Snkpack
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Suspect mom is N
This is all very new to me. I've always had issues with my mother, but being accustomed to her ways, I never really thought too much about exactly how screwed up our relationship is and always has been.
As I shared some of my story, an online acquaintance suggested I check out information about narcissistic personality disorder on halycon.com. I did and I was astounded. My mom has every symptom/trait. As she believes herself to be perfect, I'm sure I'll never know for certain whether or not a licensed psychologist would agree with me, but I'm convinced enough in my own right that my mom is an N. I mean, what are the odds that she would have EVERY trait and NOT be one?
For all intents and purposes, I don't even think it matters because we went no contact over a year ago. I have not spoken to her since then. In fact, I don't speak to my father either because he's not allowed to talk to me because (of course) to prove he loves her, he has to ignore me too.
I also don't speak to my younger sister. Not because of the falling out with my mom, but for other issues. She has a history of sleeping with everyone I've ever been involved with (even my ex-husband).
Now, apparently, I am not speaking to my older sister either because I'm "immature" and "stubborn" and I should "have a nice life" because she's "never going to call" again. In my defense, I merely asked her to stop calling me to tell me what my mom is saying about me. I don't want to talk about it and I'm upset that she only calls to relay these messages from my mother instead of just to say "hi" or out of any genuine interest in me or my life.
You guys probably know even more about NPD than I do, so you already know in advance without me even having to detail it what living with my mom must have been like. There's just no pleasing her. I am not allowed to have any opinions that don't agree with hers. I cannot disagree with her. I am always wrong. I am never good enough. She doesn't even listen to me when I speak. I'll say something and she just continues on with what she was saying as if I'd never even spoken. It's always about her.
Our final meltdown occurred about a year ago. I made what I thought was my final payment to her for paying for my divorce. I tallied it all up and at that time last year I had paid her $25,000. So I merely asked her how much else I owed her, thinking it was about $3,000 and that AT LAST, I'd be free and clear. She told me I owed her another $25,000. I was shocked. How on earth, did I jump from a figure of $27-$28K to owing her $50K? So I asked her for a list of what she felt I owed her for that amounted to $50K. She stalled and wouldn't give me a list. Finally she came up with a list, but it was all for stuff I had already paid her for (the $25K I'd already paid). So I told her that unless she could produce receipts totalling the $50K she felt I owed, that I wasn't going to pay her another dime. She threatened to sue me, told me that how dare I accuse her of lying, the law was on her side, yada yada yada. I firmly told her that I was not going to pay and that if she felt she needed to take me to court, she could. She has not spoken to me since and according to my older sister (as of our last conversation before she decided never to speak to me again), she refuses to speak to me until I apologize to her and pay the money.
So now, I have no family, other than my children and the great friendships I've managed to cultivate over the years.
I don't know why it bothers me so much. It certainly isn't about missing my mother or my family (although I do miss my dad, but he chose his side), but more so missing the idea of a close extended family that my children would be able to turn to when they need someone. I feel like they've been cheated of that.
I also know that having to cope with my mother and family for all these years has created some unpleasant habits in me as well. I am working so hard to understand and change those things about myself, but it's a long road and I catch myself falling into old behaviors. I don't want to be anything like my mother to my kids. It would break my heart if they ever viewed me the same way that I view her.
I keep feeling guilty because my mother keeps getting older and in some recess of my heart, I truly wish we could repair this before she dies because I feel like the guilt of her carrying this to her grave would be harder on me than just sucking it up and having a shallow relationship with her. Yet, I'm not willing to apologize nor pay her the $25K she swears I still owe her. And since that possibility is out, there is just no other way. No impassioned plea on my part would touch her icicle heart. I'd have to jump through a multitude of hoops before she would even consider it and I'm just too exhausted to even try. So in essence, I've given up because it's just too tiresome to go on.
My kids still see her but even that brings about ongoing difficulties that I wish I didn't have to cope with. I don't want to hurt my kids by taking away someone they've grown to love, but I can't help but feel like someday she's going to break them too.
I keep thinking about when everything went down, how my mom kept telling me how immature I was and how much I was hurting her and that I must not love her, but I don't think that I handled myself badly at all. Was it unfair for me to ask for proof? Who in their right mind pays $25K without knowing WTF they're paying for? It's so frustrating because I should know better than to expect more from her. I know she's emotionally retarded. I know she has the scruples of the most common thief, but for some reason I keep expecting her to learn some lesson about being a better person before she dies.
Every day of my life, I keep trying to be a better person and she just persistently continues to be her belligerant self, blaming society and everyone else for any bad thing that happens because it could never be a direct result of her behavior. No, it's NEVER her fault.
I don't even know what the point of this post is. I guess I just needed to share this with people who would truly understand, who would empathize with the feeling of helplessness and vulnerability that comes with dealing with an N parent.
I need to learn to let go, but I just keep thinking that she's my mother . . . I feel guilty.
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Sep/14/2009, 4:40 pm
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GoldWaterFlashing
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Registered: 05-2009
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Re: Suspect mom is N
Hi Snkpack,
Sorry to hear of all you've been through, you will find a lot of good help on this board. I come from an N controlled family and have been NC for a while now. I saw how my mother was used and abused her mother, my maternal grandmother. In fact, she was so difficult that by the time this N grandmother finally died, my mother was in her own grave not too long later. I really believe the stress of dealing with my grandmother's demands and emotional abuse contributed to my mother's early stroke. I also have two N sisters who routinely humiliated and shamed my mother too. My advice is to put yourself and your children first. These N types are poison and as much as I crave having a normal, loving family I have to accept that I don't have that. Staying away is the only way to survive these cruel, deceitful, toxic people.
BTW, don't let her try to steal money from you that you don't owe! It's better spent on your child's future. Even if you paid your mother the 25K to placate her, she would just find another way to make you feel you owe her something else. They are bottomless pits of hell, these types.
Try to save brave and strong!
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Sep/27/2009, 2:13 pm
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GoldWaterFlashing
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Re: Suspect mom is N
Meant to say "try to stay brave and strong!"
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Sep/27/2009, 2:14 pm
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Snkpack
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Re: Suspect mom is N
Thank you for the response.
I've been reading a lot about narcissism and I read the piece Ducky posted about narcisisstic mothers and was blown away.
I still have the used fruit plate she gave me two Christmases ago that she didn't want anymore.
I've been made to feel guilty my entire life for EVERYTHING and I still struggle with it, but I'm starting to realize that she did a lot to cause that shame and guilt.
I think this is a very positive step. I'm hoping it will help my self-esteem and confidence to realize that I was probably always good enough, but just wasn't ever allowed to believe that I was.
Thanks again. I appreciate the support.
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Sep/30/2009, 4:18 pm
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anewthingforme1
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Re: Suspect mom is N
The best thing I ever did was to go NC with my mother two years ago. I also had my children go NC with her.
While it has basically cut me off from my family for the two years, I now have one brother who has approaced me via Facebook. We are beginning to talk again.
Will I ever engage my N mother again? Probably not. The last two years have just been too peaceful.
You know who you are...or at least you are taking great strides to figure it out.
You are strong and you have friendships and children that love you.
No contact means no new hurts. Just a thought, but a really powerful one!
---
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow". Mary Anne Radmacher
http://bombshellblissnow.blogspot.com/
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Oct/6/2009, 2:16 am
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