PathosEcho7
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Reading for a very specific question: when to go no contact as an ACON!
Fellow ACONS:
I can't be the first to have noticed this, but there is a marked paucity of books to read that deal specifically with this question (or maybe not, what do I know): How does an ACON evaluate whether or not to go no-contact with the N father or mother? Children of the Self-Absorbed left me a little disenchanted...just by the title I thought it was right up my alley. Books written by Bancroft and others advise abused women on when to exit a relationship, but unfortunately the picture for us is a bit more dim.
So to be perfectly clear: this is books you guys have read that actually answer this specific question. If this question reveals ignorance on my part, apologies in advance...I'm a little new to the scene I suppose.
Best of luck to everyone.
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Jun/22/2009, 12:19 am
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spaceflower
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Re: Reading for a very specific question: when to go no contact as an ACON!
Hi PE7,
I've read Children of the Self-Absorbed. Thought the title was right up my alley too, but I couldn't help think helping of Children of the Corn 
I read Disarming the Narcissist, but didn't like it. They give all these scenarios where you react to N behavior and they have scripts you can use to "disarm" the N. That says to me: it's up to us to change the N. IMO, it's not gonna happen. The "Children..."book was much better. It focused on improving and taking care of yourself. I also liked the chapter on empathic behavior. Growing up ACON, I lacked modeling empathy. That opened my eyes to how to react with empathy. These are the books on N's I've read so far.
You're right, the "Children..." book doesn't answer the question on when to exit a relationship, or cease associating with a parent. I wished it was more specific about that, too. But I suppose that isn't necessarily bad. Maybe it can't be spelled out, and we need to just listen inside to our voice to know if it's right.
I realized my r/s with NF was the source of a lot of my anger. And also, visiting him caused a lot of stress. My husband was stressed becaused I was stressed. The people in my everyday life are #1, so if N contact is causing stress and anger, it's not worth it. If trying to patch things doesn't work, and trying to question and confront our N parents doesn't work to change things, then what will?
I wrote a post yesterday about no contact on Father's day. I was trying to work through my feelings on no contact with him. Neither solution brings joy, but which solution brings truth? Which alieviates control?
Best to you in searching for these answers. Couselors help greatly if you haven't talked to someone yet. You aren't alone in this search.
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Jun/22/2009, 9:55 am
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Fridays Child22
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 Re: Reading for a very specific question: when to go no contact as an ACON!
A book which I find very useful is: Trapped In the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists In Their Struggle for Self, by Elan Golomb. Even though this isn't the usual kind of "How To" type of self-help book, Golomb does give guidelines in chapter 17: Learning to Relate to the Narcissistic Parent: The Way It Is and How It Can Be Improved.
In the past, I have tried to "exit" the relationships with my parents and more importantly my extremely controlling and manipulative older sister who has caused me great distress; however, they eventually track me down and I have let them back into my life thinking that "this time they may be different" only to find past patterns and behaviors repeating themselves. I now believe that narcissists rarely, if ever, change. Instead I'm learning how to be more assertive and set firm boundaries.
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Jun/30/2009, 9:48 pm
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Change9
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Re: Reading for a very specific question: when to go no contact as an ACON!
NC is eaasy for me, they have little to do with me as possible. a polite phone call every 3 weeks or so, and thats it. There is no involvement otherwise. I haven't seen my mother in an entire year, except she stopped by here for 10 minutes on the way to my sisters house where she spent 1 entire week {has since been there for 3 other 1 week long visits} to drop off some old paintings from her vacation home in Florida, and acouple Christmas gifts in Dec.
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Jul/10/2009, 7:54 am
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