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Joseap84
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Jokes!!!
NEW OFFICE POLICY
Dress Code:
-You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
- If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
- If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
- If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
- We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
- Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
- This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee
involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
- Entirely too much time is being spent on the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,
an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders"
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the
company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
- Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to
eat more, so that they can look healthy.
- Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
- Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all
the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive
employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be
directed elsewhere.
The Management
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12/31/2006, 11:16 pm
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samjames
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Re: Jokes!!!
 
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1/1/2007, 7:47 am
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Joseap84
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Re: Jokes!!!
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.".
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1/2/2007, 10:03 am
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samjames
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Re: Jokes!!!
I don't think i get it. 
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1/2/2007, 5:37 pm
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VintageRock
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Registered: 08-2006
Location: Frolicking in Sherwood Forest
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Re: Jokes!!!
quote:
joseap84 wrote:
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.".
lmfao!
---
"Everything is a choice, everything we do."
-- Robin Hood BBC
"Those who do not work shall not eat."
-- John Smith
~Get the Door - It's Halloween.~
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1/2/2007, 6:41 pm
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Dudellen
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Registered: 09-2006
Location: In Love Forever
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Re: Jokes!!!
My son and Santa Claus have been pen pals every Christmas since he first learned to write. Traditionally, letters to Saint Nick are stuffed in the stockings hanging over the wood stove we call our "fireplace," and are answered via the same mysterious process that allows the jolly old elf to descend down a six-inch stove pipe every Christmas Eve.
Here is this year's exchange:
Dear Santa:
For Christmas this year I would like a guinea pig. I have other stuff I want, but I wanted to get the guinea-pig request in early.
Signed, the Best Boy in the World
Dear Best Boy:
You are not getting a guinea pig. Are you forgetting what happened to the goldfish you had, and also to the mice you were given for your birthday? Please ask for something reasonable, like a new rake to help your father in the yard. That request I can fill immediately.
Dear Santa:
Well the directions never said you can't take goldfish into the bathtub with you so how was I supposed to know? And the thing with the mice was not my fault, it was the cat's fault.
I also want a go-cart.
Dear Pet Boy:
Surely you knew that sitting on the fish would not be good for them. And I hardly think the cat can be blamed for its instinctive pursuit of the mice once you left the cage door open. I'm sorry, but you may have no more rodents, and that's final.
Regarding your new request: You have already demonstrated an unnerving tendency to succumb to the gravitational pull of the earth, hurling yourself headfirst off of your bicycle and your skate board. A go-cart would merely accelerate this process. How about instead of a go-cart you get a wheelbarrow to help haul the leaves you'll be raking.
Dear so-called Santa:
A guinea pig is not a rodent, it is a member of the pork family.
How about you get me a little trailer for my go-cart and I'll haul leaves in that.
Plus I also want a drum set.
Oh, and I think you should know, my dad is not using the exercise bike you got him last Christmas. I guess it goes against his instinctive pursuit of getting fat.
Dear Drummer Boy:
No pigs of any kind, including those related to rats. No catapulting yourself headfirst from a go-cart into the emergency room. No banging on drums, or doing anything to create any noise except the sounds of yard work.
And your father is planning on starting his exercise program just as soon as his schedule settles down.
Dear Saint Nick Picker:
Well excuse me for thinking that Christmas was for something besides better homes and gardens.
If I can't have a go-cart, I want a snowmobile.
Oh, and I think you'd better take another look at my dad: All he has on his schedule is watching TV and drinking beer. If he settles down any more, he's going to slide off of his chair and onto the floor. The only way to tell that he's still alive is by his belches.
Dear Incorrect Boy:
Your father works hard and occasionally takes in a game on TV to relax. There is nothing wrong with this.
And a snowmobile? Are you crazy? Not only are they dangerous, do you have any idea how much a snowmobile costs? Please pick something affordable.
Dear Santa Flaws:
Well why do you care what it costs? I thought you had a bunch of dwarfs working for you who built everything in your workshop.
If I can't have a guinea pig I want a monkey.
Dear Boy:
A monkey? You cannot have a monkey.
Dear Chris Crumple:
I'm the only kid in my school without a pet.
But Son,
I refuse to believe anybody in your school has a monkey. It is illegal.
Dear Santa Laws:
Well then can I have a guinea pig?
Dear Son:
Well... we'll see.
--- "IM WILD FOREVER, FOREVER IN LOVE,"
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1/3/2007, 2:18 am
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Dudellen
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posts: 506
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Re: Jokes!!!
A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and
the only one available was wildlife Zoology.
After one week, a test was held.The professor passed out a sheet of paper
divided into four squares. In each square was a carefully drawn picture of
a bird's legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs. The test asked each student
to identify the birds from their legs. The student sat and stared at the
test getting angrier every minute.
Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on
the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever given."
The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have flunked the test.
What's your name?"
The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said:
"You tell me..."
--- "IM WILD FOREVER, FOREVER IN LOVE,"
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1/3/2007, 2:20 am
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Joseap84
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Re: Jokes!!!
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1/3/2007, 8:03 am
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