Tangie
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NPD Stepfather
To say i've been through hell and back (emotionally) for the past 22 years is an understatement!!!
In my adult years, and since therapy, i've tried (unsuccessfully) to argue the point of what has happened to me with my Mother. She cannot see where the harm is as I was never "physically or sexually" abused!
My Mother married my Stepfather when I was 8 years old. My earliest memory of him was at the tender age of 8 (while having some 8 year old disagreement with my Mother) he leaned over me and told me that if I couldn't get along, I could "pack my s**t and get out of his house". Not a great start?
To best describe him - he is a very tall, very obese man (in fact my Mom spent a good deal of time recently organising gastric bypass surgery for him - he wouldn't even do this for himself). He is highly intellectual, analytical and when in a crowded room (especially family get togethers on my Moms side of the family) will withdraw in a way that shows him to be "summarising every move of everyone else". After such an event, he will make remarks regarding each person attending - mostly about how they are less than him, inferior to, or just plain stupid or worthless. They make no attempt to flatter him so they are subject to his venom.
As for me. I guess I was always a strong willed thing and somehow as a child I must've just refused to play ball because (by my own childlike perception) the guy ALWAYS hated me. He would go out of his way to play mind games with me (once he was nagged into playing a game of catch with me by my Mother and he abruptly ended the game by throwing the ball at my face and nearly knocking my teeth out). I'm not sure how much I should go on, but I finally decided I could have nothing more to do with him after a visit to their home with my young daughter whereby he cursed me out and also my daughter.
It is very difficult maintaining a relationship with my Mother. She is a whole other set of psychological issues and defends this guy to the death. Our relationship has to exist independent of him, almost in secret. I also have a half sister (his biological daughter) who is now displaying her own set of NPD traits, not least of all a complete lack of empathy.
I cannot believe how much of this effects me daily and how angry I am about this abuse of my childhood and of me as a person. Even though he's now not really involved in my life, I still manage to have to deal with him from time to time and he always "puts me in my place."
While he is highly intelligent and analtyical, he completely lacks in the physical department (both overweight, unfit and with weight related health issues) yet he is obsessed with all things military (when he isn't working he is immersed in war documentaries) and I think he believes if he wasn't in the occupation that he is, then he'd make a great dictator or leader in the armed forces.
I could go on and on, but I'll leave it there for now!
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Jan/12/2009, 2:54 pm
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zlata2614
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Re: NPD Stepfather
Hi Tangie,
This is such a nice name, you have picked, I like it, whether it is real or not.
It is sad to read, that your mother can't get the point. looks like she might be under "the spell" , of this guy, and as you write has her own explanation and reasoning. Verbal abuse can be very very damaging,and i have seen it with my hubby's kids. As my mother is somatic N,his XW is celebral N, and fits the description of your stepfather. She is obese, sloppy, far cry from once tall, blonde, pretty woman. she is a teacher, who I could only describe as "ta-ta machine" , who just never shuts up. It had taken a big toll on my hubby who after trying everything realized the best is that he tries to make a home for his own kids away from XW. However she was very negative, depressed about her own neglected childhood, and not wanting to move on, but trying to control kids in "neutral" state. My hubby has been spending a lot of time talking with his son, who is heavily damaged, however convinced that his mother loves him. His daughter is now heavily sympathizing with ," poor" mother ,who in her own retaliation from her own mother, is now a heavy gamblilng addict, feeling sorry for herself, not being able to find a relationship with a man, but always sitting above the rest.
So, verbal damage can be very damaging, and N's can be sloppy obese, focusing on controlling and critisizing others , rather than fixing themselves.
This man, is best to stay away as far as you can, including keeping your daughter away. If your mom at any time comes to agreement with you it would be a surprise,so maybe you can just spend good time with her alone, and not getting into topic of her husband. It is interesting that his daughter is following his route, possible seeing power in this kind of behaviour.
Focus on you , getting to learn and understand, as much as you can so that you can be a mother you want to be to your daughter. I see how my 2 sons, were raised better off without N's in their lives, and as much as I want to help my hubby's kids, it is very hard, and my heart goes to them, as they are wasting their lives wanting love and approval from a woman who is empty, hollow,and full of venom. She is intelligent, analytical, a high school science teacher, and as we see from here, an N.
Tangie, you have a life ahead of you, and a future to give to your daughter,and a grandma who can be grandma without other half.
regards, Zlata
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Jan/14/2009, 7:38 am
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Tangie
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Re: NPD Stepfather
Thanks so much Zlata (HUGE HUGS)!!
Tangie is indeed my real name (well actually an abbreviation of my real name, but folks really call me that)!
The stepfather was particularly great at games of humiliation (for example, he once got set the task of taking me shopping for a winter coat. I was 12 at the time. I found one I liked and he asked me to try it on. I shrugged and went to put it on - he stopped me and said NO in the dressing room. I turned to go to the dressing rooms when he said "just go over there" when I looked "over there" was the mens dressing room. When I explained things quickly escalated and I had to comply to soothe the situation and off I went to the mens changing rooms). There are more things a plenty, but thats pretty typical of his ways.
I try very hard to keep mine and my moms relationship exclusive of him. I said in another post that I used to phone their home and if he answered the phone i'd hang up because the sound of his voice made it feel like my insiders were in a blender that someone had just flipped the switch on. It is hard though because now my Mom is in ill health and he is using that factor to control our relationship.
I would never make the mistake of taking my family into his home again though - EVER - especially not my daughter.
It is very hard suddenly figuring out what the past 22 years have been all about. So daunting, so difficult. I hope I get into an "okay" position one day.
I used to struggle with ENORMOUS anger and control issues (fear of being controlled, not me needing to be the controller). I am so much better now that I am older and a Mother - in fact I'm completely changed. However, when I was completely away from the Stepfather's grasp of control - I had fury inside me abound and it's only the past 10 or 12 years I've come to understand things to a degree.
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Jan/14/2009, 6:03 pm
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zlata2614
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Re: NPD Stepfather
Hi Tangie,
It is interesting how you describe what happens when you just hear his voice,"feel like my insiders were in a blender that someone just flipped the switch on", yes that is exactly that feeling, I could not find words to describe. It was "that feeling" that I just couldn't control that set me off to go totally NC with my NM. She was pressuring me to come to her party,and purposely inviting a woman and her parents, who MM was using to compare me to, and pin against.I declined to go if that woman was coming, and simply went NC after that. It was few months prior that I found about NPD, on the net.
Great games of humiliation, yes, that is the word! I had coat issues, where she would pride out of me my likes and desires, and then set out to get me something of lesser value and ,watch me squirm as I would try it. Mine was very sexual, still is, at age 77, and refused to get me bathing suit, even a bikini that had a top, claiming that I had nothing, and I don't need to cover anything.
I am glad to hear that you are much better with anger and control issues, I try to "drown" anger with ALL the good and positive in my life, not letting it affect my relationships, especially with my hubby, who has been very understanding and supportive, and my sons who need care and support in their lives.
As for control. I have skipped fear of being controlled,I just moved to lots of self control . I still have anxiety issues when someone else is driving,I have been trying to control them , if say my son is driving. My hubby simply offers me the honors, if the choice is between him or me.
It is amazing, how events keep popping up, as someone "jogs" the memory, however NOW I am prepared, "to catch it", and immediately place it in an "explanation basket", somehow bypassing the "blow" it could give me, so it doesn't take an emotional toll on me.In other words I think I am doing as good as I can,with the past I can't change but can explain.
Hugs to you Tangie, regards, Zlata
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Jan/15/2009, 6:56 am
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Innerdepths
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Re: NPD Stepfather
Tangie
I can relate to your story as I have a NPD for a stepdad. I just posted something on my Narc stepdad and then discovered your post...I just posted my how I became on orphan dark comedy story that I wrote a few years back.
It's hard having a person like that in one's life and greatly childhood stealing to have a man like that around when young.
I just hope that you are doing well now and that the healing has started for you.....I don't feel so alone now and thank you for your post!
ID
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Jun/21/2009, 11:07 pm
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