newme1
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Windows of Opportunity - Start Small
Several months ago, I visited a psychiatrist after suffering terribly through my break-up with xN.
He reassured me that I was anything but insane and then went on to share some casual words of wisdom with me that really stuck in my mind and helped me keep strong, so I thought I'd share them here.
We were talking about my 2yo son with xN - and my fears about visitation/custody. Knowing what an accomplished liar he is, I was so worried at the time that he would go for 50/50 custody - even though he was not really interested in our son but in hurting me and my son was the way to do it. I explained the situation, and how he used our child to manipulate me constantly.
He said this.
"Narcissists LOVE to win. They HAVE to win. At all costs. Whatever you offer, they will always want more. So start small".
He then drew on a sheet of paper. He drew one large square. And one very small one. And told me these were the windows to work within.
He said you can start with the big one, or you can start with the small.
Start small. Only offer the bare minimum. The absolute minimum you can get away with.
If you (or any reasonable person) think fair would be every second weekend/school holidays/xmas/birthday........offer half of xmas day and NOTHING more. Of course it sounds unreasonable but only offer that.
Narcissists will always argue for more. Expect it. Because it's not about being reasonable or fair. It's about winning and control.
If you start small, he will fight for more.
If you start big, he will fight for more.
Reluctantly agree to SOME of his demands, bit by bit. Give crumbs. Act like you really don't want to do it.
He will feel he's "won" and you will end up giving him less than you thought you'd have to.
When he thinks he is "winning" and you are "losing" he will feel satisfied that he's beaten you and lose interest because he will only fight you for a reaction and once he has gotten one, he thinks he has won.
So, for example, you may end up giving him every Sunday, half of xmas, half of child's birthday.
Which is still a lot LESS than what you expected/feared he would go for.
On the other hand, if you start BIG, he will STILL want more. They ALWAYS want more than you offer so don't offer much at all."
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It made so much sense to me.
First of all this guy is trained and knows about narcissism.
Secondly, he is a man and was precise and straight to the point instead of thinking so deeply like us girls do.
So I figured I'd give his advice a try.
In my case, we went to a mediator to draw up a parenting plan. I've tried to keep our situation out of court because it will work against me rather than for me. xN will be given more time that he currently has.
My xN is a nutcase. He had shown almost no interest in our son. I was 100% full time carer while he all but ignored him. So it was NEVER about the child. It was a power trip.
I was so worried about my little boy. I went in fully expecting him to ask for 50/50. Instead I offered xN one evening a week for 2 hours over dinner. Our son was only 2 and hadn't spent very much time with his father so that was my basis.
Guess what, exactly as my shrink had predicted, he got all self-righteous, bullied and raved on, and asked for more time. But it wasn't a great deal more. And still a LOT less than I had expected. I pouted and begrudgingly "conceded" to his demands.
On the inside I was doing the happy dance that was all he wanted. I was so completely relieved that my sweet little boy was only going to be subjected to his nutcase father's influence and lack of supervision a very small amount of time which will minimise the effects on him.
Once he thought he was controlling me, making me unhappy, and he was "winning", he got bored. Mission accomplished. He actually started clock watching after he felt he'd beaten me. lol.
I found it to be great advice and served me very well and could be useful info for anyone involved in starting to sort out custody/property/visitation matters with xN.
It worked for me. But I have to say manipulating a situation like that didn't come naturally. I had to memorise what to do....and I was EXHAUSTED afterwards.
It makes me wonder how N's keep up the facade they live. Constant lies/manipulation.
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Sep/2/2009, 9:30 am
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justmenmydogsnow
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Re: Windows of Opportunity - Start Small
Thanks, NewMe. Great, great advice. I just wish I'd known this years ago.
My attorney and I started out with a settlement proposal of half--Half of everything. He gets half, I get half. I wish I'd known that would never ever seem "fair" to an N. So, now that I've already messed up your good plan, it's been well over two years with lawyers going back and forth (very slowly). Since I won't agree to an unreasonable settlement proposal, (I'd rather get nothing and be able to live with myself), it's going to trial. I can only hope that the judge will make it fair.
I wish I'd known more about the NPD years ago. It might've saved me so much time, heartache, stress, trouble, money--
As it is, I have to put my trust in the decision-making and discernment of the judge--
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Sep/2/2009, 10:21 pm
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minnie6
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Registered: 10-2009
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Re: Windows of Opportunity - Start Small
Thanks for sharing GREAT ADVISE a little late for me but leaning is always an asset.
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Oct/16/2009, 6:57 am
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