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Re: Stop Going Back to An Abuser
Stop Going Back to An Abuser
How to Stop Going Back to the Narcissistic Emotional Abuser
By Ruth E David
The answer to your "How" might well come from your answer to "Why."
If you've had the unfortunate experience to have crossed paths with a narcissistic emotional abuser and worse yet, to have fallen in love with a narcissistic emotional abuser, then you have asked yourself no less than many, many times, "Why do I keep going back?" Through the course of going back and forth and in and out of the "craziness," you've no doubt rationalized numerous thoughts. "I'm stronger now. I won't fall for them like I did before. I won't cry this time. I won't be hurt like I was before. Just maybe they really mean it this time. I'll twist their head around and mess with them for once." However, assuredly, you were hurt once again. You were betrayed once again. And, they did not change, once again.
You look in the mirror and ask yourself, once again, "Why on Earth do I keep going back?" I know what I know. I didn't grow to love this person because they treat me like I am important and special in their life. I fell in love almost instantaneously and can truly say they are the love of my life, yet none of what is happening to me makes any sense at all. I know they cheat and lie and if anyone else in my life did these things to me I'd walk away so fast they'd be blown over by the back draft. I know I'm being emotionally abused and I know their behaviors are completely narcissistic. I know all this because I've been spending years researching and reading trying to figure out what is happening to me. I know the person who makes me feel like they're the love of my life is undoubtedly a narcissistic emotional abuser. The worst of the emotional abusers, yet I continue to go back. I don't want to go back, but I do. "Why do I keep going back?"
One answer to your "why" is because you are choosing to not believe what you already know. There is a huge difference between what you know and what you believe. Does a police officer know there is risk involved in their daily routine or do they believe there is risk involved in their daily routine? They believe there is risk and prepare accordingly. If you truly believed you were at risk of causing yourself further emotional pain by going back to the narcissistic emotional abuser, you would prepare accordingly. If you truly believed that there was a risk that the next time you went back to the narcissistic emotional abuser that the cliff they lead you to wanting to jump off, that this time you just might not have the strength to turn back from, then you would choose accordingly. Every time you go back to the narcissistic emotional abuser, you are at risk. Your emotional well-being is at risk and if you really believed that, you would choose accordingly.
Another answer to your "why" is because you want to believe in the human capacity to change. This person that you fell in love with is not "all" bad in your eyes. You understand where they've come from and what has happened to them in their lives (if what they've told you has any truth to it, however, they are so convincing that regardless if what they've told you is truth, you at least are thinking it's the truth). You are hoping they have changed. You are hoping they have realized their wrongs and have made a commitment to change to be a better person, kinder and more respectful to you and the surrounding world. In the situation of dealing with a narcissistic emotional abuser, it is important to remember a simple fact of life. Yes, a human can make a decision to change, but as assuredly as they can make a decision to change in one direction, therein lies the possibility of changing back to where they were before making the change.
The second answer to your "why" will perhaps lead you to your monumental final last "why" and, thus, to your "how." "Why do I want to risk wasting any more of my precious life's time hoping the narcissistic emotional abuser will some day get it? Why do I want to risk wasting any more of my life hoping they will someday see my value?" I know I have value. Other people see I have value.
Time waits for no one. This is a life fact. You are not promised tomorrow. You have but this moment. You can choose to BE with those that value you or you can choose to be with the narcissistic emotional abuser that MIGHT someday learn to value you. Either decision is yours as time passes on. Time waits for no one.
Sep/21/2012, 6:08 pm
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