Karmasoup
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Just wondering...
How many of us have gone NC w/ the N parent, and how has it been going?
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Sep/24/2009, 5:27 pm
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Snkpack
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Re: Just wondering...
I have gone no contact with my entire family, but am still allowing my two children to correspond. I have been no contact with my younger sister for about 5-6 years now. I've been no contact with my father and mother for about 1 and no contact with my oldest sister for a little less than a month.
If I'm honest with myself, my life has been much easier in many ways, but I am still working through feelings of guilt. I think this has more to do with my feeling that not speaking to family is a dishonorable thing, but logically I still do realize that this is the most healthy thing for me.
I still intend to send birthday gifts and Christmas gifts to my nephew and niece and am hoping they'll be accepted, but kinda suspecting they won't be.
I'm still incredibly saddened that it has to be this way, but I suffer no doubt that it DOES have to be this way. If contact was re-initiated at this point, I honestly feel I would have a nervous breakdown. It's just less stressful and better for my self-esteem to not be around all the negativity.
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Sep/30/2009, 4:23 pm
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anewthingforme1
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Re: Just wondering...
Completely NC for almost two years.
My children are also NC.
Calmest, most pleasant two years of my FOO history.
---
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow". Mary Anne Radmacher
http://bombshellblissnow.blogspot.com/
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Oct/6/2009, 2:17 am
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Freed Spirit
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Re: Just wondering...
First time it was a year. (I was a teen)
Second time I stayed NC for 15 years.
Then let NM back in after she was given my phone number by a cousin, NM phoned crying.
They don't change.
This time NC about 8years, and it's for EVER.
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Oct/9/2009, 8:12 am
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spaceflower
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Re: Just wondering...
Haven't contacted or been contacted by NF for about 8 months.
I never said to him I don't want to contact him anymore. I just was cold and indifferent with him on the phone when he called me. I came to the conclusion that's the only way I can relate to him. There was no way I wanted to put anymore fruitless effort in connecting to him in a way that is healthy for me. I haven't heard from him since. I haven't experienced the hoovering phenomenon that many of you do. The way I look at that fact he hasn't tried to contact me at all is that he's doing me a favor. Amazing how a N can just let things go like that.
being in contact and knowing his lifestyle only can make me angry, since there's no way he likes to be questioned about his choices in r/s.
How has it been going? I'm more at peace, and don't feel as much anger. I understand he is ill and won't change.
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Oct/19/2009, 10:04 am
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spaceflower
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Re: Just wondering...
This is a post script to my last post. I just received a greeting card in the mail from NF. No personal message. I think that's how he is most comfortable communicating. How do I feel? It makes me feel the mixed feelings of not knowing how to feel. I never heard what's going on in his life, (only what he wanted me to know) there is a lack of communication. I just wish he wouldn't send anything. I wonder if he just wants to blank out how I feel and try to stay in touch this way.
Folks, I don't want to wonder. I'm tired of wondering, analyzing him. I just don't want to have any contact. My husband tells me I should send a letter saying to totally not contact me unless he wants to communicate about how I feel. I think the best route is to just ignore the cards.
What do you think? Thank you.
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Oct/23/2009, 8:38 am
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mariemarie
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Re: Just wondering...
Hi spaceflower.
Good luck with your decision. Personally, I like the lack of communication with Ndad. Otherwise I feel like the life is being sucked out of me.
I keep limited contact with Ndad. Recently I tried opening up communication, but it only brought pain. Last year he sent me a birthday card in which he wrote how wonderful it was for him to remember when I was a little child. Made me cry - how come he gets to have wonderful memories of him and me in my childhood while I have none? Thanksfully this year no card. But he called and I braced myself and called back after he left a voice mail. It's miserable talking to him. Makes me feel bad just hearing his voice, because I can't separate it from how it made me feel as a child. I recently had to block emails when his nasty wife (of 30 years) put some cutting covert remarks in an email sent to all family members. They share an email address, so anything I share w/ him is fair game for her, and she's nosy and nasty. So no more sharing.
As far as DH's advice to you. Depends, I think on whether you want your NF to talk to you about your feelings. If you do, then yes, write the letter. But if he's an N, don't expect him to give you anything, untless he's manipulating you into giving him what he wants.
I can't really relate to your dilemma about the letter, because asking my Ndad to talk to me about my feelings would feel too much like asking someone to tie me to stakes naked in the hot desert sun beside an anthill! Sorry if that's too graphic. But I just don't want to know what is, or more likely, what isn't in Ndad's head in regard to my feelings. I've never heard an apology from him for anything, unless it's preceding him telling me how he is right and I am wrong - and stupid (I have an advanced degree earned with a total contribution of about $900 from him, and he never finished college despite having all the money he needed from his parents to pay for it.)
I've been doing the cold shoulder thing you described with Ndad on and off for over 35 years. Every once in a while I'll let me guard down and get slapped emotionally again. I don't plan to ever let my guard down again. Neither do I plan to give him the satisfaction of knowing I think it's worth writing him a letter telling him what I want. Because he would just withhold whatever I ask for, just to show me he's got power. At least that's what he's done in the past. I refuse to give him any power over me any more. He used it all up in the first 15 years of my life before I wised up and decided not to let him have it any more.
I'd rather not get cards and crappy xmas presents from Ndad either, but I just don't think it's worth telling him that. The crappy gifts don't make me cry anymore - now that I have stopped expecting him to try to please me in any way. It's easier just living 1,000 miles away and sending birthday, fathers' day (hard to find an appropriate card, but they are out there), and Xmas cards and leave it at that. He did put a roof over my head and feed me til I was 18, and I don't mind acknowledging that with 3 cards a year.
I'm not taking care of him if he's sick, but I'll go to his funeral out of respect for my siblings who tolerate him better than I do.
Everyone's situation is different. If you think NF may open up with you like you want him to, it's worth a try to at least get closure, and at most to have a tolerable r/s.
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Oct/23/2009, 3:37 pm
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spaceflower
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Re: Just wondering...
Mariemarie,
Your situation and mine are so alike. He sends flowery cards recently, but until just a couple of years ago, he sent Snoopy cards to me. I liked Snoopy about oh, 40 years ago. But it's that child relationship that an N parent wants to keep alive. They want to remember us as "adoring" and under control children. He liked to reminisce about what a good little girl I was. *Auuuugh!* (quote Charlie Brown) Um, now, I'm a good adult, fella.
I agree that talking to NF is not going to open up things. Trying to put things into our terms will just open us up to awkward silent treatments and sarcasm from our NF's. And don't get me started about the women in his life. Needy, and having a man in their life is the #1 thing. I'm sorry you have to deal with nasty emails from the female (wife).
I just need to look at the cards as his way of keeping touch. If that is all he is going to do, I can learn to deal. But, any sign of him triggers discomfort.
Thanks for sharing what your situation is with your dad. It sounds like we're on the same track to take care of ourselves as best as possible. I don't feel alone.
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Oct/23/2009, 10:55 pm
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spaceflower
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Re: Just wondering...
Another follow up with NC with NF. I received a birthday card from him with a check in it to buy a present.
I hadn't heard from him since March, and I thought that he had gotten the message that I didn't want to talk to him. I was very cold and distant when I talked to him. Before that I let it all out (raged) when he asked me a favor to do something on the computer for him. I let him know that I wasn't going to do any favors for him, since he never has helped me when I asked him for a favor. My outburst was a buildup of many years of being subtly blown off by him.
He's called and left messages to wish me a happy birthday. I hate just sitting there and avoiding him.I don't want to do this to anyone. But I know there's no getting through to him. Even though I raged at him months ago, he just pretended it didn't happen.
I don't want to pick up the phone and talk to him. I don't want to avoid him. I don't want to send him a card. He makes me so angry. He's not mean to me or putting on any guilt trips. He's just keeping in touch. He's doing what he feels comfortable with. And there's nothing bad about what he's doing. But I don't want it. This is what is gut wrenching. I can't talk with him.
I read other's stories here and know that my situation is not any way near as abusive as many. So I struggle with the thought I should suck it up and just acknowledge him.
Thanks for reading.
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Nov/5/2009, 8:10 am
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