LillyAngel
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Help for when you have to live with them...
My N son has just returned home after running away and staying with a friend for a month.
He told lies about my partner to the Guards{police}here saying my partner had hit him.
He also stole a playstation,which I know we won't see again.
He came home basically because it was a choice between that and a homeless hostel{where the ppl would have been older,drug addicts etc}
I wish I could tell you how it made me feel for this young adult,who has put us thru hell,to now act as though NOTHING HAPPENED.
He was chatting away to me on the way home,as if he hadn't stolen from us,run away,lied to the guards about my partner and made our lives a complete misery for the last month.
One of the first things he said to me was:
"It's my birthday in two days.I'm gonna be 16"
No remorse.No I'm sorry for what I did..ok,I didn't expect it but to see the complete lack of empathy in action has left me reeling..and I'm experienced with N's ..but jeez this is something else...
My partner and I haven't bothered lecturing him about the hell he's put us through..we both know there isn't any point.
But I am starting to wonder if I'm handling this right..as from past experience I know that once an abuser thinks he's "got away with it"..the abuse escalates..
I know I'm vulnerable right now..God knows I feel as if I've been run over by a truck and that truck has reversed and mowed me down a second time for good measure..I'm in shock at what he's done and the way he's behaving..as if nothings happened..
What I need is some help and advice because I know he is capable of taking me for everything I've got otherwise,I don't just mean financially but emotionally as well..
I need to put some boundaries in place before he walks all over me and my partner again...
Please Help
Hugs
Lillyx
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Feb/17/2009, 10:07 am
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topaz123
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Re: Help for when you have to live with them...
Hi lilly. They really take the biscuit, don't they?
Why should he show any remorse...even if he could, he wouldn't cos as far as he is concerened, he didn't do anything wrong.and, they never say sorry and mean it anyway.
We had similar stuff when my daughter was aged 14 to 16. The last months leading to her actually turning 16 were a nightmare...I totally distanced myself from her, didn't ask any questions cos that only invited lies...didn't respond to any questions cos that gave her supply.If she asked me for anything, I declined. NC within the confines of my home.and it was so hard but I felt neccessary.
I noticed her wearing extra layers of clothes in the middle of summer so I knew she was getting ready to run.
She eventually ran..I didn't chase after her, didn't even ring her mobile.....ignored her..what she wanted was for me to call the police and have her searched for all over the country. She was 16, was no longer a legal requirement.
On a pratical note, I removed anything that I thought she may steal and made sure my purse, Hs wallet or anything else was with me or safely locked away.
I didn't know why she was doing this but had got to the end of my tether with her.
Plenty people asked me why did I do nothing etc to go and find her.reason: I was glad she had gone..and, I knew she wanted the attention and the thrill of being chased...would have been fantastic for her if it had been announced on TV, or when the police finally caught up with her she told them she was safe but not coming home.so, I wouldn't give it to her..wouldn't give her the satisfaction of giving me a slap in the face.
My mistake here.I let her back when she rang 4 months later wanting to come home.
Hugs for you today, you sound so down.and rightly so. Sorry, don't think there will be a happy ever after ending here for you either..
what will you do next time he runs?
Every time I backed down where P kid was concerned, the next stage was always far worse.......I wondereed just where it would end.....the next time she ran, that was it....now there is no going back with her at all but we are total NC with her.......I miss who I thought she was, what could be...but I don't miss the reality of what she is.
I turned my back on my own child..it was the only option left to me.
Other people don't understand til they walk in our shoes.
good luck.
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Feb/17/2009, 10:33 am
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mariemarie
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Re: Help for when you have to live with them...
Lillyangel,
Last edited by mariemarie, May/7/2009, 12:12 pm
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Feb/17/2009, 11:25 am
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LillyAngel
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Re: Help for when you have to live with them...
Thankyou both for your replies.
What I'm really looking for is some help to put some boundaries in place.
Before this happened I had got to the point where I was strong enough to say "No" to him on a regular basis,or if he was pressuring me{which he does regularly,I would say..
"Go and ask T"{my partner}
Nine times out of ten,he won't ask my partner for anything,if he knows he's pushing his luck as my partner has no problem saying No to him
In other words,the boundaries were all in place and he couldn't play us off against one another...
I think thats part of the reason he ran away,as he knew we both had him sussed and he was finder it harder to get his own way.
He seemed to realise that we both knew what his game was,and thats why he tried to move on to another family,that didn't know.
After his lastest trick my self confidence seems to have shattered.
I need help in ways to deter him when he is pushing for something I don't want to say Yes to..he is the sort of kid who will go on and ON in order to get what he wants...
If any of you here have anything along these lines that might help me,I'd appreciate it.
I just don't trust myself to be strong and stand up for myself right now.
Hugs
Lillyx
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Feb/17/2009, 5:09 pm
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mariemarie
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Re: Help for when you have to live with them...
quote:
After his lastest trick my self confidence seems to have shattered.
quote:
I just don't trust myself to be strong and stand up for myself right now.
Lilly,
The thing is - you just can't take son's actions personally. Know what I mean? As you've said, he would be doing this to anyone - it doesn't matter who it is. It's not because of YOU. That's what you've got to hang on to. If you take it personally, and see yourself to blame even one little bit for HIS actions, he's got you feeling guilty (right?), which puts you right in the frame of mind he wants you in, so he can exploit you all the more.
The way I've gotten through rough patches with my Ndaughter is to yes, feel the emotions (it hurts so much when your own child hurts us), but separate the emotions from my actions. As far as she's concerned, I'm a MACHINE that has the same reactions every time. Eventually, they'll get tired of trying for a new reaction and move on to a new target. After trying to wear us down. If they find a chink in our armor, we have to start all over again.
Lilly, you are still the same strong woman you have been in the past. Son's actions can't change you. Only you can change your reactions.
And really, in the end, we have no one to trust BUT ourselves, so we can't afford to give up that self-trust and self-reliance! Who would we want to give it to?
It sounds like you are really feeling down about yourself today - I forget whether you are able to get counseling for yourself, but if you are, I think it might really help you get through this rough patch. Wish we could meet for a coffee! I hope things get better for you as the day goes along today. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts, with a "stay strong" mantra.
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Feb/18/2009, 8:36 am
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LillyAngel
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Re: Help for when you have to live with them...
Thankyou Marie..
The thing is,I KNOW you're right.
I can't take his actions personally and normally I don't.
In fact it was one of the first things I said to my partner in order for him to handle the way my NS is..don't take it personally,he would do this to anyone,it's not you.
My partner said that helped him ALOT.
But this latest "trick" FEELS personal,you know..
I mean saying my partner hit him when he never laid a hand on him,yet NS' real father,who is also NPD beat the living daylights out of him for years and he never said a WORD to anyone about it....
and the stealing..not just any old piece of equipment but a computer belonging to my partner..
I understand totally what you are saying and I know you're right..it's just really difficult in these circumstances.
Living here atm is like living in a bloody prison,we have locks on all the doors and I have to literally sneak out..b'cause if NS knows I'm going into town..that means I'm spending money and we know how they love to scam us all don't we,especially when we're down..you know Marie I seriously contemplated climbing out of the downstairs window yesterday..just so I could go out without him knowing..lol..jeez,I need help...
I feel a bit better today.
I'm down but I'm not out yet..and your reply helped ALOT...
Can I just ask,is your daughter NPD or is it something different,as I wasn't sure by your posts??
Thankyou again Marie,for your sound advice..
{{{Hugs}}}
Lillyxxxxx
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Feb/19/2009, 5:28 am
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LillyAngel
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Re: Help for when you have to live with them...
Lillyangel,
Your situation sounds so surreal.
It IS Marie lol..you know I said to my partner yesterday before I even read the forum here..
"It's like living in the Twilight Zone"lol
xoxo
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Feb/19/2009, 5:33 am
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mariemarie
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Re: Help for when you have to live with them...
Last edited by mariemarie, Feb/19/2009, 11:31 am
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Feb/19/2009, 8:33 am
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Maiafree
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Re: Help for when you have to live with them...
Hi, First of all, good luck ,-Ive been there too! My daughter, Debbie, had great grades at High school, straight "A s in every subject, when she was 15. At 16, she was desperate to bea punk, the punk group wouldnt admit her unless she stopped studying. It was heart breaking for my ex husband and myself. Then she left school, and ran away from home. The police refused to help me find her! 6 months later, this lady rang me up to say,"I think I have your daughter here" . Deb had turned up at this ladies house one evening, in the pouring rain, with a green rubbish bag of clothes in each hand told her she was destitute and homeless! At the time, Deb had her own little flat under the house, we recarpeted for her,it hada shower, and a small kitchen. her Dad even promised her a small allowance if shed go back to High school.This lady hadnt taken any rent from Deb, as her solicitor had advised her not to in case it looked like a tenancy agreement.
I rang my ex husband at his work, and he went to pick up my daughter. She stood on the doorstep, a battered suitcase in her hand, hair dyed jet black,white make up, scowling at me. I was desperate to give her a hug,{she has never allowed me to hug her,so I didnt.}
She said,"Theres not much point in me unpacking my case, as Ill be leaving again soon." OK, darling! I said, Whatever you think best. She came upstairs again soon,"Claire says youve given my flat to her, is that true?" I said, "Yes, youd left, she wanted it, and I said she could have it."
So, she had to have Claires old room, and Claire had stripped it bare, even the mattress was taken off the bed and dragged downstairs, so that Claires friend, Elise, could stay the night. Deb said, :I dont even have a mattress Mum!' :Well, I said, Youll have to go and ask Elise if you can go top and tail with her tonight, wont you?" It was all bluff on my part, but I was furious, she had put us through 6 months of worry,told so many lies, and to this day, 27 years latwr, has never once apologised for this or any other worse incidents. She stayed a year, then ran away again to live in a squalid squat with her punk friends. Now at 45, she fancies she is a Yuppy, she is a total phoney, and uses everyone, she only ever calls me when she needs money.!
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May/26/2009, 10:08 pm
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Maiafree
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Re: Help for when you have to live with them...
Hi, Topaze, I really feel for you, been there.
After my daughter, debbie ran away from home at 16, [she had her own nice flat under the house!} I tried to get the police to find her. Would you believe it? they told me that unless she was a drug addict, a prostitute, or insane, she was free to do what she wanted!
I couldnt believe it. She was gone 6 months, turned up on Xmas day, ate lunch, pocketed her presents, and took off again.This time I let her go. She came home for a year, her dad and I split up, {largely her fault, I may add, he started drinking again after 10 years of sobriety, as he was so upset and disappointed re Deb.}
Then, in 1984, when I remarried, my husband David and I were just back from our Honeymoon
in Bali, when Deb rang us to say she was homeless, and could she come and live with us for a while? I dreaded this, but my kind husband,{who didnt know her too well at that point,} said, :"Of course, dear>" Well, she dam near split us up in 6 months! She ran me down to David and she ran David down to me. She tried playing cruel mind games on us. She got into davids drink cabinet if we went out.Finally, we found a very nice little bedsit just down the road from our place, we took her to see it, she said she loved it. We paid the first 3 weeks rent on it, DDavid gave her a bed, bedding, a chair, a rug, curtains,we filled the fridge and the cupboards with food. We moved her in. We didnt see her for a couple of months, so we figured she must be OK, and happy. Then, we got a call from the old lady who was the landlady. Deb had done a runner, owing 3 weeks rent. We went over, no sign of Deb. The place was filthy, food rotting in the fridge, a raw, fly blown leg of lamb on the worktop, a half empty demijohn of wine on the table, the bed unmade, filthy, and full of sand. We cleaned it up, took back all the stuff david had so kindly given to her, paid the back rent. Still, no word from Deb. Then, a phone call from my other daughter, Claire,to say Deb was with her, and how could we be so callous and heartless as to leave her in that awful bedsit? She was unhappy and lonely, and it was our Fault, apparently!I hope and pray she never, ever, asks to stay with us again. David has shown her nothing but kindness, and she has repayed us both with lies, dirty tricks,stealing con tricks, and more worry thn Id believe possible. and still is, to this day, 25 years later. Maia free.
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May/26/2009, 10:30 pm
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