mobo123
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New to Board and quick story
Thanks to you all for this board.
I have been lurking and reading all your stories and they have helped me tremendously.
After 8 years of emotional and verbal abuse by an N, and watching my DD(16) suffer from his emotional outbursts and belittling, they escalated and had a physical altercation. This was only the second on 8 years but it was one too many times. I asked him to leave. 4 days later he took our son (3) and emptied our bank account, holding both over my head until I agreed to speak to him and let him come home. Final straw came when i went to my in-laws to get my son, while STBX was at work. My son was ripped out of my arms as I tried to leave and we were both assaulted and pushed to the ground. They threw him in the truck and drove off before the police showed up. Assault charges are pending. Day after that he showed up at my house with 4 trucks, a flatbed and a uhaul, with 7 people and cleaned out the house with whatever he could take.
I was forced to file D to get my son back. Temp custody orders were issued 2 weeks ago and I got my son back.
I am 27 days away from my 60 day divorce waiting period. I know it will most likely go past that date, but I am ready to be out of this.
Now he has tried to play nice and stated he would split stuff down the middle. He also has suggested we have sympathy sex! Really?! What was the last 2 years...300 lb buffoon!
I have also learned that my STBX has been sending his friends to drive past my house to spy on us. WTH?!
Is he looking for another guy? Its not like I will be having sex in the driveway!
This is so nerve racking.
His orders state that he only gets 5 days of possession per month and yet he shows up at son's preschool several times per week.
I can't wait for this to be over. I am documenting everything and trying to find some leverage to use to make him think he gets small wins during the process. It's harder than living with the ups and downs, but I know it will all be over soon.
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Oct/7/2009, 1:26 pm
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justmenmydogsnow
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Re: New to Board and quick story
Mobo,
Every time I read a new story about divorce with an N, I am haunted. Still to this day, it just amazes me that these guys are so evil and clueless.
It sounds like you're protecting yourself well, calling the police and getting a report (so important), documenting, etc. I know hindsight is 20-20, but for anyone else thinking about starting down this road, I would advise that you change your locks and file for divorce the minute he is gone. I also learned the hard way.
"Trying to play nice" is just another manipulation tactic in a sea of attempts. Don't be fooled; keep your guard up ALWAYS. You cannot appease them. Once you start trying to play nice yourself, thinking that if you're nice to him he'll be nice to you, you will find that "nice" is never enough. Whatever you give to him is never enough. Remember the advice given that if an N rages, rage back? In my experience, the same applies to the divorce process. Don't start off trying to appease him with half; go for as much as you possibly can, so that then it can be bargained down, settled, for hopefully a "fair" half (not that half is ever fair after what you've put up with in the marraige). But at least it's better than starting out offering half and being bargained down to a lot less. And you're right; try any way you can to let him think that he's won--That's all that's important to them.
Make sure your son's preschool has a copy of the temporary orders, so that they know they cannot let him near your son whenever he wants to.
I hope that you're right, that it will all be over soon. But be prepared for a long battle. I never dreamed that my ex would be so vindictive (I was much more naive then), and I went first to a mediator (silly me). I am now into this 2-1/2 years. Nothing happens fast in divorceland!
Best wishes to you--
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Oct/10/2009, 11:44 am
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bellvireo
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Re: New to Board and quick story
Hi Mobo and just,
I'm in the same boat. Two and a half years into it, and just now, may get some end.
Stbxnh has done it all. Hide money, delay, try to intimidate, turn kids against me. All because it's my fault that he's lied, cheated, etc ad nauseum all his life. Blah, Blah, Blah.
Yuck. Legal stuff has been a nightmare too. (Mediator ignored me, I got low balled, waste of time. Trusted atty dumped me, and occupational eval person was humiliating experience) I'm finally going to a Special Master meeting on Friday. After looking at it on google sites (thanks to a suggestion by 2befree), here came the dawn. I guess in some part, a special master is called upon to settle issues that may have been criminal (think fun little guys around apr 15th). Also, in my state if you have had physical abuse, it does effect the amount you are awarded if the abuse affected your ability to work.
If you guys have more info, or insight, or advice I'd appreciate your thoughts.
Still standing, b
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Oct/10/2009, 11:58 am
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justmenmydogsnow
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Re: New to Board and quick story
Just thought I'd better add a caution about staying in your home after he's left--
I thought it would be fine, that I could afford the mortgage payment. Little did I know that, at least in the lovely state of California, they would impute the rental cost of my home to me. It sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? I never dreamed this would happen, but it did. It may not happen in all states, so check with your state laws to see it this would apply to you. The judge ruled that I had to pay what would've been the "fair rental value" of my home (obviously, MUCH more than my mortgage), had my home been rented. I was never told this was a possibility, never told I had a choice.
So, just a little heads-up--It's amazing what they (and their bright lawyers) dream up.
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Oct/11/2009, 11:15 pm
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