femfree
Administrator
Global user
Registered: 10-2008
Posts: 1317
Karma: 57 (+57/-0)
|
|
|
|
Smear Campaign of the Abuser
SMEAR CAMPAIGN OF THE ABUSER
Page 1 of 2
"Criticizing others is a dangerous thing, not so much because you may make mistakes about them, but because you may be revealing the truth about yourself".
Judge Harold Medina
"Abusers increasingly use a tactic I call "preemptive strike," where he accuses the victim of doing all the things that he has done."
UNDERSTANDING THE BATTERER IN CUSTODY
AND VISITATION DISPUTES
R. Lundy Bancroft, author
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
_____________________
To avoid exposure of his abusive behaviour, the abuser begins a smear campaign against his victim. Directed at her closest friends, coworkers, even children and family, he accuses the victim of being the abuser.
Here's a typical scenario: Your abuser has been emotionally/physically cruel to you. He's cheated on you, lied, and usually much, much more. So, you break up or end the relationship only to find that he has gone around to your friends/family telling them that you are the one who has been cruel to him, lied/cheated.
The Abuser's typical lie: "I love her so much, but now she's going around telling people I hit her, lied to her and cheated on her and she told me we're finished. I'm just devastated. I need someone to talk to who can help me get over this."
Your abuser has already anticipated what you will do. He beat you to the punch. You soon find others believe his convincing tales of being the victim. He works hard to present himself as "Mr. Perfect". Therefore, people believe him. They ally themselves against you. This was his plan all along. Brace yourself. Emotionally anticipate this common response from the mentally disordered. Hang on tight, it's going to be a very cruel and bumpy ride.
Do you feel you want to warn others or defend yourself? Your abuser has anticipated this. If you do this, you will likely only be validating what the abuser has already said about you. Without knowledge of the strong psychological defence mechanisms of the personality disordered could put you in danger or at the least, being discredited by an abuser who has already anticipated your actions.
An abuser will quickly 'devalue and discard' his target claiming he is the victim of your cruelty. His victims are now put in a defensive role by his lies and character assassination. By involving others he is enlarging his circle of those who give him attention. Any attention you may have given him is now replaced and multiplied by other people he manages to fool. A win/win scenario for a narcissist.
He will increase his attempts to provoke his victim into some reaction - the more emotional the better to make her look crazy and him sane. For heaven sakes, don't fuel this behaviour by taking his bait. Do NOT take his bait. It is his trap and setup. Provoking you into a reaction is his goal.
Abusers abuse in private. They fear exposure of their abuse. So they need to discredit anyone who can point the finger at them. You may be left with little more than police, lawyers, accountants, and your protective zone of No Contact.
An abuser's preferred tactic is the Smear Campaign. They spread lies, character assassination, malicious gossip, backstabbing with factless innuendo and cruel insinuation. Smearing the reputation of someone else (often using projection accusing them of doing what the abuser has done) is a major indicator of personality disorders.
Sadly, some ignorant people believe the abuser's lies that you are the abusive person and without proof of any kind, will, like the flying monkeys in the Wizard of OZ, defend the abuser by harassing his target. The abuser has orchestrated this knowing these people may commit illegal acts while the abuser himself is protected. They believe him and see him as the injured party, pitiful and in need of help. The abuser is now thoroughtly enjoying all the resultant chaos and attention he has created.
Dr. Vaknin explains: "Even the victim's relatives, friends, and colleagues are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor. Others rarely have a chance to witness an abusive exchange first hand and at close quarters. In contrast, the victims are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.
Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties it is easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem."
Narcissism by Proxy, FAQ#42 By: Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq42.html
* * * * *
The abuser certainly does not care about the hurt and emotional devastation he creates. He will never know this pain. He will only be able to pull it off temporarily because other people don't understand this first-strike tactic of the personality disordered. They have no personal experience with it and are unable to recognize it. Previous victims may be able to help you - they may have encountered his smear campaign.
Defence Strategy: If anyone tries to talk to you about him, hold up your hand (like a stop-sign) and say something like "I don't want to hear anything about him. He's lying" Say no more. If it continues: "My lawyer recommends I warn people they may have to testify about where they heard information in case this turns into a libel/slander lawsuit." Watch them scatter quickly when hearing this. This can cause people to stop cold and have another look at what they’ve been told. It's not necessary to defend ourselves at all.
Artwork by Greg Olson
http://www.gregolsengallery.com/
Graphics by Serenity Backgrounds
© Author: femfree 2001
DO NOT COPY THIS PAGE
CONTINUED BELOW...
Last edited by femfree, May/18/2009, 11:41 am
---
Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
|
|
Oct/29/2008, 6:50 pm
|
|
femfree
Administrator
Global user
Registered: 10-2008
Posts: 1317
Karma: 57 (+57/-0)
|
|
|
|
Re: Smear Campaign of the Abuser - Things we can do
Page 2 of 2
Can you find it funny? While very difficult, we hope so. When people tell you what s/he's saying, try the good old-fashioned knee-slapping belly laugh at what s/he says. Friends, when confronted with your laughter reaction will find it funny too. Very effective. You say nothing. You just laugh. It works. You will need, of course, to conduct yourself perfectly to discredit the abuser's claims.
The abuser is now at his summit, and about to topple. This abuser will not engage in a fair fight, and it will ultimately backfire on him. Slowly his newly-recruited allies become aware of the truth. Suspecting his real motives and questioning his actions, they slowly remove themselves and walk away. The ones that hang on are the most dim-witted. Their bad judgement in supporting him is easily transparent. They support the abuser for their own Mephistophelian goals.
_______________________________________
"Our credulity is greatest concerning the things
we know least about. And since we know least about ourselves,
we are ready to believe all that is said about us.
Hence the mysterious power of both flattery and calumny."
Eric Hoffer
"Be thou as chaste as ice, as pure as snow, thou shalt not escape calumny."
Shakespeare,Hamlet
Oldest recorded Smear Campaign: Genesis 39 The Holy Bible
Joseph in Potiphar’s House
Joseph was a man of God. He was purchased by Potiphar to serve in Potiphar's house. However, Potiphar's wife made advances to Joseph. When Joseph rejected her she went to her husband claiming Joseph had tried to rape her. Joseph landed up in jail.
***********
Smear Campaigns on Message Boards:
Have you ever seen how abusive members, banned from a message board, will begin a smear campaign against that message board and it's managers? It happens quite often. The first thing they do is try to involve other members.
_________________________
The best defence is to completely remove yourself from the abuser and those he is able to fool. Unfortunately, this often includes our closest friends and family. He will work hard to keep these groups of people separated. Naive, easily-deceived people, may be forever lost to us. Conducting ourselves with grace and dignity will get us through this. Do not engage in retaliatory mud-slinging that can be used against us, but do let these proxies know they can and will be subpoened in a potential defamation of character action to provide evidence of the origin of the lies he spreads.
So what, if anything, can we do?
Thinking about trying to warn others? Some verbal response suggestions...
"I was told he would start a smear campaign of lies against me - he apparently did this with his previous X and the one before that too."
On a funnier note, some 'rebuttal' comments we've heard from our members: "That's the same thing he said about you!." "I'm not surprised he said that. He said the same thing about his xwife." Suggested Response: (chuckling with a grinning wink) "Do you believe him?" "It's lies, it is a smear campaign."
Or, simply, how about...
"I'm sorry he feels that way. I prefer not to talk about him at all actually." Then change the subject.
If you are asked say
"I should have listened to the people who tried to warned me to stay away from him. They told me they wouldn't go near him with a ten-foot pole."
"I've been told he starts a smear campaign about anybody who dares to say no to him."
"I'm glad I was told to look up information on pathological liars/AsPD/NPD perhaps you should look up some of that information too."
"He told me himself that he would smear my good name and said he can always find people stupid enough to believe him."
"Watch out for your gold teeth around him. I've been told he likes to makes a beeline right for the wallet."
"Friends recommended I warn you about him. At least I can tell them I tried."
"I've been advised to warn people, even where I work, that he may try to smear my good name."
"I've been told he was able to fool quite a few people."
"Apparently he's been smearing my good name with a lot of people, but nobody is buying his story."
People calling?
"I need to interrupt you here, but I am going to have to stop any discussion with you about (N/P) and anything s/he says or does, as I have been advised that s/he is using this tactic to discredit me and involving other people to try to have contact with me. So, I need to stop this discussion and, unfortunately, should it continue, I've been advised to just hang up on anyone who does this." Stick to your guns on this. Keep it near your phone and if anybody tries to elaborate, repeat it word for word with no further explanation. Repeat once, then hang up. Your credibility will shine through.
Do you call him Psycho or N? You may be getting involved in a reverse smear campaign. Don't do that.
Be careful, the mentally disordered, facing exposure of his abuse, can be dangerous.
We have used the male gender. Your abuser may be female.
© Author: femfree 2001
DO NOT COPY THIS PAGE
Last edited by femfree, Mar/6/2009, 9:37 pm
---
Children? They don't want presents, they just want to see your face light up when they come in the room.
A member's quote
|
|
Dec/13/2008, 8:20 am
|
|
Link to us
- Blogs
- Hall of Honour
- Chat
|
You are not logged in (login)
Board's time is: Nov/29/2009, 11:21 am
|
|
|
