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Karmasoup
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What happens to the Golden Child
I have gone NC with most of my family - after years of abuse, being shamed and made to feel guilty. I have realized that for me it is the only way. I can honestly say, I tried everything, and many, many times over to become the person my mother could love. It was never there to be given to me.
So I was the scapegoat. Always will be. It's funny that now I remember cousins telling thier mothers (my Aunts) "Everything was Karma's fault, even when it wasn't her fault" and I remember saying things to my Aunts like "I feel like I'm the punching bag for my family". This was before I knew anything about Narcissism.
NC is the only way for me. But here is my question: my younger brother has always been the "Golden Child". My mother often told me that he was her favorite and I was her least favorite. etc. etc. (so sick when I think back on it now- but at the time, how does a child know?) So now that I'm NC. What will become of my brother? Who will replace me as the object of blame?
Is it just as bad for the Golden child as it is for the scapegoat - but in a different way?
Will he be messed up too? I hate to see it, because he really is a kind, decent, loving man. But he has been cruel to me as well ( I think he was conditioned to blame me for everything so I don't think it's his fault)
What happens to the "Golden Child"?
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Jul/24/2009, 7:09 am
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spaceflower
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Re: What happens to the Golden Child
I think whether you're a Golden Child, a Scapegoat, a Narcissist offspring, or whatever frame of mind you're in, the only way perceptions and behaviors can change is to see the reality of the abuse and the abuser.
A scapegoat is probably the the one who is most likely to get fed up, angry, and say "enough is enough". Will seek help, since he/she feels like a victim.
The Golden Child has warped positive reinforcement, so it's probably harder to see a reason for their environment to change. It's never their fault, why change? Are they happy? From my experience with Golden Child relatives, I don't see happiness, but they still seem to maintain self-esteem.
As we know, if you are a Narcissist Offspring, the chances to see the reality of the situation and change are slim.
What happens to the Golden Child (your brother)?
You are kind to be concerned. But maybe it's best not to worry? As children of narcissists, we have been conditioned to worry about everybody else's emotional well-being. Focus on you, live your best life, live well. I think that positivity will project in a good way.
The only people who don't take to enjoying being around others living a good healthy life are N's.
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Jul/24/2009, 12:58 pm
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Karmasoup
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Re: What happens to the Golden Child
Thanks Space -
you're right, I guess I shouldn't be concerned, but I really can't help it.
And you're right about nothing being their fault- somehow, it always comes back to me. He recently lost his job abd it is my fault bc he may have to sell his house - something about money I owed him from years ago.
I think where they may have problems, is in accepting responsiblity and acdepting the fact that they are not perfect, and life isn't always about being perfect and blameless.
Thanks - I needed to hear your comment. Your advice was very good, and validating.
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Jul/25/2009, 8:54 am
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Daffodil66
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Re: What happens to the Golden Child
Hi Karma
Hope you are feeling a bit better. I think I might have some idea of what you could be feeling. I think Spaceflower is right, and it's necessary to be selfish and look after yourself during the healing period as I call it....that time when NC begins and the journey through acceptance. I still have the guilt at times but I know I'm doing the right thing. I have been NC with my family for quite a while and the longer it has gone on, the stronger I have felt. I know I'm doing the right thing, but sometimes I have to remind myself of this. I'm sick of always worrrying about others, N rage, etc, so now it's me time and I have to say since I got my head around that I've felt so much better and my own family's lives must be easier because my frame of mind is better. I had such a hard time leading up to NC and I had no choice but to go NC or go mad and drive my own family mad too. I chose to look after me and mine for a change, I hope you do too. I was always the scapegoat too, I just chose not to allow this to happen any more, it'll always be someone else's fault with N's. I hope you find peace Karma and I know what you mean about drifting back to worrying, it's hard. Take care and go easy on yourself.
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Jul/29/2009, 5:23 pm
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Karmasoup
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Re: What happens to the Golden Child
Hi Daff -
Thanks, I completely understand the difficulty with making the decision to go NC with family. We ending looking like the bad guy, or the disturbed one, not the N parent. What makes me angry is that I was completely set up for failure - like my mother wanted me to suffer so that she could say " See it is her, not me" and everyone either sweeps it under the rug or agrees with her.
I now believe that my brother was conditioned deep down to blame me. I think he cares, I think he's kind-hearted, but deep inside, he wants a scapegoat for his probs as well.
I'm happy that you're on the road to recovery from this sick, sick disorder. I read somewhere that the N parent needs to be treated just like an N relationship - for me it was toxin and NC was the only way.
Thanks again for your kind words
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Aug/1/2009, 7:11 am
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suzyq1234
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Re: What happens to the Golden Child
In my family I will tell you what happened to the Golden Child/ He was my younger brother. My older brother and I had the $hit beat out of us and so much mental abuse. He walked on water. Up to almost 50 years later. The boy still walks on water. My older brother is lost in some drunken drug addicted haze God knows where. I am one step away from suicide yet still having to provide help to her highness since my dad died/ The Golden Child......Well he still walks on water and not very often visits her (our mom) I do everything to help her and he does nothing yet patheticallly she builds him up every day!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Aug/2/2009, 6:53 pm
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Karmasoup
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Re: What happens to the Golden Child
Suzy
Isn't there anything you can do - make the younger brother help? It makes me sick to think of that situation, you feeling guilty and responsible while he skates off free.
I know I would have been in the same place if I had not gone NC. I do often think about my ageing parents and wht they will do when they need one of their children to look after them. I know I won't be the one. My older brother has five children and looks after his wife's parents to some extent.
My younger brother - the "GC" - lives in a different state and I know it will kill her to have to rely on him.
Should be interesting.
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Aug/12/2009, 7:51 am
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Lucky One
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Re: What happens to the Golden Child
Hi Karma,
I too struggled with this question and after much searching came across the following:
“As a way of coping with feelings of helplessness, we idealise people important to us, beginning with our first caretakers, assigning powerful imagery to them. Through this idealising process we hope to combat helplessness and acquire some of the power of the person admired.
When idealising and mirroring show up in organisational settings, these transferential patterns accelerate a process whereby followers no longer respond to the leader according to the reality of the situation, but rather as if the leader were a significant figure from the past, such as a parent or other authoritative person. The followers emotional legacy drives them to transfer many of their past hopes and fantasies to people in positions of power and authority. This idealising transference creates in the followers a sense of being protected and sharing in “reflected” power.
Reactive narcissistic leaders are especially responsive to such admiration, often becoming so dependent on it that they can no longer function without this emotional fix. It fatally seduces such leaders into believing that they are in fact the illusory creatures their followers have made them out to be. It is a two-way street of course: Followers project their fantasies onto their leaders, and leaders mirror themselves in the glow of their followers. The result for leaders who are reactive narcissists is that disposition and position work together to wreak havoc on reality-testing: They are happy to find themselves in a mutual admiration society - or indeed in a hall of mirrors that lets them hear and see only what they want to hear and see. When followers rebel against a leader's distorted view of the world, the leader, perceiving such disagreement as a direct personal attack, may react with an outburst of rage. This "tantrum", if you will - a reenactment of childhood behaviour - originates from earlier feelings of helplessness and humiliation. Unlike in childhood, however, the power that such leaders now hold means that the impact of their rage on their immediate environment can be devastating.
Such outbursts compound the problem by intimidating followers, who then themselves regress to more childlike behaviour. To overcome the severe anxiety prompted by the leader's aggression, followers may revert to the defensive reaction known as "identification with the aggressor", thus transforming themselves from the threatened to the threatening.
Within this climate of dependency, the world is seen as starkly black and white. In other words, people are either for or against the leader. Independent thinkers are removed, while those who hesitate to collaborate become the new "villains" - "deviants" who provide fresh targets for the leader's anger. Those "identifying with the aggressor" support the leader in his or her destructive activities as a "rite of passage". They help deal with the leader's "enemies". The sharing of the guilt can be endlessly fed with new scapegoats, designated villains on whom the group exacts revenge whenever things go wrong. These scapegoats fulfill an important function: They become to others the external stabilisers of identity and inner control. They are a point of reference on which to project everything one is afraid of, everything perceived as bad.
This frightening scenario can have various outcomes - all negative. In extreme cases, it can lead to the self-destruction of the leader and the demise of the organisation. Before the "fall', however, there sometimes comes a point when the organisational participants recognise that the price for participating in the collusion is becoming too high. The endgame may include a palace revolution whereby the leader is overthrown when the cycle of abusive behaviour becomes unbearable. Followers may come to realise that they are next in line to be sacrificed on the insatiable altar of the leader's wrath. The attempt to remove the leader becomes a desperate effort to break the magic spell.”
Extract from "Encyclopaedia of Leadership, Vol 4"
by George R Goethals, Georgia Jones Sorenson and James MacGregor Burns.
It certainly answered my question - and scared the crap out of me too! That's why I think of myself as the lucky one. Cheers, hope it gives you something too.
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Aug/20/2009, 5:16 am
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octopusarms
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Re: What happens to the Golden Child
How the GC manages, depends on their personality and coping skills. I was the GC of my family, my older sister (she's six years older than me) being the Scapegoat. Since I was very resourceful, had good social skills and the only one in my family who never had angry outbursts (passive-aggressive), everyone assumed I was okay. My sister was very jealous of me, and would criticize and threaten me, which has done some damage on me. She always thought I was arrogant, selfish and spoiled, while I secretly felt ashamed for being the GC, and feared what she said might be true.
She sought help in high school, moved out early and formed a stable relationship in her late teens (they're still together and have a child). I however, did not realise I might have had a bad childhood until I was 23, after dealing with anxiety, depression and several physical symptoms for a few years. Even though I've accomplished a lot of great things in my life, I haven't had a single healthy relationship with a man (I'm 25), and I keep having these strange health problems. I sometimes think my sister's life is much easier than mine.
Being the GC is not worth much - the love my parents had for me was based on my accomplishments and my ability to cheer people up. I was treated a bit better, but it's not worth all the stress coming with the high expectations.
I also blamed my sister a lot as a kid (I don't blame her now, because I know she was only a kid herself), but I was a Scapegoat too. Everyone in the family would take a lot of their anger out on me, because I wouldn't fight back or because they figured I was strong enough to handle it (which couldn't have been farther from the truth). They would also live out their dreams and ambitions through me. And I barely took anything out on anyone in the house, especially not my younger brother. There's no excuse for treating your younger siblings badly, just like you, they didn't choose being born into the family.
The only thing you can do for your brother is giving him your love and understanding, and not let your view on him get clouded by jealousy issues. He's probably just coping in the best way he can. It's important that at least ONE person sees what's going on.
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Sep/29/2009, 3:22 pm
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Snkpack
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Re: What happens to the Golden Child
Hi Karma,
I'm pretty new to exploring my thoughts and feelings about being the child of a narcissist, but I'd imagine that you probably are still the scapegoat, just not around for your N to feed off of your pain.
I would imagine that your mother, like mine, probes your brother for any information on you and if he responds that you aren't doing well, I'm sure she's extremely gratified.
Will she eventually find a substitute to practice her emotional vampirism on now that you're no longer around? I'm sure she will, but I don't think her behavior towards your brother will change.
I'd be interested to hear if anyone knows whether or not the golden child has ever replaced the scapegoat after NC has been implemented.
In my case, I don't think it has. In the past, she used my sisters to try and provoke a reaction out of me. She's used my oldest sister to get information on me, but now that I'm not contact with everyone, I do wonder how that dynamic will change.
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Sep/30/2009, 4:31 pm
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