mobo123
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Question on Visitation (again)
Sorry for all the questions, but the BTDT people have been really helpful.
N is supposed to be sending me 30 days notice for all visitation, which he has been. His visits are from 8am until 8am, and vary between 24/48 hours. N has been wanting me to pick up our son for returns at 630 am because he works on the return days. The thing is, he is the one who picked 8-8. I feel like this is MY time and he should make arrangements if he can't be the one to return him. After an email last week where he accused me of NOT working with him, where I have actually been accomodating, I have decided to establish boundaries and hold firm to the temporary custody/visitation orders.
He is threatening me now stating it will not look good to the judge that I will not pick up our son. I agreed to meet him at 8am, if he has to bring him early, he will have to come to my house. ( I still flexed on this as I had stated that I would not be available until 8am...its my time).
So, my question is about the custody study that is coming up next week. Will this look bad that I have decided to stand firm on the custody orders and am now refusing to go over and above?
Any experience or advice would be great.
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Oct/31/2009, 9:00 pm
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justmenmydogsnow
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Re: Question on Visitation (again)
Mobo,
My daughter was 17 when I started down this road. So, my custody experience, while awful, was very different. Courts don't care much when a child is 17.
But I do have a perspective--It's amazing how our thinking becomes so turned around after dealing with these Ns. YOU are the one who has been flexible and accommodating. HE is the one who is not doing what HE set up to do, who is not following the custody orders. And yet, he's telling you that YOU are the one, and that YOU should be worried about the judge--It's ridiculous! From an outsider's perspective, it's ridiculous.
Having said that, one thing I've learned is that you NEVER know how a judge will react or what he/she will do. I wouldn't waste a moment's time giving your STBXNH's words another thought, as far as what he says you should do. BUT, it is a consideration that he will tell the judge something with spin on it. Does he have a good lawyer?
I wouldn't do what he wants because that sets precedent (in his mind anyway) that you will buckle under to anything he wants you to do. BUT, I would be sure that I had a very good explanation FOR THE JUDGE of why I couldn't comply with his request, that I had to get ready for work during that time, or SOMETHING. You may not need the explanation for the judge, but I would definitely be ready with one if the judge asks for it. And I would definitely NOT give in to how the STBXNH wants to change the custody orders. Those are legal orders that should only be changed through legal means.
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Nov/1/2009, 9:14 am
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Hadenuf
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Re: Question on Visitation (again)
Does he pick up or does he want you to do that too? My exn does the same crap, insisted on having 3 nights in the agreement but then only keeps DS 2 so he can have sat nights to get sfaced drunk. If he tries to bring it up in court tell the judge that you are sticking to the schedule because you do not want to be accused of custodial interference (it would be typical N behaviour for him to turn it around and say you are showing up early on your wishes). Tell him that if he wants to cut his time short that he must transport the child. DO NOT say anything about it being "your time" in court as they cannot force anyone to actually exercise their parenting time. All you can do is ask for the schedule to be reduced and or more CS if the N plays games by not showing or shortening visitation.
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Nov/1/2009, 12:57 pm
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scared
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Re: Question on Visitation (again)
Hi, justme is absolutely right--it is absolutely ridiculous, but I hate to say this: sometimes, IT WORKS. I'm absolutely not trying to be negative, I'm only one person with one experience, but my exN is great at this. One recent example: we communicate only by text/email. He refused to reply to any of my emails, and when I asked him, he said, "Well, I never use that account, why didn't you just send me a text saying that you sent a msg?"
OK, to me that is like saying, "Hey, I rang the doorbell to let you know I was knocking on the door." I told him so, and he went off talking about how immature I am to be so unhelpful out of spite and blah, blah. Brought it up in one of our therapy sessions, and the therapist says, "Well, it really doesn't take any time at all to send a short text."
Same sort of thing happened with atty way back. Anyway, all that babbling to say this: don't let him do it to you, but as it has already been said, HAVE A GOOD REASON why you won't. I wish you the best.
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Nov/2/2009, 12:01 am
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