Orionbloodscale
Master Mystia
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Registered: 10-2006
Location: Anywhere...
Scrolls: 306
Karma: 4 (+5/-1)
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 Chapter 1:The rip in time.
Ping ping ping. The soda machine made noises as a soda came out. Kieth grabbed the soda and walked off.
Kieth handed his friend the soda. "Thanks, I owe ya one." He said. He hopped on a bike and rode off.
"See ya George." Kieth called after him. Kieth turned around to walk up the hill and home. Kieth was a young man of 15. He had emerald green eyes and messy jet black hair. He wore a simple red t-shirt and blue jeans. Kieth was carrying a backpack with supplies.
He walked for hours through forest and canyon until he stopped at a large cave. He needed to rest for the night and this was the only place to be. He set up camp and started a small campfire.
While Kieth was cooking, he heard a voice,"Hello" The voice said startling Kieth, "They will come, you will go. There is no escape." the voice was cold and chilling. Kieth was afraid.
"Care for a camp story?" Kieth jumped. Behind him stood a mountain native.
"S-sure," Kieth studdered. The man sat down on a stump.
"It began long ago..."
"Hurry," A man said jogging down a path, "We've got to alert the town." He ran up to a gaurd and whispered something into his ear. The gaurd ran off. In the castle the gaurd ran up to a gray king.
"Sir, the wizard has started his wrath and fury." The gaurd said gasping.
"We must retaliate," the old king ordered," send the three best squads for a sneak attack to the back of his shrine. While he is distracted at the front."
"Alright move out." The general ordered the troops. They snuck around the back of a large golden shrine. As they slowly approached the shrine they heard a sharp piercing scream, as a soilder fell down, dead. The warriors charged axe in hand, but they fell one by one struck by bolts of lightning.
"Pitiful." Said a dark voice ringing through the air...
"That was a great story!" Kieth exclaimed, but the native was gone.
The winds tore at the trees. Kieth shivered at the cool air around him. His luggage was blown away by the storm. He was forced into the cave. When inside started to remake a camp of what luggage he still had. "Start," he ordered a small flame,"start."
The air calmed. The fire was blown out. The only source of light came from deeper in the cave. He walked deep inside. After a while he came to a strange area. Odd heiyroglyphics were carved along the walls. Kieth walked to the middle of the room carefully. It was there that it happened.
"It wasnt my past I was telling," said a voice behind Kieth. He jumped, then turned slowly. The mountain native stood there."It was yours."
"W-what?!," Kieth studdered. But again the man was gone.
A large vortex opened before him. It was purple and silver. It drew him in like a magnet."You've been caught off gaurd," a dark voice whispered in Kieth's head,"there is no chance of escape, unless you fulfill the prophecy, and obtain the Orb."
Kieth blasted through space and time, until he landed, somewhere in nothingness.
Last rewritten by Orionbloodscale, 11/25/2006, 8:18 pm
---  AzradROM
All will soon be lost... |
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11/16/2006, 4:54 pm
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Phaetova
Sub-Wizard
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Registered: 04-2006
Scrolls: 65
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Re: Chapter 1:The rip in time.
Hi again!
Again you have really captured the reader's interest in what is going to happen next, but I two have two small suggestions.
First, regarding this part:
quote:
"It began long ago..."
"Hurry," A man said jogging down a path, "We've got to alert the town." He ran up to a gaurd and whispered something into his ear. The gaurd ran off. In the castle the gaurd ran up to a gray king.
I would just suggest a space after "long ago.." because it confused me for a moment. I thought the bit about the guard was the story Keith was being told.
My other suggestion was going to be that you actually include part of the story that the mountain man is telling before jumping to the man running down the path, but perhaps that would be a spoiler?
Last rewritten by Phaetova, 5/1/2007, 10:55 am
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5/1/2007, 10:54 am
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Orionbloodscale
Master Mystia
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Registered: 10-2006
Location: Anywhere...
Scrolls: 306
Karma: 4 (+5/-1)
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Re: Chapter 1:The rip in time.
yes, it was like that for a reason
--- AzradROM
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5/8/2007, 5:38 pm
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