Change9
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Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 789
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My Decision and Mother
You know I am still thinking about that day when she told me to come to her house [after husbnad had abused me, I think that is day after he pulled down bookshelf, having leaped out of bed with gout to do so] He didnt hit me that day, but watching giant bookshelves fly around doesnt do wonders for one's psyche, and then her telling me to drive on the highway...when she knows I only have stamina to do intown driving up to about 10 miles safely, hoping to build it up when I go back home to my old town. It will be easier to drive there in country town and I probably will actually do better now that I have driven around this busy place. I got a leg infection from this stress. I knew right then if I lived with her even for two days, because of the cruelty, I probably would die and end up in hospital.
But her refusal to come get me and help me, said it all. It was a pretend offer.
I fear having guardianship taken away like what happened to my aunt, so I didnt go. My aunt is in better medical and phyiscal shape then me {can drive herself 30 mile round trip to dialysis even in middel of winter] She was left almost to die by N grandmother, have told you that story where N grandmother left her with no running water, LIVING NEXT DOOR for years, and she was afraid to tell her.
When I move I am going to be not telling mother where I am going. I actually probably could call her or her me, and have her think I am still living in this town and married and she is so uninviolved in my life, I could make it happen for over a year.
She actually has hurt me bad, and I plan to talk to therapists, about this, how she told me I would end up bag lady alone, and made fun of me saying, [I hadnt brought up nothing about antyhing] are you going to go back to hooterville? She made fun of town I loved all the time.
I am not telling her crap. I have to stick by this. I dont trust her, and know she could betray me to him or even tell him where I am.
I am sure he will unload all the bad stuff Ive said about her over the years. Could care less.
i knew my mother was total evil, the day he abused me on the way to her house, he had doctor appt in town, since has let go of that doctor, but he drove 100 miles on the highway, and I thought i was going to die, and I went into a total panic meltdown, where most people would need an ambulance, and breathing problems. {I never have gone back to her house since this was April of 2008} He dumped me off squealing into the driveway. She *****ed about him driving so fast, I went into house crying, and was breathing bad, and she just gave me dirty look. I am scared of her, and knew Id be calling an ambulance, so I went into bathroom and took like 3 Bendaryls. Doctor knows I use it like this. {only take Benadryl in severe panic attakcs, like once a month maybe or less or asthma--allergy like when face bloated from cayenne pepper} I was able to calm down. That was day she decided once I was calm to tell me I had nothing to show for my life and that I was a loser and started yelling at me for marrying him.
There has never been one real hug, never one kiss, never any love shown to me. One therapist said I had serious attachment disorder but avoided becoming a sociopath because I bonded to my siblings who were close in age to me.
I really dont have a relationship with her. I know in my heart of hearts she hates me. Even the limited dealings have been to keep me off her doorstep, and for appearances sakes. She has turned the whole family against me.
I realize this betrayal matches when they left me in the ghetto to almost die in Chicago. That is when I got with the N.
Being a Christian, I have prayed to God to one day have a family who loves me. I do care about my brother and cousins, [they all live very far away and spread out in places too expensive for me to survive in] and they do me, but N mommy rules that roost. Brother will be helping me to move. I have to tell him NOT to tell her anything, it could put me in danger.
So I will say nothing, and simply go poof! into my old town. I know psychologically I need a familiar place, and surroundings.
Last edited by Change9, Jul/10/2009, 8:20 am
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