OVERIT09
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How do N parents treat their childrens spouses
Would very much appreciate any information on this subject.
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"People who know and feel what happened to them in their childhood will never
want to harm others."
Alice Miller
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Jun/22/2009, 5:50 am
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spaceflower
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Re: How do N parents treat their childrens spouses
Behind the back of BIL #1, NF made fun of him and criticised him. BIL #1 chose to spend lots of time with my nephews, and wasn't career oriented. He was the opposite of my NF, who never spent time with us, a workaholic that went to the bar every night.
NF really liked BIL #2. They were alike politically, and had the same humor. Also, this BIL was an engineer, and NF respected that.
Here's the irony: BIL #1 and sister stay in contact with NF, and think any marital problems were caused by my mother. BIL #2 and other sister have been NC from NF for 15 years, and BIL #2 recognizes the emotional abuse and self-esteem problems the NF caused to his wife.
NF is, was, very nice to my husband. However, my husband asked when they first met: "why NF never asks him questions about himself? And he hasn't even asked what I do for a living?"
The answer I came up with is that he can't focus on others. He just wants to have a surface relationship where everyone gets along. (Before I knew about NPD)
Last edited by spaceflower, Jun/22/2009, 10:25 am
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Jun/22/2009, 10:14 am
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Gettingthere
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Re: How do N parents treat their childrens spouses
Both parents plus my siblings were Ns and as soon as they were able they all went to live on separate continents from one another...that’s how much ill will there was. Here’s a few tales:
On one of his rare visits to the UK my Father invited me and my husband (who he’d never showed any interest in meeting until this point) to visit him and his wife for a week. Hubby spent the first evening listening to my father talking endlessly about himself and all his wonderful - if increasingly far-fetched - exploits. After a few interminable hours of this torture, hubby nipped out to the kitchen to make himself some food, and when he returned my Father was still droning away, having completely failed to notice his guest‘s ten-minute absence.
At the end of this visit, my husband said “This was the first time your Dad’s seen you for six years, yet not once during the whole week did he ask you how you were…or even what you were doing these days. For all he knew, you could have been made managing director of ICI. All he did was talk about himself. (Speaking of which, how come you never mentioned that he was a Buddhist monk in Tibet, worked for the French Resistance during the War and had run an antique shop in West London when he was a teenager?)"
For his part, my father said my hubby was a failure who would never make anything of himself. When I phoned my Father to tell him that hubby had finally obtained his Doctorate he responded with the words ‘Overqualified. Nobody will want to employ him now. He’ll never work again.’
After my sister gave birth to her second child, my Father immediately wrote a short, pleasant letter to his Son-in-Law extolling the virtues of a vasectomy and offering to personally pay for him to have one performed.
My Mother-in-Law is also a N and has managed to alienate two of her sons and every one of her Daughters-in-Law. One of them had the temerity to describe Mother-in-Law’s duck-down duvet as ’Looking a bit lumpy.’ Mother-in-law’s response was to tell her son that his wife was sleeping with her boss and the whole town knew he was a cuckold. I was the last Daughter-in-Law standing and took a lot of grief over the years until I finally terminated contact with her three years ago.
In answer to your question, I believe they treat Sons and Daughters in Law the same way they treat everyone else including their children: potential NS until proved otherwise, at which point they are discarded as being of no value beyond that of unseen props for the N's tales of continued grievance.
Best Wishes, G
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Jun/29/2009, 8:25 pm
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