scared
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the little things
I joined this board months ago in desperation. My daughter's dad had just come back into her life, and as a true N, he was half in, half out about a month into visits. I got really busy with school, so I mostly just read posts for moral support--thank you all!
Then I made a huge mistake (I think). Things got really bad for awhile, so I put kiddo in therapy, and INVITED HIM TO COME, thinking it would help. Well, of course the therapist doesn't get it; she's known him just over a month (it took him at least a month before he would attend), and he puts on a great show for that one hour a week.
Now, behavior-wise, things have improved beyond belief. We took kiddo trick-or-treating together, and we have been civil. He hasn't missed the last few weekends, and we actually communicate about our daughter. Here's the thing though, and yes, it sounds petty: I asked him a few weeks back to please send all of her clothes home. He assured me that I had all of the clothes from my house except for one dress he "seems to have misplaced." I'm not insane about her clothes, so I thanked him and went on. The last two visits, though, he has returned her in clothes that are two sizes too small, that came from my house. She wore them over there so long ago that she has out grown them.
Obviously, the issue here isn't the clothes. You all know it's the LIE. I can't bring up the issue in therapy, because I look like the crazy one. I guess the reason I'm posting is I really have believed therapy is working. Am I so naiive to think it can happen? Maybe we'll be that one percent or whatever, and be the happy separated family?
I just cannot for the life of me get past that persistent little lie. I want to believe that he has been working on change, but is it possible?
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Nov/1/2009, 11:27 pm
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justmenmydogsnow
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Re: the little things
If the therapy has been helpful for your daughter, then it's been a really good thing. It sounds as though you were hoping the therapy would also "cure" your N.
I don't want to be pessimistic, and maybe it's possible that you could be that small percentage that can be a happy separated family. But I think you are setting yourself up for a huge let-down if you're believing that the therapy is actually changing him.
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Nov/4/2009, 9:22 am
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bellvireo
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Re: the little things
Hi scared,
Of course it made it better for your child. They want a happy family. And of course it's easy for your n to fake it while he's going out Trick or Treating for an evening.
I don't like the sound of your "therapy". I wouldn't mind if n went on his own, without daughter, but I wouldn't want to be in the same room with an n and myself and my daughter. Oh, the manipulations he could pull with that.
Does your therapist know about Narcissism?
Hope you're doing OK.
b.
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Nov/6/2009, 9:36 am
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scared
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Re: the little things
Thanks for the replies. I am seriously considering stopping the therapy sessions for now. At the end of our last session, she pulled me aside and asked if I still had the fear "that the other shoe will drop," and when I said yes, I got the LOOK. You know, the look that says, "wow, this girl is really crazy. I can't believe she is so negative." She flat out told me how wonderful he is and how hard he is trying, because he has now made one child support payment and has gone a full month without missing a visit.
The worst part is the reason I am still going is I can't quite ignore that little voice in the back of my head telling me that it's possible this really is all my fault, and maybe he is a decent human being. I know it's completely irrational, but it's there nonetheless.
I am so glad to have this board, even if I don't post much. It helps to know that others have been there, even though I hate that anyone has to go through this.
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Nov/12/2009, 11:14 pm
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bellvireo
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Re: the little things
Hi scared,
Unless this T is court-ordered, I'd get me a new T, and I'd get one that would agree to "treat" you and your daughter separately from xnh. I really think that your daughter should be allowed in her therapy sessions to talk the T by herself. Unless there are some unusual circumstances.
You are not to blame for abuse. You are not at fault. That little voice is the wrong voice to listen to. Tell it to GO AWAY!!! You take your responsiblity for what you did, and you refuse to take on anyone else's. He WANTS you to feel this way. Wouldn't it be great to be able to hurt someone and abuse someone and have them blame themselves for it? That's how n feels. He's loving every minute of the T agreeing with him. It gets him off the hook for owning up to the fact that he's a jerk.
Have you read "Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft? It explains all of this so well.
If this T is making judgements on you with very little to go on, then she is full of you know what, and she is helping n to abuse you some more.
I'd post this on the other board, so that you could get some responses from some of the vets and see what they think. I don't like hearing you say you think it's your fault, and I'm a total newbie and want you to get the best advice.
Stay strong, lots of love to you. b.
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Nov/13/2009, 11:25 am
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serenity318
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Re: the little things
I completely agree with Bell. Unless the T is court ordered get rid of him/her and/or find another. Our court ordered T asked my 15 yo "so what do you want mom to work on before next time?" that was one of the key comments that made the judge say we didn't have to go. THnk you for telling me about "the look" becuause I also got it and thought for a minute that I was the one who was crazy.
---
"This above all else, to thine own self be true"
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Nov/13/2009, 11:50 am
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justmenmydogsnow
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Re: the little things
I completely agree with Bell and Serenity. Ns are master manipulators and unless someone has experience in dealing with an N, they have no clue. Please don't blame yourself! (And get another therapist!)
Go rent the movie "Gaslight", a classic tale of an N who makes his wife believe that SHE is the crazy one. Don't let him do that to you!
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Nov/13/2009, 5:18 pm
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scared
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Re: the little things
Thank you all so much for the support. It helps to be reminded that I am, in fact, sane. I just got it in my head that with enough time, the therapist would see how he really is. I'm not sure why when it took me forever even seeing him every day lol. Ah, big dreams.
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Nov/20/2009, 12:02 am
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