Page: 1 2
abbyabagail
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 10-2009
Posts: 237
Karma: 9 (+9/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Have read so many posts on this forum and now I need help
Hi Caw! I too wanted to say Hi and tell you that I've been there done that...your story is very similar to many of ours. When you put your foot down and they lose control they often lose their minds as well. When you are leaving them is the most dangerous time and when the ugliest of ugly will come out of him. If you have asked him not to call and he repeatedly does...that is harassment and stalking....I've gotten a protective order against my X for much less! I wouldn't give in to him as far as finances...he will just keep coming back for MORE AND MORE, kinda like a little bit of contact, they expect more and more. Utilize your lawyer and the courts...and keep in mind you don't need a lawyer to file a protective order...just walk in and do it...my lawyer thought I didn't need one and it would make me look bad filing for one...he was DEAD WRONG so I went against him and did it myself and it was ordered to me...and saved me all his legal fees. Stay safe, I'm glad to hear you have 2 big boys and an alarm. Hugs.
---
"I need a filter thru my thoughts and my fingers."
|
|
Nov/3/2009, 11:09 pm
|
|
muse314159
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 31
Karma: 0 (+0/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Have read so many posts on this forum and now I need help
Caw, good words from everyone. Big hugs and good luck to you - been there, done that although not nearly to the confrontational point that your STBXNH is doing.
One thing - his threat that he won't sign unless you return his calls. Don't know what it's like in your state, but in MO it doesn't matter if he signs or not. If he doesn't appear or doesn't sign, then it goes before the judge who decides the settlement and grants the divorce. Refusing to sign doesn't stop anything - might make it take a little longer, but doesn't stop anything.
Glad you have an attorney looking out for you - stay safe. Not to scare you, but put together a "Run Bag" like yesterday, especially since you have a little one still at home. If you have a friend closeby, stash a few days' of clothes, some cash, copies of important documents.
Get a safe deposit box with a friend as the other key-holder, and put all important documents in, along with more cash.
Get a post office box at a mail store like the UPS Store (not the Post Office - they won't accept packages from FedEx, UPS, etc). Use that box for all correspondence from your attorney, bank statements, any financial or private stuff. File a change of address to the new box - you can change it back after divorce is final. Get a locking mailbox on your house. AGain, get an extra key to post office box and entrust to a friend.
Get a cashiers check made out to yourself in some large-ish amount (whatever a weeks worth of hotel and travel would be). Keep it either on you at all times, or in the safe deposit box.
Keep an extra set of house keys, car keys, other important keys in your "Run Bag"
As awkward as it is, let your neighbors generally know what is going on. I lived in our home for 13 years before IdiotBoy moved out...and it was VERY messy. Neighbors were informed that he had left the home, we were in the process of getting a divorce, and to please freely report any suspicious activity even if it was a familiar face. Also were informed that he had no reason to return to the house when I wasn't there, and to please call suspicious vehicle in if he showed up. THey were all very kind and understanding, and we've grown closer over the last 4 years.
Talk to your child's school counselor, and let them know generally what is going on. Tell them you would like to be called immediately if there are any behavioral things they notice, or if your STBXNH attempts to remove the child from school.
Your attorney should be able to get temporary orders immediately to set visitation, medical decisions, freeze assets (QDRO), assign temporary occupancy of the house and court order for STBXNH to not be allowed to enter except with your approval and/or another person present. Get any assets you need free before getting the QDRO - I sold all my stock options, which helped immensely in paying attorney, child care expense, household maintenance, for the year of the proceedings when IdiotBoy thought he could strangle me financially. In the end, judge didn't award IdiotBoy any share of that because it was spent on what was considered mutual responsibilities. Had I left them, he would've gotten half of the cash value.
If STBXNH wants to remove personal articles, make a list of what he takes and request that he sign it. If he doesn't sign it, have the friend sign as a witness and note "Refused to Sign."
Get a storage unit and move any cherished items into it - mine trashed the house before he left, but thankfully a lot of things had been moved out in small loads (a couple boxes a day on my way to work), so he didn't destroy anything really meaningful.
Since STBXNH is out of your house, get a private appraisal done on the house now and make sure every dent, ding and leaky faucet is noted - in a depressed market, better you should be negotiating against a lower number in the settlement.
I also had a slacker ex who didn't work through most of the marriage - 16 jobs in 5 years, LOL. I held on until he got his MAsters and was in a school district for 3 consecutive years (sheer he**) before filing, because I knew that even on a middle manager's salary, IdiotBoy would ask for spousal support otherwise. As it was, it was bad enough to have to buy him out of the house I'd paid on pretty much alone for years. Worth it, but still angers me that my daughter's college fund basically went to her lazy, self-centered father.
Document, document, document. Every time IdiotBoy did or said anything, I sent an e-mail to myself. Kept all the e-mail exchanges sent by him, as well. It helped the attorney understand that IdiotBoy's public face was very different from his private one, and she adjusted her arguments accordingly.
Consider buying your attorney William Eddy's "Splitting: Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist." Divorcing an N is like nothing else on the planet - this book covers it all.
Change your beneficiaries now. You might not be able to on things like 401k's until the divorce is final, but on all other insurances, etc. you should be able to.
Consider a family therapist just for you and, possibly, for your daughter if necessary. If she is seeing a therapist BEFORE the divorce is final, he won't be able to object afterwards because it will be with an established provider. Also, showing the court and/or guardian ad litem (if you get one) that you are proactively managing both the legal and emotional sides of divorce, it can work in your favor.
If the minor child is yours and his, also start asking friends and family if they would be willing to write letters regarding your parenting skills. Keep track of appts and activities that you take child to, etc. and what STBXNH is and is not involved in or shows up for.
There's probably a million more things - but take care of yourself and your kids. Hang in there - it's really much, much better on the other side of the fence with no Ns!
~Muse
|
|
Nov/3/2009, 11:48 pm
|
|
Cawbird
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 09-2009
Posts: 29
Karma: 0 (+0/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Have read so many posts on this forum and now I need help
Thank you all again for taking the time to respond.
My children were from previous marriages to XNH's. Thought God had sent me my current one as a gift for all the physical and emotional abuse I went through with my last XNH. I was a PRIME CANDIDATE for this guy, 4 months out of my previous marriage, lots of money, no ability to say "no". I am an enabler with a capital "E". He quit his job a month into our relationship, was going to lose his house in foreclosure (I wrote him a $65,000 check to save it...which he did repay as soon as the house sold) and if it hadn't been for me, he wouldn't have the little money he has now from the sale. A "thank you"? NOPE...it was treated as if I never helped him at all, didn't count. Only things he did for me mattered and were highlighted. I was smart enough NOT to put him on title to my house, cars, investment accounts, which we fought over constantly as I didn't make him feel like a "husband or a man" by not letting him have complete control over what I had. I was ALWAYS in trouble because I had more than him...it was a no win situation financially because I would have always had more than he did but his verbal and emotional punishments had me begging and crying and apologizing for making him not feel like a "husband or a man". Even during those times I STILL didn't allow him to get his hands on anything I had!
As I live on 5 acres, and don't really know my neighbors, when he left 3 months ago, he went to neighbors close to me and, being the "victim" he portrays himself as, told them I was abusive to him and I was mentally unstable and he was leaving to "save his life". Didn't mention I had kicked him out of course but now these neighbors look at me as I drive by like I'm some deranged psycho...OMG! And the fact that they are SOOOOO believable is what's most frightening.
This guy is not done with me yet. I knew my going NC would freak him out but not to this degree. Demanding of my attorney that I return his calls is crazy but, incredibly scary at the same time. An amazing sense of entitlement, like my attorney, who knows all about N's, would let me do that. Why the hell would I call him back? To be demeaned and belittled, punished....one last "verbal reaming" for being naughty????
I do have protection here at my house which I will not hesitate to use if he enters my home. It's just that the unknown is so scary and I truly don't know what he has up his sleeve.
|
|
Nov/4/2009, 6:19 am
|
|
Had Enough9
Administrator
Global user
Registered: 10-2008
Posts: 1069
Karma: 34 (+34/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Have read so many posts on this forum and now I need help
Hi Caw,
You sound like you are strong and very together in protecting yourself.
I think that one thing we all have to face, which is harder than facing the n damage is the "why" we were enablers and "how" can we stop that pattern in our lives.
My family of origin (foo) was very damaging to me, and I had to become a people pleaser as a young child in order to survive. I was also an enabler.
I did tons of therapy over a 20+ period to get over all of this. I don't know if I will ever be totally over it, however, I am more self aware about my compulsions and actions.
You sound like you have the means and resources to financially and physically get over this horror you have gone through, and the strength to face the reasons of why it happened. You sound very self aware too.
I become angry just reading about this selfish sick pig you were with. Brings out some violent thoughts too! Like I wish your sons could have some fun hurting him. The best way though is through the courts.
How long were you married to him?
I wouldn't offer to pay him anything. He got enough money from you while he was with you. The money door needs to be well closed for him. If you offer him anything, it won't be enough. He will never stop.
The n's feel entitled to anything another person has. They have no empathy. He would take every last cent you have, and then walk away with another woman who had money right in front of your face, and laugh at you while you cried.
My children celebrated when I left the xnh. He was the father of two of them. Luckily I haven't had to see him in 18 months because he lives in Europe.
I am glad that you don't have a child with this man. The child would turn into his "cash cow", and he would probably fight you for custody and child support.
Well, good luck and I hope you can finalize your divorce soon without his signature.
Hugs,
Had Enough
|
|
Nov/4/2009, 10:20 am
|
|
Cawbird
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 09-2009
Posts: 29
Karma: 0 (+0/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Have read so many posts on this forum and now I need help
Had Enough,
Funny, I guess I sound pretty together but inside I am a quivering bowl of jello. I didn't sleep last night, fearful of what today will hold for me. I'm truly not having a hard time with NC but it's the thoughts of him with another woman, saying the same things to her as he did to me, having sex, etc. THAT is what screws me up.
As for being strong? 5 weeks ago I tried to kill myself by taking an overdose of pills. My NH happened to be at my house, begging to move back in, spewing his undying love for me...blah, blah, blah. While I THOUGHT I really did want him to move back and remain married, I think deep, deep down inside me I felt it was not what I wanted and I had been through so much bull**** with him already that I could not do it again. And I didn't have the ability to say no to him. It was stupid for me to do, and I will NEVER try anything like that again...I have my children to live for and I have ME to live for. He had just gotten me to the point where I didn't know if I was coming or going, making his usual sarcastic remarks hidden behind a smile, holding me in his arms while telling me how I needed to "change" and let him be the "husband" so he could make all the decisions for our lives......OMG!
I am so much better now, seeing a great therapist, on medication and FIERCELY having NC....I am still scared, I sleep a lot (which makes me feel like a slug) but I can only do the best I can do for right now. Taking it one day at a time.....
|
|
Nov/4/2009, 10:50 am
|
|
warkittens
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 981
Karma: 78 (+78/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Have read so many posts on this forum and now I need help
quote:
Cawbird wrote:
I was a PRIME CANDIDATE for this guy, 4 months out of my previous marriage, lots of money, no ability to say "no". I am an enabler with a capital "E". He quit his job a month into our relationship, was going to lose his house in foreclosure (I wrote him a $65,000 check to save it...which he did repay as soon as the house sold) and if it hadn't been for me, he wouldn't have the little money he has now from the sale. A "thank you"? NOPE...it was treated as if I never helped him at all, didn't count. Only things he did for me mattered and were highlighted. I was smart enough NOT to put him on title to my house, cars, investment accounts, which we fought over constantly as I didn't make him feel like a "husband or a man" by not letting him have complete control over what I had. I was ALWAYS in trouble because I had more than him...it was a no win situation financially because I would have always had more than he did but his verbal and emotional punishments had me begging and crying and apologizing for making him not feel like a "husband or a man".
Hi cawbird,
Well-YIKES. What a story.
I hate to tell you this but it sounds to me like this guy had nothing but $$$$$$$$$$$$$ on his mind when he hooked up with you.
In other words, he targeted you-he is a predator, he is a con man, he is not merely a narcissist-he is a sociopathic nightmare who married you to get his hands on your money, simple as that. He did and does not care one iota for you, not one rat's @ss-he is not capable.
I think you wiill be making a big mistake if you think of this as a marriage or a relationship. You thought it was a marriage and you thought what happened in it was part of a "relationship" but everything he told you, did to you, all the angst he put you through, all the lovey dovey stuff, all the intense criticixm, all the malarky- the utter cr@p about feeling like the "husband,, the "man" was all a con. He manipulated you like a piece of putty in his hand.
He had one thought in mind and that is your money-he wanted to get his hands on your money, your bank accounts, your investments, your house-EVERYTHING.
Do you get this, cawbird. Don't waste your time thinking about him with another woman or if he is saying this or that to her.
Instead thank your utter lucky stars, the good Lord above, whatever that you had the good sense, the intuitive "instinct for self-preservation" to not get totally caught up in this guy's grasp because he would have taken you to the total cleaners and then dumped your carcass along the highway like a piece of litter.
No lie-look, he tried to make you look crazy to your neighbors and your shrink to have you COMMITTED so he could take over your estate-get it??? Holy cow. This guy plays hardball.
So-not to beat the point to death-but you have gotten a lot of great advice here from the others on how to protect yourself.
PLEASE DO- PROTECT YOURSELF FROM THIS HIDEOUS PREDATOR. Make sure he does not get his mitts on one thin dime of your assets. If you need a restraining order, get one. Get away from him. The idea of a "run bag" sounds like a very good one. Who knows what he is capable of pulling.
Don't grieve this guy. He is a pirate, a plunderer-he was not a husband, he preyed on you and you were his target.
Since you were only married for two years-could you get an annulment on the basis that he entered this marriage on false premises? It seems to me with all the evidence you have kept (e-mails of seduction and abuse etc.)that you could easily make a case for that. As for any kind of support for him-well, excuse me-you were only married for two years and all the assets were already yours. Btw- you were lucky he paid back that $65,000 for his house. Ladies -Never do that-please-don't take my word for it, ask Suzy Orman. I have to say I think his paying that back was part of his con-so you would trust him because he thought it was like a down payment, in investment, on much bigger cash. Sneaky, huh?
He doesn't deserve on any basis one little nickel from you, protect yourself, don't grieve for him, you are so lucky to have escaped-what a scary story-you dodged a bullet here. Good for you, Now take care and avoid him like the ebola virus because that is what he really is. a toxic, flesh-eating killer.
|
|
Nov/4/2009, 1:03 pm
|
|
Cawbird
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 09-2009
Posts: 29
Karma: 0 (+0/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Have read so many posts on this forum and now I need help
Warkittens....just like everyone else here, I feel like SUCH A FOOL for believing his lies and for allowing myself to be twisted and turned until I didn't know which side was up. My heart is broken, he's left me as an empty shell...for now. I have no energy/motivation to do anything so I lay on my couch like a slug. Every once in awhile I get a "spark of myself" but it goes away quickly. At least I know "I'm" somewhere inside and he didn't take THAT from me. I know I will get back to who I am but really wish it was sooner than later!! I truly am taking it one day at a time.
I'm embarrassed but I met him on Match.com, which I now know is a predator's dream. Really good-looking, obsessed with his body...textbook. He swept me off my feet. We were only married 15 months so he may fancy himself entitled to everything I have but I hope that won't be the case. Just found out he told my attorney that I offered him money to marry me....WTF! What a slap in my face, how hurtful. ALL the constant blame, I could never do anything right in his eyes yet...he loved me and couldn't live without me. I KNOW I need to erase those thoughts and memories from my mind as they were simply a mirage and I'm trying my best. Sometimes I envision his car wrapping around a tree at a high speed...not nice I know, but it helps alleviate the pain he left behind. Seems I just can't get it together right now and that frustrates me...but I know in the end, I will be back to my happy, friendly self and he'll still be the lying, pathetic, user that he is.
Thank you for your kind words. P.S. as I was writing this he just called on my home phone...THAT **** is what drives me crazy but at the same time gives me the strength and anger I need to pull out of this.
|
|
Nov/4/2009, 3:28 pm
|
|
warkittens
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 981
Karma: 78 (+78/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Have read so many posts on this forum and now I need help
Hi cawbird,
You were not a fool. True you were vulnerable because you were coming out of a divorce. But so is everyone in that situation and most people do some crazy thing or two in those first days.
You have to understand-this guy is what you could call a "pro." I don't mean that he has bilked a bunch of other women, although I wouldn't rule that out. (How much do you really know about his past, btw?) But that the way he targeted you, manipulated you, pulled your strings. These kind of people have spent a life time playing with people this way-that's what I mean as being a pro. It's their bread and butter, their modus operandi. So don't blame yourself. You are a normal person-he is a sociopath.
Of course you are "laid low" by this-who wouldn't be? Who ever expects to actually encounter this kind of guy-like you see in a movie on the Lifetime channel-or on 20/20-something like that. A con artist. Someone should kick his @ss.
Anyway-you take good care of yourself and be gentle. This has been a painful experience obviously but in a little while it will come to you how lucky you are to be away from him- I'm not trying to scare you but just consider if you had turned everything over to him by "joint ownership." Who's to say you wouldn't then after a time had a very unfortunate accident? You know?
|
|
Nov/4/2009, 9:53 pm
|
|
Add a reply
Page: 1 2
|
You are not logged in (login)
Board's time is: Dec/1/2009, 8:13 am
|
|
|
