geisha123
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Please help need advice about N mother
Hi everyone. Firstly, my apologies for this post being long! I am one of 4 siblings (I am the only female) and we have an N mother. She has nearly completely destroyed all of us over the years, through our relationships with partners and husbands/wives and our own children. The list goes on really......
Anyway, to get to the current situation. My older brother age 44 (who is the oldest, I am the second oldest age 43) is suffering very badly at the hands of my N mother and has been unable to cut ties for various reasons. I just spent all afternoon talking with him for the first time in years, on our own at his place, and it was such a huge relief to say "well yes that has happened to me and so on". We got angry, we got hurt, we poured it all out with each other and it was good!!
He suffers with depression/anxiety and is on meds and valium (valium to block out N mother and just sleep) and he lives on his own and cannot hold down relationships. I have Bipolar II disorder and am ok with my meds they are helping alot. I have been married to a wonderful supportive and caring man for 20 years and we have 2 teenage children, a dd of nearly 16 and a son of 13 who has Autism.
My brother lived with a partner and had a daughter with her who is the same age, 15, as my dd. The partner had learning difficulties and consequently found it very hard to parent her dd. The strain on my brother was too much and he ended up leaving and making the worse mistake of his life by going to my mother's to live. When his dd was 11 she had a breakdown, came round to my N mother's and blurted out that her mother and boyfriend had been abusing her for several years. The police were called, child protection etc. she was self harming, hyperactive and very disturbed. Child protection interviewed the mother and boyfriend and found them guilty but my brother did not want to prosecute as he didnt want his dd to be dragged through the courts (but I think my mother had influenced him as well at this time)!
So my niece lives with N mother and brother and they all werent getting on at all, fights arguments all the strain was too much and N mother told him to leave and he got a flat. He wanted my niece to live with him but she refused as she was totally under the spell of my mother. N mother had been sexually abused by her own father when she was under 10 and so has been happy for my niece to continue to be a victim even 4 years down the line.
N mother has almost succeeded in turning my niece against her own father, calling him weak and all the names you can think of, belittling him in front of her, even holding a hot iron to him one day and threatening to burn him literally. He has been trying so hard to make my mum lighten up, she is always negative, thrives on problems. Then I get to hear about him in this terrible negative light and I too started to believe he would never get his dd back, never get her to respect him etc.
Now I do not know what to do and I am desperate for a way to help my brother and my niece. My father died aged 57, 10 yrs ago and was co-dependent on my mother and was a very ill man - he went through hell with her like we have. Frankly my niece should be out of there I am scared stiff for her she is not getting any better, in fact she has gone out of the frying pan and right into the fire!!
My brother says all he can do now is keep his distance but phone his dd as much as possible but its not enough. His dd wont live with him now and he says he just hopes and prays she will see sense and make amends with him when she is 18!! I told him to look up narcissism on the internet because there you will find our mother!!!
When my DH and I first knew she was going to live with my mother I was so upset and worried, we were going to get her to live with us. I just dont know what to do for the best - please help.
Thank you.
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Sep/6/2009, 3:19 pm
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Zeek55
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Registered: 02-2009
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Re: Please help need advice about N mother
Hi Geisha, It was painfull to read your post. You have endured more than your share of hardship. But endure you have, and you continue to deal with extreme difficulties in your life. Fortunately you have found a loving, understanding partner to help give you strength. Your brother is a grown man with problems of his own. He is correct in keeping his distance from N. mother. The two of you understand the severity of the mother's 'issues'. Keep the lines of communication open with him and be there for him. His daughter is too young to understand the complexity of the situation, and cannot be expected to know what's best for herself. In my opinion, as she matures, it will begin to dawn on her that something is seriously wrong with N. grandmother. At that point, hopefully, she will be able to recognize, and digest the truth. Can you honestly say that you (and your immediate family) are capable of handling the added stress of taking her into your home, with everything you currently have to deal with? You and your brother must strive to cultivate a trusting relationship with her. Let her know that she has family that cares about her and someone she can come to with her problems, because you can bet she is going to have them. She's going to need plenty of emotional support and shelter from the comming storm. There are many people in our lives that we are desperate to help. We would like to make the right choices for them. But all we can really do is listen with an open mind, offer our opinions and make informed, insightful suggestions. The rest is up to them. Lastly, give youself credit for serving as an example of strength and perserverance. You are living proof that it is possible to overcome even the most intolerable situations in life. Good luck.
Z.
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Sep/21/2009, 11:31 pm
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