way. He dominated my thoughts, I was tormented… it was a living hell. Every single thing I did, saw or experienced I imagined the scenario with him. He was my last thought before going to sleep and the first thought when I woke up.
In the first quarter of our separation, I focused on the “What if’s? Always analyzing if he or I did this or that, altering the screenplay with fantasies of a better outcome. In short I kept reliving and rewriting the script. Yes, I was obsessed.
As time went on dismissing him out of my heart was so much easier than dismissing him out of my head and emotions. Like a Vampire, once bitten their venom flows in the bloodstream. His attempts of contact, voice mail messages and e-mails were a part of (withdrawel) agenda I looked forward too in great anticipation. It was always so tempting to respond.
I reflect during our time together, there I was pouring all my energy into this bonehead jerk that could not look pass the next free meal, ego boost or pounce of the day. I was yesterday’s news in his head after our 2 month honeymoon. We dragged out the saga for (4 high-drama, tumultuous years)
Meanwhile … a year later, after going through cold turkey (like a heroin addict still wanting one last shot) I resisted with everything I could in sticking with NC.
Now, he (us) seems like 5 years ago. Yes, I still get flashbacks but it’s no longer about him. It’s all about (ME) shaking my head over my sheer stupidity and how I hopelessly surrendered under his spell. It’s one of those “What the F--- what I thinking?
The scenarios and flashbacks in my head have now shifted to his degradation, manipulation, supreme D&D and how pathetic I was in fighting for my dignity and just hoping for him to toss me a bone of approval. We all share the same stories, his are no different than the other’s but for some reason, I just let his **** slide… why, I’ll never know?
But I do know I will never allow that to happen again. Swear to God – I do not recognize those pathetic, deplorable aspects of myself!
Finally, I’m now back “Full Force” on my game (my life is going fantastic on all counts) I chalk him up to the darkest season of my life. I was the one that stayed too long at the party. Funny, how once you "blackball" them in your Psyche they just seem to disappear. They read vulnerability the same way a vulgar flies past a corpse with no meat on the bones. They are prudent with their satanic games and if you no longer qualify as a sweet target with great return they rapidly move on to the next juicy prey.
Guys, it took me awhile – but once you shake that “dark paradigm of illusion” the world becomes bright again and life precious! No, I’m not mad – No, I’m not bitter … I rather celebrate the fact I survived the “Ring of Fire” and learned a lot about myself along the way. I promise, once he is out of your Psyche he will be out of your life! I was the one that retained him with a “mere intention” curiosity, hope, wonderment and pain.
Once I tossed all his stuff into the incinerator he burned right out of my life. The realization that finally hit home with me is he has had 3 bad relationhips since we broke up (3 years ago) has lived off each woman, spent their money, physically abused them and their children, while all along chanting I am the love of his life. Duh - what is wrong with this picture?
God, I hope this helps some of you out there to know there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Serene
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Graphic: "Sheryl's Dance" Artist Lee Mothes
http://oceansanddreams.com/
Webset by Irens Graphics
http://www.irensgraphic.nu/grafikindex.htm
Last edited by femfree, Mar/29/2009, 7:45 am
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Mar/29/2009, 7:44 am
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