ashkara
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Newbie post: living with a child psychopath
I found this board by accident while searching (in desperation) for options. It was soooo comforting to read stories from other parents living with the same problems! I'm not sure whether I'm looking for answers/assistance, or whether I just need to get all this off my chest in a safe, non-judgemental space - but probably more of the latter. I hope you don't mind.
My youngest son recently turned 13. I've always known in my heart that there was something wrong. I can't explain it, but there was something very cold in his eyes, and his affection - he was a really cuddly child - seemed somehow empty and devoid of real emotion. I’ve tried for many years to give him the benefit of the doubt, fearing that my contempt for my ex husband was colouring my attitude towards him, but I think it’s time I admitted there’s a real problem.
From the time he was able to walk and talk, he's been a compulsive liar and a thief. He has always manipulated everyone around him. I was often accused of being uncaring (or paranoid) when I told people not to be fooled by the act. They’d always say “He’s just a kid; he’s not doing it on purpose”. But I knew he was. The trouble at school began within two months of him starting first grade, when he ‘accidentally’ started a fire. Eight years on, I’m still getting regular phonecalls from the school - he’s currently on suspension for possession of cannabis. The insane thing is that the school actually feels sorry for him! They’re convinced that he’s just a good kid who keeps ‘innocently’ finding himself mixed up in bad stuff.
This is what has made it so hard for me to accept the truth, because he’s always been such a contradiction. I often wondered whether I really *was* just being paranoid. He fusses over me when I’m sick, misses his brother, loves animals, is kind and respectful to community members, helps the elderly, etc... but at the same time, he’s a selfish, lying, thieving, manipulative bully. Truth is, he’s an accomplished chameleon. He can be whatever the person in front of him wants him to be and will say whatever they want to hear. He will generally own up to things he’s done and cry and feign remorse (which is why the school thinks he’s a good kid, deep down), but he never actually apologises or accepts responsibility. He’s exceptionally smart and incredibly devious.
I love him so much, but I really don’t like him at the moment. And I’m so afraid for him and for his future. I’m scared he’ll hurt himself or someone else, or end up in prison, or become a loner or social outcast (at the moment, of course, he’s one of the most popular kids in school). If I’m right and he is a psychopath, I know that the chances of him being successfully treated are slim to none. There just doesn’t seem to be any way out.
Right now, I’m a prisoner in my own home. I can’t go out, because he can’t be trusted while I’m gone - the only time I get to leave the house is when he’s at school, but he’s currently suspended for the second time in two weeks. I can’t leave my cigarettes or wallet lying around, because he’ll steal from me. I lock my bedroom whenever I’m not inside the house (even if I’m just outside mowing the lawn!) because he goes through my stuff. I feel like my life is no longer my own.
I should probably also admit that I’m currently in a relationship with a man that appears to be a narcissist, or ‘charmer’ - or at the very least, emotionally manipulative. I know that’s a whole other problem, but added to the problems I’m having with my son it’s starting to make me feel like ...well, like I’ve completely lost my mind. I feel like I’m constantly being blamed for everyone else’s issues and punished for their irresponsible behaviour. For a long time I felt guilty, but now I seem to have moved more into feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.
I’m sorry to ramble on for so long. I really appreciate you giving me this space to blurt it all out, without the shame and feelings of failure that seems to constantly accompany me these days. Much love and best wishes to you all x
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Aug/27/2009, 11:33 pm
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topaz123
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Re: Newbie post: living with a child psychopath
Hi Ash, pleased to meet you.
Any relationship with a disordered person is hard but when its your child, you can't just up sticks and get away from them.
Your story is very similar to my own.....I do still love my daughter but its been 3 years NC with her and for that I am grateful.
I think the hardest thing to deal with when you are a parent of N/Ps is everyone wants to blame somebody and the easiest target is the mother. Schools, police, soc services etc, all seem to think all kids are born the same and only turn bad with bad parenting.......def not the case with my daughter, I don't know whay she is like she is.
She started really going bad aged around 14 and has gone downhill ever since. Some of the things she gets up to(that I hear about along the grapevine) are really terrible.....she thrives on this sort of behaviour.
Read as much as you can, learn as fast as you can..my only regret with my daughter is I didn't understand more when we were being put through it all with her.knowledge is power.Good luck.
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Aug/28/2009, 8:11 am
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topaz123
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Re: Newbie post: living with a child psychopath
Hi Ash, pleased to meet you.
Any relationship with a disordered person is hard but when its your child, you can't just up sticks and get away from them.
Your story is very similar to my own.....I do still love my daughter but its been 3 years NC with her and for that I am grateful.
I think the hardest thing to deal with when you are a parent of N/Ps is everyone wants to blame somebody and the easiest target is the mother. Schools, police, soc services etc, all seem to think all kids are born the same and only turn bad with bad parenting.......def not the case with my daughter, I don't know whay she is like she is.
She started really going bad aged around 14 and has gone downhill ever since. Some of the things she gets up to(that I hear about along the grapevine) are really terrible.....she thrives on this sort of behaviour.
Read as much as you can, learn as fast as you can..my only regret with my daughter is I didn't understand more when we were being put through it all with her.knowledge is power.Good luck.
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Aug/28/2009, 8:12 am
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ashkara
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Re: Newbie post: living with a child psychopath
Thank you, Topaz. 
I couldn't agree more about people automatically blaming the mother. Especially single mothers. I can't tell you how many times my son's teachers and counsellors have laid the blame squarely at my feet and/or subtly tried to point me towards seeking 'parenting help' or counselling. As if my self-confidence wasn't damaged enough already! And every time *I* get the blame for my son's mistakes, it only empowers him more.
I often wonder, when I see the stats about mental illness/personality disorders occurring more frequently in single parent families and lower socio-economic groups, if it's the actual upbringing that has the impact ...or whether it's just that their family situation provides a ready-made excuse and absolution for bad behaviour, which in turn enables (maybe even encourages?) MORE bad behaviour.
My son knows that every time he does something wrong, *I'm* the one that is likely to be held responsible. He gets to out-wit the teachers and demoralise me at the same time. That would satisfy ANY moody teenager, let alone a P child! Why wouldn't he continue to do it?
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Aug/28/2009, 10:46 am
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topaz123
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Re: Newbie post: living with a child psychopath
I started reading everything I could.so confusing, such conflicting information..and then it comes down to the nature V nurture argument..but these people come from all countries, all cultures, all religions and all walks of life.some rich, some poor. I believe some are made and some are born..and I also believe they can't be fixed.
I am not a single parent , still with her father after more than 30 years and we are not in a low income bracket either.or socio eco group.
She was a beautiful but clingy baby, lovely little girl, very intelligent, very quick at everything and was doing well at school til she hit puberty.then life turned into something from jerry springer.
I am glad she is older and gone from here, at least this way we have some peace from her.
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Aug/28/2009, 12:16 pm
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mariemarie
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Re: Newbie post: living with a child psychopath
quote:
I often wonder, when I see the stats about mental illness/personality disorders occurring more frequently in single parent families and lower socio-economic groups, if it's the actual upbringing that has the impact ...
I've wondered about that too. I think it may be related to the genetic component - one reason the families are single-parent is because of the PD behavior of a parent leading to divorce, and the children have inherited the genetic predisposition from the PD parent . . .
It breaks my heart to read your words that every time you get blamed by the teachers, it only empowers him more -
I hope that you can find a way to let him know that you hold him responsible for his actions and that you will not bail him out. What are the consequences from the school if he continues breaking the rules? If he gets expelled? Will he be sent to a special school for kids the school will not allow to attend? Will he never be able to get into college as a result?
He sounds like a (very) smart kid. Is there a way you can get a meeting with the school counselor and explain to her/him your son's psychopathic tendencies?
I know that you might not find a sympathetic ear, and that they have blamed you before, but is it a possibility that if you approach them pro-actively, it might help? If you could somehow get him diagnosed, would it help with the school?
I just hate to read about you feeling imprisoned in your own home by a 13 year old. It seems that it can only get worse. I hope not, but you need to protect yourself from the possibility.
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Aug/28/2009, 12:28 pm
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ashkara
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Re: Newbie post: living with a child psychopath
quote:
...one reason the families are single-parent is because of the PD behavior of a parent leading to divorce, and the children have inherited the genetic predisposition from the PD parent.
That's a really good point. My ex-husband was a truly horrible person - hence the divorce - but I don't think he had an actual personality disorder. (He's also sobered up and matured significantly over the past 12 years, which I guess wouldn't have happened if the problem was inherent).
But his mother...well, that's a whole different story. She's a scheming, sneaky, manipulative compulsive liar, with delusions of grandeur. I hadn't really considered it properly before, but she's almost certainly N or P. No doubt growing up with a mother like that could have led to her children having emotional problems? Three out of four of them do.
This has really given me something to think about. I've always blamed my ex MIL for causing many of my son's problems, but I assumed her actions were out of spite and/or to make herself look good. Maybe she's even more dangerous than I gave her credit for. I'm definitely going to look into this further. Thank you so much.
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Aug/28/2009, 11:00 pm
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topaz123
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Re: Newbie post: living with a child psychopath
My MIL is P but undiagnosed, we stopped all contact with MIL when the daughter was a few months old and the only contact before this was very minimal. My H is normal, kind and gentle and caring. My daughter was never abused so this is what leads me to think there may be hereditary links with this.
Even though MIL and daughter have had NC with each other, you could listen to what either 1 was saying or look at their actions and you would think it was the same person.
MIL had a privileged lifestyle too, don't think she ever saw any abuse either..but MIL is just about the most selfish person I ever met, now closely followed by my daughter.
I read Robert Hares book.Without Conscience, this described my situation very well.
LJ Leedom also has written a good book about parenting the at risk(of being N/P) child, think there are some links on the site about it.....and sam Vaknin has some excellent stuff about this too.
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Aug/29/2009, 12:52 am
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