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Blue Jeanz

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Registered: 04-2006
Location: Pennsylvania, USA
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Pooping at work - Warning lots of graphic references to poop and farts.

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the
WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at
work, the following is the survival guide for taking a
dump at the office.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast
around the office so the smell is not in your area and
everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it
came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop
until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra
30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping.Walk in and check for other poopers. If there
are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going
into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out
at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect
of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the
instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the
amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing
the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to
the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.
This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be
minimized with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at
work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an
Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look
around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper
before entering the bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you
are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be
used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential
Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a
stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing
incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a
series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often
accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with
an Astaire.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front
of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

9/14/2007, 8:43 pm

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