phyrenice
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 Need advice with teenager from sociopath father
My son is 13, his dad is considered a sociopath. My ex, lies, cheats, steals, verbally abusive, threatening, imtimidating, etc. Our son used to fear him, when we all lived together, he would cry and beg me to leave him. But now apart, he puts his dad on a pedestal and says I am mean (because I have to be both parents, so when he gets bad grades, in trouble at school, does not do chores, I have to be the one to take away the video games, TV, etc. and then he runs crying to his dad that I am this terrible person and says he wants to live with him. I don't get it?? My ex is umemployed, no place to live, lives with his friend and his family, no longer pays child support, I ask my son "and where will you sleep" He was suspended from school and decided to stay with his dad because he knew he would be grounded with me and his dad said it was not his (our son's fault) that it was all mine and gave him no punishment. My son threatened kids at school, how is that my fault. My ex does not approve of my fiance and is hell bent on destoying it, he also feeds my son ficticous information to make my son afraid of him (like saying he is gay or making up lies). It is like my son is trying to make me choose. I am not the first single mother to find love again and want to move on with her life. It is not like I just divorced the worthless terd, I left him 3 years ago and have known my fiance for almost two years. I just kept secret for the first half from my son because I knew my ex would do this crap. Do they go away, do they find something else to torment. When do they release the claws and accept the fact it is over and move on. I love my son more than anything, but he puts himself in the middle by being his dads messgenger (yes my ex will say to tell me this and that like that he will take me to court, or tell me I am a whore or tell me to F*** off), I tell my son, tell him to email me, I am not listening, my son tells him everything I am always doing, and it is none of his dads business, I am not his victim anymore!!! I feel like my son is two faced =( I take him to counseling, but just dont feel it is helping any ...
Last edited by phyrenice, May/11/2009, 1:39 pm
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May/11/2009, 1:38 pm
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LynnS
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Re: Need advice with teenager from sociopath father
I'm so sorry you and your son have to go through this kind of manipulation, phyrenice. The ex is triangulating the situation. He's made your son into his rescuer while positioning you as the persecutor and at 13 it is very difficult for a child to understand that this is happening or to know how to handle the stress it causes. He acts out and takes it out on you because you're safe. His father clearly isn't. It's so sad that the kids know this, that they can't go against what the N's or P's want of them because if they do, they'll be cast out. The threat of abandonment is hard for anyone to deal with, but particularly difficult for a child when it comes to a parent.
Your son may indeed on some level be trying to make you choose because that's exactly what his father is doing to him...making him choose him.
It sounds as if you are doing a lot of healthy things in dealing with him. You have consequences for his behavior and it also sounds as if you are working on keeping your boundaries up when he starts delivering messages on behalf of his father.
He's likely very angry. I have found that where my kids were concerned when they were teenagers, a certain amount of anger when they were frustrated was natural and remaining calm in the face of it diffused it pretty well. I would calmly ask them to go to their room and think about it and when they were ready to talk about it civilly, I was there.
Personally, though, phyrenice, I think this goes beyond normal anger and I would make it clear that disrespect like he's delivering just won't be tolerated. I'd take it a step further than, "have him email me". That makes it sound as if you'll take it from the P, too. The issue might be more that you won't be talked to or treated like that period, and that's an issue between you and your son, not necessarily the P at that point. For example, perhaps you make it a rule that no foul, derogatory, abusive language is allowed. Of course, you would then have to decide what the consequences are if he goes there.
I know it's difficult. I hope the counseling starts to help a bit. Sometimes that can take some time to have an impact, too.
Hugs,
Lynn
---
"The best way out is always through."--Robert Frost
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May/12/2009, 8:17 am
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phyrenice
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Re: Need advice with teenager from sociopath father
My son is pushing every button. You can clearly see his fathers evil and destruction. I am trying so hard to put my foot down and say you will stop walking all over me, I am the mother you are the child. My house, my rules. He got into serious trouble at school and thinks it is all one big joke. Then when I tell him he is grounded and say we need to talk about why you did this, he said no, then said I will call my dad. He said I don't see why you are making such a big deal, other kids at school do same thing and they don't get in trouble. He is a parrot and repeats what his dad tells him too. He told me he is a mirror of my actions. I have a full time job, my commute is 45 minutes one way, I have a house to clean, a teenager to clean after (he does nothing but sit on computer, heaven forbid he take out trash or empty dishwasher, he even has "accidents" in his pants being so glued to computer when I am at work), the pets to take care of and he has the nerve to say I love my fiance more than him. I do not understand why he can not realize I can and do love them both, soon he will go off to college (hopefully if he makes it thru high school) and move on with his life, so am I not entitled to mine?? It is not like I am the only person to ever reamrry. We or I constantly ask him if he wants to go to movies, shopping, mall, skating, etc. anything outdoorsy and he always refuses or if we make he go, he is so disrespectful and acts like a BRAT and a half. I just do not know what to do, my family is tired of hearing it and nothing seems to be working. I try to use military school or sending him with my parents, but he throws the "no not without dads consent" at me. Plus he was telling me he is old enough to decide that the judge will listen to him and what he wants (well one of the parents has to file and he keeps telling me how his dad had a lawyer and filed all this paperwork), does not take a brain surgeon to access public records to see his dad never filed crap!! He is all lies, and my son just believes his BS. I am just so tired of it, it is a neverending battle. I love my son more than he knows, but he is tearing me apart and I just do not know what to do, it is a no win situation.
Last edited by phyrenice, May/13/2009, 2:28 pm
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May/13/2009, 2:25 pm
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