exhausted
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Custody and School....
I wanted to see if anyone who has kids would know the answer to this.
ExNH and I have Joint Custody. I am the Primany who she lives with. D14 will be going to High school next year and ExNH and I do not agree where she should go. Her and I live close to the school almost all of her friend are going to. ExNH wants her to go to a different school (would need a transfer) which he thinks is a better school. It's a "rich" school and has the "best" everything, but I have heard horror stories from other mom's about how cruel the girls can be and the drugs (kids have money, so they have it all). The sport teams are real good, but I heard (even from our coach now) that if you don't "fit" D14 will not even make the team or even get to play.
I know ExNH has been talking about it to D14....she mouthed off to me earlier today saying that she was going to that school...(very sassy), so I know he's tryin to get to her....manipulative as always...
Can he go behind my back and try to get her into that school without me?
Can he do anything about it?
Since I am the Primany, do I not have final say so?
It would cost me alot of money for her to go, that's IF she can even get a transfer...her grades have to be really good (so I've heard)...she's A/B right now, last year she had some C's. The grass is not always greener ya know....I just know he would try something. I need to be proactive...he's been sneaky lately.
Anybody know?
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Oct/11/2009, 11:23 pm
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MommaHorse1
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Re: Custody and School....
Check your papers. With you being primary they should state that you have the right to decide where she lives and what school she attends. Be aware that he will use the attitude that she is old enough to decide where she wants to go. Also, if he is so adamant that she goes to that school make him pay for it. The school district you are in has been fine so far and thats where her friends are. Trying to fit in can be difficult in high school. Good luck!
---
MommaHorse1
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Oct/12/2009, 6:16 am
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justmenmydogsnow
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Re: Custody and School....
I don't want to sound like the voice of negativity, but I have found throughout these divorce-ongoing years that things that I would've thought could ONLY be decided one way, the logical way, by the court, were decided entirely differently. And I was left baffled and crushed.
A lot of it depends on where you live, and on how good of a lawyer he has. My daughter was 17 at the time and chose to live with her dad, because he had been gone from the house for two years and she missed him. So he was the primary, I paid him child support, but we had JOINT LEGAL custody. That meant that even as the primary, he did NOT have the legal right to unilaterally decide things like education, medical decisions, etc. Ours was the same in that he wanted her to go to the expensive school. I didn't. He wanted her to get all these medical things done. I still don't know what they were. He did what he wanted and the courts didn't care. He's still trying to get me to pay for medical procedures that he refuses to tell me what they are. It's not like she was in an accident, in which case, of course, there would be no question; I would gladly pay. But these were not medical necessities; they were totally elective. He's also trying to get me to pay him back for half of her private education.
So, I'm just saying that just because it would make sense for it to be a certain way, don't count on it. Talk to your lawyer about it.
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Oct/12/2009, 10:00 am
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exhausted
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Re: Custody and School....
I looked at the paperwork. I have marked that we BOTH make decisions regarding her education. So that means we are at a standstill. He wants her to go, and I do not. What's the next step? If he pushes the issue...Court? Mediation?
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Oct/12/2009, 11:01 am
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BeenDown
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Re: Custody and School....
If he pushes it, try mediation first. At 14, her wishes may be considered in court too so this could get tricky. I would have a heart to heart with her and see if you can get at what she really and truly wants. Doesn't she want to stay in the school where her friends are going to be? I know that would be a big issue for my 14-year-old. What are the costs involved in this new school--is it a private school? If so, then that's another point for the mediator--if he is pushing for it, he should assume most or all of the cost. I'm guessing he would change his mind pretty quickly if he had to eat the cost. From your post it sounds a little like you're worried about losing your daughter. I have those worries too sometimes. My XHN is not a person to be trusted raising a teenage daughter.
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Oct/12/2009, 2:57 pm
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exhausted
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Re: Custody and School....
The tricky part would be to re-wire D's brain after the lies he has told to her. He totally lied to her about what the coach said. It's a public school, but in a "rich" area, this school offers classes other public schools do not offer...at a price I'm sure. The "rich" schools have things that a lower income school does not have....the parents can afford it. Not me.
D said that she was going to that school and she knew what she needed to do. I asked her what..she said, "I just need to ya know, get the coach their coffee, do things for them, and do what they want and then they will let me play and be on the team." I told her "really...your going to kiss their butt in the hopes that you'll get on the team...I won't kiss anybody's butt, I have more respect for myself than that..."
She just walked away...I hope she really thinks about it, he has messed up her head with his lies. And not to mention, the thought that she would "do" things just to get on the team....REALLY scares me! That is not how I want her to see the world.
How could he tell his daughter that...that's like telling her it's o.k. to "do things" for a guy...ya know.."If you loved me you would do it" kind of thing. He is so creepy, it scares me.
Thanks!
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Oct/12/2009, 11:54 pm
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mariemarie
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Re: Custody and School....
I really feel for you - As N's do, he is making you out to be the bad guy. If she does end up going there and is unhappy about the choice, he'll still find a way to make it your fault, right? So all the more reason to stick to your guns on this one, and make him be the decider if he wants to push it that far.
I would guess that mostly what he is doing is trying to push your buttons and make you look bad, while garnering favor with her. I would rise above all that and do what you think is right. If he prevails, then he does, but you will have done everything you can to protect your DD. I would just repeat to her that you have her best interests at heart. It's you who has always supported her sports, right? Even when Ndad didn't want her to play if it meant he had to take her to practice?
Have you thought of the "big fish in a little pond vs. little fish in a big pond" scenario? Maybe painting it like that to DD will help. The more play time the better - Does she want to play or fetch coffee? And don't the kids who've been there longer have more of a chance of getting the coffee anyway? I dunno - just brainstorming here.
On the other hand, if he talks her into it and she finds out that it's not all that he's painted it, she will see him as the blowhard he is, and she can come back to where her friends and roots are.
Best of luck - your DD is lucky to have you - (((exhausted)))
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Oct/13/2009, 9:47 pm
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