Change9
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Realizations about Toxic N Mother
I believe now my mother could be psychopath not just N. She has no empathy for other human beings, but she knows how to play the nice part. Recently I was reading People of the Lie again for first time in 20 years, it was hard hitting.
I made the mistake of even trying to go to her for help. She apologized to me in email, [this was for calling me a loser]where I confronted her I think her husband probably saw the saw the email so she had to PLAY NICE. I had one friend WISELY point out to me later, that she seemed to sucker me into crawling back for more by being nice, this false notion of holding a bone out to the dog. When this friend said this, it WOKE ME UP. I said OMG, that is the pattern!
ITs like out of desperation to be loved, etc, that one sees a hint of niceness and goes crawling back for more. I believe relationship with mother is even more toxic then with N husband.
What is interesting is the other day, brother had put pictures on Facebook, and mother was literally sneering in one, she was standing behind my divorced brother's girlfriend who is younger, and the expression on the face...OMG, I wish I had saved it, she must have yelled at him about it, because he took it down the next day. I got another one where she is sitting next to my Aspergers [he is far more severe then me] nephew and sneering because he wont smile for the camera.
Anyhow the day that N husband tossed bookshelf across the room, she called me or other way around, and we got to talking, I said I cant take this anymore. She said well you can come here, but youll have to sleep uptstairs. I thought maybe that would be better then being with husbnad, [but I thought from the start yeah trade one abuser for another] I told her can you come and get me, you know I cant drive that far. [I really can only drive a few miles--15 miles is longest drive Ive done in 6 years and that was because of car breaking down and me following husband and it wiped me out and that was on country roads} She said no you can drive yourself here. I said I cant do that. She just ignored me. Put the car on cruise control. I still do drive to make sure I can do it, but this is stamina limitations and I do think of other people on road and only do what I can handle. So that was pretty nasty.
Then I said can you two come up here, and just show up and help me take my medical equipment out of here? I cant sneak all this stuff out that I need without him waking up. She said No you can sneak it out, I said if he wakes up, he probably will beat the crap out of me, at very least slap the living crap out of me or try and hold me here. I am scared. She didnt care. That is one thing, she has had absolutely no empathy for my physical fear of husband. [yes I told her about other abuse]
She talked then about renting apt I could not afford in long run where I would be dependent on her for daily money. I said I do not want to live in your town, it is huge, ghetto, and a poor person will suffer there, I want to move to a small town where things are slower and more relaxed. I thought to my horror, she could take my guardianship away [like my aunt] and thought what in the hell are you doing? Dont trade this psycho for her. The money or "help" isnt worth it at all.
She really did not want me to come out, I know that, she made it so hard, demanding I drive on my own 150 miles in my state of health {Remember I am sick enough I got a visiting nurse once a week and visiting doctor once a month, I am technically housebound, though that doesnt mean prisoner, I still make myself go out on good weather days sometimes to keep the ability to do so even if it is very hard.
I just think of the mental mind screws and more. She is such an utterly COLD person. I really am facing the facts lately of what it is has meant for me never to have been loved as a child, and what it has done to my perosnality. I had extreme counseling in my 20s, where I was really messed up, but I must not have healed completely. One can forgive but if you allow someone to hurt you again, it does not matter.
I realize I have always been a fearful person because I never had support. Ive always been essentially alone in this world. What I am doing now, trying to moving to new place, away from all them is fraught with risk. I got sick, because of her crap above, I got a bad leg infection, I prayed to stay out of hospital and it ended up not being a very severe one, though I had to go on antibiotics.
One sickening thing is how she has minimized his abuse. He literally leaped out of bed, and pulled the bookshelf over, and all the books dumped on the ground.
She said to me "Oh he is just stressed out, and you two need to spend more time getting out especially you" {I have tried that, I do really hate this community as my normal ways to make friends in this affluent resort town have not worked}
What is sickening is how she has seperated rest of family from me. I think she hates me and awlays has. I think only appearances sakes has kept her helping me at all. To me this has been a giant betrayal of guargantuan levels.
Back to the PEOPLE OF THE LIE book, while as a Christian I must be mindful of my own evil, I believe she is an evil person and I believe my husband is evil as well. The masks they wear and what is underneath make them incredibly evil. That is one thing that is talked about in that book, how they put on false fronts.
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Jun/16/2009, 6:48 am
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butterflylove
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Re: Realizations about Toxic N Mother
quote:
I believe now my mother could be psychopath not just N
Yes mine too. She took so much pleasure out of beating the bloody hell out of me. But guess what? She was not beating me, she was beating herself, we are mirrors, she is masochistic.
quote:
I realize I have always been a fearful person because I never had support
I realized I was a fearful person cause my N mother beat the bloody hell out of me..."Do not love me, FEAR me" was her motto.
quote:
What is sickening is how she has seperated rest of family from me. I think she hates me and awlays has.
Change ((((((((HUGE HUGS)))))))), N's do not like themselves. The hardest thing for me and I am working on it, processing my feelings, to my N mother I was her, she does not like herself, I was her mirror, she beat the bloody hell out of me cause she saw herself.
With me, I am working on both, how I feel about what I felt as a little girl, cause our feelings are vaild. If we feel hurt, that is what we feel.
And also the fact that my N mother did not see me as a person..but as an object.
Change, I think it is fantastic that you are posting getting everything out, good for you.
Last edited by butterflylove, Jun/20/2009, 8:02 pm
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If anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet when you leave that house or town. Matthew 10:14
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Jun/20/2009, 7:31 pm
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Change9
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Registered: 11-2008
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Re: Realizations about Toxic N Mother
quote:
Yes mine too. She took so much pleasure out of beating the bloody hell out of me. But guess what? She was not beating me, she was beating herself, we are mirrors, she is masochistic.
I got hit and slapped too.
But one thing in my favor, I used to be nearly 6 feet tall when young and was just big Amazonian before weight got out of control. {I have shrunk to 5 7 from health problems and have bad weight, but not hearty like I was then]
I suspect the abuse could have been worse. She instead used psychological put downs.
I know one reason I am afraid is because of this early treatment.
One reason I am going back to my old town, is I am going where I feel safe, and where I am not abused. A small friendly town is much better then crappy stuck up town, where even the disability person, tells you look we are overwhelmed by the ghetto here, you need to LEAVE if you divorce!
I know even living alone, etc, doing this I am going to be scared crapless. Psych nurse, wants me to consider Buspar.
I think they do hate themsevles at some core place. I have struggled with self hatred, but I always got feeling mother thought she was ugly and husbnad had some kind of thing going with that too. Even the I wannabe a star crap seems to be overcompensation.
Thanks for your support Butterfly.
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Jul/10/2009, 8:24 am
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