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midnight dasher
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Registered: 11-2008
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Re: Christmas with N daughter?
Maia: I live on the Narcissistic Survivor general site where most of the action is. I haven't checked in for a while. I am a surivivor of an xNP abvusaer guy and then dealing with N daughter. My 15 year old daughter and I live in gentle peace and harmony out in the wilderness without the 2 crazy making personality disordered family members from a couople of years ago.
I read your story of grand daughter and it makes me so sad. I'm working hard to set up boundaries and stop being just a bank account. That would be my advice for you too. Keep up letters but stop rescuing her form credit card fixes. The tale of her trashing your small rental is sickening. The professionals would tell you to stop all enabling with the money and let her deal with the reality of the life she has created for herself.
My ND needed $900. to get her first apt. with 2 student girl friends, this past week. She has found 2 part time summer jobs and I'm am proud of her. I wrote a note for her loan and had it notarized, then gave her a certified check payable when she receives trust money for next years housing and tuition for college. She raged and refused for 2 weeks, told me to start acting like a mother, furious I would not just give her 50% as a gift, and that I did this legally. (She tried to rip me off last summer for $2,000. in housing and tuition fees, I put on my credit card before her tuition/housing check arrived.
My friends told me she didn't deserve a dime. She is 19. I am happy to provide this loan so she can make a start. She is in school and is working. I am grateful she is gaining independence. A year and a half ago I had locked myself in my room to escape her abuase. She came in through my bedroom window and threw a silver candle holder at my head, narrowly missing. We are makingf gains!
She is abusive mostly when I am near her, yet she calls me all the time...like 20 times a day and gets freaked out whenI don't always pick up.
This is borderline persoanlity disorder. I get it. I love her. I will support helping her achieve independence and schooling success. Every little gain is a miracle from the past. I don't have high hopes either.
I am learning to set stronger boundaries, knowing the rage that will erupt every time I don't agree with her next request. But she knows I love her and am there for her. The sooner I can stop allowing her to take advantage of me, to get out of her way in using me as the target for all her frustrations with life, the more I let her deal with natural consequences as all 19 year olds must eventually do, the more I am allowing her to find her own maturity. I need to place my self first, and work hard to protect myself, yet still be there for her. She is extremely selfish. She also suffers a severe anxiety disorder and I can't really imagine what she feels. She needs me as her mother though...at a distance.
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"Today is the first day of the rest of your life"
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Jun/20/2009, 11:54 am
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Maiafree
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Registered: 05-2009
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Re: Christmas with N daughter?
Dear Midnightdasher,
Thank you so much for your helpful post!Its amazing how the universe gives us exactly what we nead and want, when we are really listening! As well as this terific website, I found a very helpful one called LoveFraud, dont know if you know it? The ladies [and one or two guys] on it, ar so helpful, understanding and compassionate, as they have all been there, either with an N or S partner, or adult child, as my problem is.{Its my daughter Debbie, now 45 in 2 weeks, not my grand daughter}. Anyway, buouyed up by the help and wise council of these people,I sent my daughter a letter with boundaries and ultimatums in it. Took a lot of courage on my part, as I fear not seeing my grandkids again if she has afit and wont comply, but like you, I am sick and tired of being used as acash cow, and totally ignored the rest of the time. {If you join Lovefraud, you may want to look at my blogs, I am geminigirl.}
Im on the latest blog, re forgiving and forgetting ,how to get your life back.Just type in Lovefraud, choose a password, and look under latest posts for June. If youd like to email me, my email is
maiandave@eznet.com.au
Thanks again, and looking forwrd to hearing from you again! Love,Maia{scotslass on this website}
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Jun/20/2009, 9:10 pm
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