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Nomore24
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Re: Christmas with N daughter?
I just joined, and am not too proficient. Reading your post was like someone was reading my mail.
My N daughter is now 37 and has done this behavior and worse and I have suffered her abuse for over 20 years. Added to the continuing pain she inflicts is the realization that I MUST forgive myself and remember that I had a different agenda entirely - different completely than hers.
Don't let this happen to you. Run, run, run away from her. As one of my favorite AAs says "those folks are living rent-free in your head
My answer? I am 'foreclosing' to use current terms.
Look forward to corresponding with you and other parents who are suffering at the hands of these children of ours who are not deep enough or care enough or even KNOW how to respect or be grateful, to ANYONE much less the person who brought her into this world..
I am blessed with 2 other daughters who I would choose for my best friends forever if that were protocol.
Don't forget you have people who do love you and who treat you correctly and with love. Don't lose yourself to someone who doesn't even have a shred of good thinking.
Probably have said too much, but it felt really good
Nomore24
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Feb/19/2009, 11:03 pm
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femfree
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Re: Christmas with N daughter?
Great message NoMore24. We have to come to a point where we no longer are willing to put up with any abusive behaviour and because of the Ns natureand their fiercely ingrained characteristic of psychological defence mechanisms they would rather cut off contact with their families and loved ones rather than change their behaviour.
It's so sad, but we cannot give up our lives.
I have an N/Borderline Bi-Polar neice. I have watched as she has ruined her own life time and time again. She is in her 40s and always finding some new 12-Step program that ends up in failure. Her parents (mother deceased now) has time and again come to the point of hope and caring to anguish and despair in a cyclical pattern.
Her brother and father dread anything more than Christmas dinner contact and she has a husband who sticks with her and she ruins all aspects of life with him. No Children thank God.
A counsellor told her parents long ago to let her suffer the consequences of her behaviour and to quit bailing her out financially.
Her life is one of numerous jobs, quitting, getting fired, drugs, brushes with the law, always pushing the envelope which leads to disasterous consequences not only for her, but others. She is the bright, laughing party girl that people are attracted to and then she does something crazy and they turn away from her. It's her life pattern.
I stay away from her.
Hugs
femfree
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Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
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Feb/20/2009, 7:27 am
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midnight dasher
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Re: Christmas with N daughter?
Hello my wonderful friends, It may look as if I've dropped all boundaries by deleting my posts, I've save them meticulously in
Microsoft Word for reference. At this point in time, I feel that my public posts could be damsging if DD was to read every detail.
She is my computer wizard and used my screen name from here to set up other accounts. I don't know how she knows this sreen name but since ehe was helping me set up an avatar on this general site, and alrerady knew my screen name, I feel I have lost my anonymity in posting freely. As we all know, e mails can be powerful and misinterpreted, especaialy when read by the audience not intended to read such.
Our visit last night went very well. These issues pointed out here may be my personal way of venting and getting advice, but could cause more damamge than good. I continue to work on our FOO work, live and in person with my children, and have not given up on our path to progress, by any extent.
Please forgive me for looking like a chicken who just bolted out of here! I will stay close here, but may use a new screen name in the future. I really do want to thank all of you for your support and participating in the longest thread I haver ever originated on these boards. In the mean time, I would be happy ro respond to pms regarding these and related issues. Love and hugs to all you great Moms who have stood by each other here.
Last edited by midnight dasher, Mar/18/2009, 4:40 am
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"Today is the first day of the rest of your life"
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Mar/18/2009, 4:30 am
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maria12
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Re: Christmas with N daughter?
At risk of sounding ungrateful I am going to talk about the gifts I get from my Ndaughter. I always accept them with grace as I half expect she wants me to say something to sleight her and give her a reason to rage.
They are the complete opposite of what it suitable for me. I have severe chemical allergies and scented toiletries and perfumes are banned from the house, and she is well aware of it yet always buys smellies. I know she goes to a lot of trouble selecting suitable presents for others so it's just me who is getting this treatment.
In company she behaves impeccably but I cannot trust her, and have even been scared of her. In the last weeks she appeares to be trying to want to build bridges, making plans to meet with her daughter. There is always the chance she will change plans at the last minute.
For Christmas I had a box of very expensive soaps. I got an allergy reaction as soon as I opened the box. Do I remind her of the no smellies rule? There's no point telling her what I would really like (she can afford it) as she has always ignored wish lists. It would be nice to have a daughter helping out in these credit crunched times. I'm a pensioner and the money no longer stretches as far as it used to.
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Mar/31/2009, 5:35 pm
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mariemarie
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Re: Christmas with N daughter?
Maria,
Last edited by mariemarie, May/7/2009, 12:07 pm
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Apr/2/2009, 8:40 am
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maria12
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Re: Christmas with N daughter?
My ND has my little grandaughter and I resumed contact with her last September. We live 250 miles apart so see each other on high days and holidays, for a few hours. She has not stayed at my home yet.
Her past behaviour was bizarre which left me very traumatised. Nice one minute then without warning there would be change of plans causing huge upsets which she revelled in. Then if she is challenged there are horrible rages that spew incredible lies and go on forever.
Once she booked a holiday in France for both of us. I got ready,keeping in touch with progress by text and phone, until a couple of hours before leaving she announced we were not going. No reason given, just she was making other plans. There are many examples of heartless actions like that.
She needed me to help her in the months her baby was small and I could sense she was making an effort to behave. But even then there was "twisting of the truth" which I had to ignore.
She is in a highly paid career and while I don't ask her for anything, I was noticing her birthday and Christmas gifts wre very different to those given to me by her two brothers and their partners. They went to trouble to choose something they knew I liked (I'm not fussy) while daughter would choose gifts that would be of no use to me at all. It's as if she dares me to complain but of course I don't, as that would set her off on a rage.
My counsellor tells me I should talk to my daughter about this, remind her that for the last 15 years any gifts of smellies are still not suitable as my allergies remain. I don't think it would make a difference and would only give her satisfaction that she has pushed my boundary again.
I'm always looking out for suitable gifts for the family and she knows I go to great trouble to please.
As with all N this is only a small part of the whole mess they make of our lives.
A part of me wants to try and make her the nice person should have been, and another says she will never change, and possibly get worse like her father. There is the little grandaughter. I am a child of N parents, was married to a psychopath and fear for the future of this child.
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Apr/4/2009, 5:53 pm
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mariemarie
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Re: Christmas with N daughter?
Maria -
Last edited by mariemarie, May/7/2009, 12:08 pm
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Apr/7/2009, 3:12 pm
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midnight dasher
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Re: Christmas with N daughter?
As you know, she's taking a full load of courses as college freshman and I'm not pushing the job thing anymore. She'll be finished in May and plans to go to her father's for the summer. She's out of food points at the school dorm so I bought her groceries a few days ago. This visit went pretty smooth although it seemed like everything her sister got or needed, she needed too. Sister was just finishing an icecream cone when we picked he up. Well she needed one too. We were shopping for running shoes (softball), and swim suits (little sis has outgrown them). It seemed like a competition, or just, if you're buying this, I need one too.
Then, she asked if we could do something together during her summer vacation, just the two of us. I said that would be wonderful. She really does want to gain closeness! The messages I've received over the past few days are beginning to sound like she's expecting a cruise or exotic resort time together.
This is because I only took little sis on cruise at Christmas. This was my mental health break and I didn't want it screwed up with drama, put downs and head games. Also, I had purchased her a ticket to a tropical island a year ago last Chritmas, and last minute, she refused to come and went to her Dad's instead, so I took the loss of $ onthat ticket. I'm beginning to think she expects me to owe her a vacation for not being invited last Christmas.
I did set a boundary with her hang up calls. I could have just cut her right off paying her track phone bill, but I warned her that she would lose her phone payment for a month if she ever hangs up on me again.
This summer, as in last Christmas (month off from school) and last summer, she intends to get a job in her Dad's city to save up for next fall's tuition. She plans to move out of the dorm and rent a house with friends in the fall whe she starts school again. I told her she is free to do as she wishes this summer, but will be on her own with bills and last minute house hunting next fall in this low vacancy small college town. So right now, she is planning a fun summer, returning before school, renting a house in this tiny college town, and going on an exotic vacation with me. This seems pretty far removed from the reality of her situation to me. I'm going to step back and let her make her own decisions and mistakes. But when her school semester finishes, no more hand outs from me.
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"Today is the first day of the rest of your life"
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Apr/9/2009, 10:20 am
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Maiafree
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 Re: Christmas with N daughter?
This website is an absolute revelation to me. My daughter, Deborah, now almost 45, doesnt live with me, thank God! For about 28 to 30 years, since she hit her teens, she has caused unbelievable heartache, mayhem, destruction, and despair. She was, at 15, top in every subject at school, and her dad Peter, and I ,had great hopes for her. At 16, she was desperate to join a Punk group in her school, and they would only admit her as a punk if she stopped studying. She stopped overnight,all her grades fell, then she dropped out of school, and ran away from home.
Peter and I were beside ourselves with worry. He started drinking again after 10 years of sobriety, {he is an alcoholic.} Within the space of3 years, he had lost his job, we lost our home eventually, he beat me up, and I left him and my 2 daughters in 1982. In 1981, peter and I went away for a week by ourselves, to try to save our marrigae. We came back to a vandalised house, my Art studio was wrecked, my paintings and art books destroyed, all our furniture smashed.
Deborah had invited these strange guys to our home, and they were the ones who wrecked it.
After I divorced peter, I met and married David, my darling husband, now 76.{I am 70 now.}We have literally turned ourselves inside out to please my two daughters, my second daughter, Claire, is also a Narcissist, she is 43, and I havent seen her for 16 and a half years. She has three kids, whom Ive never once seen. I have pleaded with her by letter, sent flowers, cards, etc, but she wont relent. David and I dont even know what we are supposed to have done. Deb only ever rings me up if she needs something, usually money. Over the last 25 years, she has bled me dry. Ive given her literally around A$10,000 , and she has conned me, lied to me, screamed abuse at me, nothing is ever her fault! The worst thing by far she has done was to bar me from her wedding to Kevin in1994.She sent david an invitation, but told me not to come, even though we sent $500 to my ex husband to help pay for the wedding, as he was footing the bill. David and I set her up in a nice little bed-sitter in 1984, she left it, owing 3 weeks rent, and it was filthy,rotting food in the fridge, etc. We had to clean it out, and pay the back rent.
Before I met david, she beged me to let her stay in my tiny rented flat for a week,{Id been offered a free holiday}. hen I got back, my cat was starving, my goldfish had died,the pace was filthy,shed cut up 2 new T shirts,
and my bed was full of dirt and sand. I could go on a n on, she has never once apologised for all the rotten mean, hurtful things she has done to me, and wont even acknowledge them.
I am always made to feel everything is my fault, and that I owe her. I gave her A$7,000 last Xmas, as she was owing over A$30,000 in credit debt, and she was crying on the phone that Amex range her work constantly. Then she crashed hercar, {shed let the insurance lapse.} She and Kev have now been separated for 3 years, and he is glad to be rid of her.
He told me she was th emotionally coldest person hed ever met in his life. The 3 kids, Holly,14, Finbar,11, and Mary, 8, live week about with Kev and Deb.I have to say he is much the better parent and gives them boundaries as well as lots of hugs and affection. I have been , up to recently, sending her Woolworths food cards each fortnight, at A$50 to $100 value, as she is always pleading poverty. A month ago, she rang again intears, to say shd lost her job. I sent her my last$300 , plus a new black winter coat for her, as she said she didnt have one. Our accountant has told me I cant do this any more, david and I are pensioners, and we need our money for ourselves. Ive never had as much as a Birthday or Mothers day card for years and years, all I get from her is worry. I know I need to be strong and not give in again, I know she is totaly selfish, and only regards me as a cash cow!
I love her as my daughter, but I dislike her intensely. I need help, the books Im reading on emotional blackmail and Narcissism ARE helping me. Im a little frightened of her rages on the phone, she always seems to try to make me the bad guy! Sorry this is so long, its a devastating problem, I fear for her. Maia free.
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May/26/2009, 9:02 pm
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Maiafree
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Re: Christmas with N daughter?
Dear Midnight dasher,
You are so lucky to even get a real, proper present from your N daughter! For the last 24 years or so, all Ive ever got from her were freebies, ie, items such as books shed been given free, {she worked then in Publishing} Last year, we each got a book about crocodiles,{David}, and Koalas,{me!} Some years, the remaindered sticker was still on them. Or Id get thing shed been given, hastily re-wrapped in 2nd hand wrapping paper.
I always give her lovely gifts, last Xmas I gave her a necklace of imitation black pearls,
{the real ones cost thousands}. It was reduced from A$400 to A$200- and she loved it, thankfully.!
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May/26/2009, 9:12 pm
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