Page: 1 2
lilyofthevalley3
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2009
Posts: 278
Karma: 8 (+8/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Somatic or cerebral? and how to get over the OW and him together.
I've been thinking of this for a while. I've written many emails to the OW only to save them as drafts and not send them. Is it a bad idea to warn her of his NPD? At least if she doesn't believe me she can look it up and inform herself about what to watch for. Should I just let it go.
---
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. -Wayne Dyer
|
|
Nov/7/2009, 1:10 pm
|
|
Echo4
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 1938
Karma: 127 (+127/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Somatic or cerebral? and how to get over the OW and him together.
Hi Lily,
The N I was with also had both Somatic and Cerebral traits and to this day I cannot define him as one or the other.
He was very into his body and appearance and the way he dressed etc but also equally wanting to appear as an intellectual and know it all.
According to Sam Vakin's book it is possible for an N to have both traits or just one or the other. I personally think they all have both but one treat is more dominant.
Try not to think of the N in terms of him being with another woman and him sharing things with her on a level of anything resembling intimacy or containing any type of feeling on his part.
It is extremely important for us to understand the nature of this beast to avoid further hurt and destruction. Everything they do is motivated by the need for narcissistic supply. This is the only thing that matters to them, I repeat, the only thing that matters to them. Anyone who is unfortunate enough to become involved with an N is seen only as an object of supply by the N and absolutely nothing more. His new woman is a victim just as you were and will never be loved and will never be valued but she will be used envied, drained and eventually discarded.
She will be hurt and unfortunately probably will never know what happened and will not recognize that she was victimized by a narcissist. Instead she will torture herself and wonder what she did wrong and she will be shocked at the heartlessness of the discard and the knowledge that she never mattered to him.
This is the cycle of the Ns life. It never changes or varies only the victims do.
Hugs
Echo
---
Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -- Dr. Seuss
|
|
Nov/7/2009, 1:24 pm
|
|
HearMeRoar1
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 1591
Karma: 32 (+32/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Somatic or cerebral? and how to get over the OW and him together.
Don't feel the need to warn her, Lil. She will show him & then they will both make you out to be a crazy. You just have to leave them both be, hard as that is. I still want to tell OW (now Mrs. N) stuff anonymously, but in my heart of hearts, it's not because I care about her & want her warned, it's because I want him to fall flat on his ass & I want to see them split. I will likely always want that. So there's simply no good reason for contact with either one of them. Don't bother, she won't believe you anyway.
|
|
Nov/7/2009, 2:24 pm
|
|
alamobelle3
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 814
Karma: 46 (+46/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Somatic or cerebral? and how to get over the OW and him together.
Leave the OW alone - your intentions may be pure but this will blow up in your face big time
He is idealizing her as he did you until he had you and dropped the mask
You would not have believed anyone and neither will she
You have yourself and your kids to rescue and save that is enough on your plate
Get over any jealousy about the NW too
She is not getting the good that was denied
you - THERE IS NO GOOD as your scars and bruises prove and she will also get them
but you will never convince her of that now.
Him having her just might save you from being terrorized stalked hoovered and
other unpleasant things
She is not the problem His mental illness
is - his abusive personality is the
thing that is wrong here
We often focus somewhere else because
we are overwhelmed and somewhat in denial
of the mess we are in . Concentrate your
efforts into things that will benefit you
and the kids.
Our energy is finite and we need all of
it to get away and to recover .
I know this is hard but you must try
every single moment of the day to
focus on you and the kids not him and
what he is doing .
Pull the blinders off and see the big
picture - he will have lots of NW
none of his relationships will last
though some may endure longer than
we would like. FORGET ABOUT IT
They will all be unhealthy and
abusive that is the only tune he knows
and will ever know .
You can do this ......
|
|
Nov/7/2009, 2:41 pm
|
|
alamobelle3
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2008
Posts: 814
Karma: 46 (+46/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Somatic or cerebral? and how to get over the OW and him together.
One person can not have a marriage. It requires two people committed to the bond.
Everyone remembers the duties of a wife as defined in the bible but husbands also have duties which are often not discussed or ignored. Affairs and verbal emotional abuse violate the parameters of marriage as defined by GOD.
When the duties are ignored and they are not
living in the faith you believe in - you have a moral obligation to get away from them.
If you are a parent it is unacceptable to
present this example of marriage for your children.
When you are being physically abused - it is
an automatic deal breaker . Neither God or
anyone on earth can condone staying married under those conditions under any circumstances.
With no conscience and no empathy this goes
way beyond an illness. Its a disregard for
the rights and needs of others to the exclusion of obtaining their wants regardless of the consequences. Its being morally
bankrupt, its allowing thoughts to become deeds and that is only limited by what they
believe they can get away with. When they decide they are smarter than police and foresnic labs someone is likely to loose their life.
They arent just lacking, they arent handicapped, they are BROKEN and there is no fixing them. They leave a trail of heartache in their paths and no one with a lick of common sense would ever suggest let alone encourage continued contact. Its very bad advice and goes against what God wants for us.
This man will continue to harm you, for your
own well being go No Contact and recover
from the damage he has already inflicted upon you. You deserve better and you are
stronger than you know.
|
|
Nov/7/2009, 2:58 pm
|
|
lilyofthevalley3
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2009
Posts: 278
Karma: 8 (+8/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Somatic or cerebral? and how to get over the OW and him together.
I guess I know what I should do. I don't need to contact the OW. You're right she won't believe me. I remember when I first met the N. We had only been together a few weeks but I would travel to another state nearly every weekend for a long weekend to visit him. The first time I met his grandma she looked at me and said "You may think he's nice now, but wait til you see his temper". I thought maybe he had a temper with other people, but he felt different about me. He loves me with all his heart and I am his soulmate. It only took a couple of months but boy did I witness that temper she was talking about.
---
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. -Wayne Dyer
|
|
Nov/7/2009, 3:24 pm
|
|
tourmaline
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 12-2008
Posts: 831
Karma: 10 (+10/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Somatic or cerebral? and how to get over the OW and him together.
So, there you go, lily.
Already, OW will know that she's "different" from you; "special" in a way you never were; "helpful" to him instead of troublesome and mean, like you..... geddit?
She thinks she "knows" him, and she doesn't know you at all. So, it takes no figuring that in this story she's going to believe the Narrator... the N.
Time and experience will show her, and there's nothing you can do about that except start writing/speaking to her and get yourself triangulated voluntarily.
Nah. You're too smart for that.
Put a big red bow on his head and hand him over: a present from you.
You have yourself and your children to think of. Don't dig in any deeper than you already have. Get clear of him as quickly as you're able, lily, and don't let him lasso you to anyone anywhere for any reason!
love, tourmaline x 
|
|
Nov/7/2009, 3:34 pm
|
|
Had Enough9
Administrator
Global user
Registered: 10-2008
Posts: 1069
Karma: 34 (+34/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Somatic or cerebral? and how to get over the OW and him together.
Hi Lily,
I hear and understand the torment you are putting yourself through and why. I have been in your shoes in the past.
You are still hoping and trying in any way you can to have some kind of control in this whole drama, when you don't have any control at all over the Nh and the ow. The only person you can control is you.
No matter what you do or say, there is one thing that will remain constant. He is a narcissist and an abuser.
If you could get him back, you would be beaten and verbally abused again and again. Your children would have to live under the stress of their mother being abused and not defending herself, and the stress of walking on eggshells when the nh was around. My kids did this, and they paid a severe emotional toll from it.
Five years post xnh, the children are happy and doing well at school. I have remarried a lovely non-N man who never causes any chaos and drama. I am cherished.
You can be too if you get away from this lying, abusive, nasty, cheating jerk who thinks he is a gift to the Universe.
Doing NC is not a punishment, it is a protection for you.
You absolutely can do NC right now. You will have to see him in court. This is not really contact. You can block his calls and insist that if he has anything about the children to communicate, e mail you. Otherwise, you will see him on Tuesday, don't call again.
He has you enmeshed in his little drama, and you believe that you can influence him with the OW. You can't.
What you can do is to take back your personal power, and let him have his.
Lily, I know I sound like I am lecturing, however, I have been right there with one who could have been your stbxnh's twin.
I wanted to do all those things too. I did some of them and it didn't work. Nothing worked because he is disordered. The OW could have cared less about what I thought.
Don't make a fool of yourself by contacting her.
What I always tell everyone on here is that you have to take the focus off the N, as in: what is he doing, thinking ,will do, feeling, acting like, etc....and very strongly put that focus on you and your children and creating a new life for yourselves. Once you can do that, you will become much stronger against him and will then have a chance at true love and happiness. If you ever want revenge on him, then happiness is really the best revenge.
The xnh was basically cerebral, however, as most cerebrals, he could appear somatic from time to time, especially when he was in the throes of a new affair, or trying to hoover me back into the relationship.
The only way you will have a chance to get over him and the ow is to enforce NC right now, and hold to it. You will see him about the children on Tuesday, and then again perhaps in court. Otherwise, do not contact him or allow him to contact you. Saying you will wait until Tuesday is an excuse. If he doesn't show, get an attorney and you can use his no show to your advantage.
I want to re-emphasize that if you can get a lawyer, do it. Of course the stbxnh doesn't want you to have one. He wants it to go all his way and that ups his odds if you don't have one.
Gather your personal power into yourself. Stay strong and focused on getting away and over this man, and hold it in. Don't let yourself scatter emotionally until you are alone and know you won't contact him.
Thank the OW that she has taken this abuser out of your sight. She will get hers, it is guarenteed. As soon as he "has" her, he will abuse her, just like he did to you.
I hope some of this helps. I have been on this and the old forum for about 6 years now, and this formula always works if you stick with it.
Big hugs,
Had Enough
|
|
Nov/7/2009, 4:35 pm
|
|
lilyofthevalley3
Registered user
Global user
Registered: 11-2009
Posts: 278
Karma: 8 (+8/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Somatic or cerebral? and how to get over the OW and him together.
All your advice has helped so much. Thank you all. Sometimes I feel so childish about this whole thing. Its like I'm a teenager again. He makes me feel as if I've gone crazy. NC is the best way to handle this situation. I just cannot do it until Tuesday. There's no appointment with anyone he's just meeting me at the child support office out of his own free will so I don't want to push him away. I need the child support desperately. He makes very good money and I currently don't have a job because he wanted me to be a stay at home mom and not have a career. So I start nursing school in January, I will be able to make it with student loans and child support. No worries though, I believe he is at the OWs house now (even though he denies it) and he usually leaves me alone when he's with her.
---
When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. -Wayne Dyer
|
|
Nov/7/2009, 5:23 pm
|
|
Had Enough9
Administrator
Global user
Registered: 10-2008
Posts: 1069
Karma: 34 (+34/-0)
|
|
Reply | Quote
|
|
Re: Somatic or cerebral? and how to get over the OW and him together.
Hi Lily,
Nursing school is wonderful! You will have a super career afterwards.
You are not being a teenager. You have been abused by a disordered man, and the way they gaslight and abuse causes us to doubt ourselves and reality.
You are doing great. Thank goodness you are rid of this creature.
Don't let him hoover you and keep a triangle going, using both you and the OW for narcissistic source.
You are in charge of your life now. You are back. He is out.
Life will be so much better soon.
Big hugs,
Had Enough
|
|
Nov/7/2009, 6:23 pm
|
|
Add a reply
Page: 1 2
|
You are not logged in (login)
Board's time is: Nov/30/2009, 6:47 pm
|
|
|
