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TexasMadness
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Major wedding/marriage faux pas...
Oops. I screwed up big time.
Chad and I pledged ourselves to each other last September 1st and considered ourselves married...as did the state of Texas through common law marriage. In our perfect scenario of things, that was all we needed and we didn't expect to get a marriage license.
Well, turns out people don't like common law marriages. My mom continued to refer to him as my boyfriend and anytime I said differently, she always told me that people expect you to be legally married if you say "husband" - she didn't care about common law at all or that it is a legally bond. It got me thinking about how much easier things would be if we did have a license (insurance, medical decisions, etc) so we decided we would get the paperwork out of the way and just do it. I told my mom, she said it was a good idea.
A few months later we went off to the county clerk to get the paper. Then you have to wait a few days to see the judge. We were in no hurry and even canceled an appointment due to feeling a little under the weather. I told my mom we had filed. Then all the scary medical stuff started happened to me and I figured that we should just get it signed - one less thing for me to worry about. We were at my parent's house that evening. I swear my mom was in the room when we were talking about it but apparently not.
So now it's more than a week later (I don't even remember the date of it - it was all a formality and held no significance to Chad or I) and my mom asks if we are going to get the license signed the day before the wedding since we aren't having an officiant. Uh oh.
Not only does she feel terribly hurt that she wasn't invited to the actual "ceremony" but she feels like it's a conspiracy to not tell her about it - especially when she asked my dad and he did know. She said it showed a lot about what I think of the relationship between myself and her. Sigh.
I completely take the blame for not making darn sure she knew it had happened. I don't know how that slipped. I've been telling her we're married for 6 months only to have her roll her eyes and then I don't do it when we have the paper that she thinks makes the marriage! I could really kick myself.
Having her there at the signing though I'm not sure about. She knew we were getting it done beforehand and she knew we had already started the process. I just wish she had once said she would like to be there. I should have known. I think it would have been weird for her to be there since, once again, it didn't mean anything to us, but I certainly would have had her come along if I had realized it meant so much to her.
She's usually not very rigid about the standard way to do things - hell, she had my oldest brother before they were married - so this whole thing has been strange for me. She wants me to do everything the way "everyone else" does it. Very odd. So now she's wondering why we are even having a wedding at all. What are we going to tell people? What will we celebrate as our anniversary (which, by the way, my parents can't actually remember the exact date of theirs!)? How are we going to explain to out of town guests that our wedding is "fake"? ARG!
My brother remembers my mom spazzing out about his wedding. They did the opposite - they forgot to get their license on time so their wedding was also "fake". Their marriage license is dated 2 weeks AFTER the fact.
But no matter how much I feel that this isn't a big deal, it is a big deal to my mom and that's what matters. I feel terrible. Really, really, terrible. I don't know what to do...
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3/10/2009, 3:01 pm
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Saijen SilverWolf
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Re: Major wedding/marriage faux pas...
Oh dear, Texas.
I don't really see how you can blame yourself, though. You have been under such a huge amount of stress with this heart business, you can't possibly be expected to keep up with everyone else and their where-abouts...even your mom.
You may have to take some time and sit down with just her....right off the bat tell her you love her and that you're sorry things got this crazy out of hand. Remind her that even though she doesn't feel that common law marriage is real, it's real to the state, and the state is where it matters on that one subject because of the legalities.
As for the signing, you may want to turn it on her just a smidge and remind her that she could have said something about wishing to be there when you signed the paperwork, and that you're sorry she didn't say anything, and even sorrier that YOU didn't say anything..that it was just one of those slip-ups that has no meaning behind it...it just happened. It has nothing to do with your relationship and had you realized she didn't know, you would have made sure she knew so she could be a part of it.
As for telling out of town guests that the wedding is 'fake'...why do they have to know one way or the other? You are simply doing a formality for family and friends, and if someone brings it up, simply state that that is what you are doing. Presenting a formal affair for those that can appreciate it, as well as for you and Chad.
Invite Mom over, Texas. And hopefully with your explanations, she'll feel better and so will you.
I'm so sorry that you're in a pickle about this. 
--- Blessed Be,
~*~ Saijen ~*~
~~*~~  .~~*~~ |
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3/10/2009, 6:15 pm
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Firlefanz
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Re: Major wedding/marriage faux pas...
I think that's good advice.
I can only imagine that your mother isn't happy about how she did things in hindsight, and wants you to be spared some "talk". She probably meant well in badgering you about the license. Love is a strong motivation, even if it's not always obvious.
*hugs*
I hope you can work it out. And you can always tap on that terrible feeling. 
--- - Firlefanz
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3/10/2009, 6:27 pm
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PerpetuallyCurious
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Re: Major wedding/marriage faux pas...
Send her a copy of your post?? Maybe if she reads what you have to say, she'll understand WHAT you've been saying better? 
I have no real advice, My mother and I don't get along so I do my own thing and she can think whatever she wants.
I'm sorry you're upset and sincerely hope things work themselves out quickly 
My curious nature speaking here, Do you intend to make Sept. 1st your anniversary then or this coming ceremony?
For the record, I agree. Papers are just papers, who cares.
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3/10/2009, 7:26 pm
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TexasMadness
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Re: Major wedding/marriage faux pas...
Thanks for the kind words everyone! My dad came over today to help get a few last minute things done before sheetrocking started. I had a real heart to heart with him today and it really helped me understand where my mom was coming from, as well as how he was feeling. I know my parents are not entirely thrilled about my life partner choice - they don't there's anything wrong with him, just don't see why I think he's "the one". Probably normal for a lot of parents to feel that way.
After the work session, I went and talked with my mom at her house. It was strained and weird. We actually had some business to talk about first (our goat who just had the kids has blind udders and we are trying to figure out what to do) so that was good to just break the ice. We talked for about 2 hours. She mostly feels hurt for me leaving her out of the loop - not necessarily intentionally, but it happened anyway. I completely understand. I think she is more comfortable with our idea that the legal piece of paper is what the state calls a marriage and our big celebration to announce it to our family is what we are calling the wedding. She is still hurt, but I no longer fear that she isn't going to show up for the wedding. I had nightmares last night.
As for the anniversary, we are going to do it similar to what we did the first time around. September 1st is going to be our romantic, private marking of the time we met, the anniversary of our private commitment to each other. The vernal equinox is a time when we have a celebration of life anyway and have a party so we will simply combine that as a wedding anniversary. I know, talk about milking it - we get two anniversaries a year!  When anniversaries start to matter to people (10, 25 years later) we might have settled on one "official" day but I kinda think we might be like my parents and even forget what happened on which day!
I can sleep better tonight. Now to deal with the latest neighborhood fiasco...
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3/11/2009, 1:36 am
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Saijen SilverWolf
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Re: Major wedding/marriage faux pas...
I'm glad things are somewhat calmed down, Texas. Sometimes I think we get so caught up in what's going on around us that we forget about someone else's 'take' on things and invariably, someone gets hurt, very unintentionally. I hope your mom understood just how unintentional it was, and that you were trying to do 'the right thing' according to the family's views.
Have fun on both anniversaries, when they come around...lol.
--- Blessed Be,
~*~ Saijen ~*~
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3/13/2009, 7:46 pm
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Fenyx
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Re: Major wedding/marriage faux pas...
Texas - I'm sorry I missed this earlier but I've been doing some hairy paperwork at work and haven't been on much of the forum for awhile.
I'm glad that you got things worked out.
But, us mom's are strange - I still feel slighted and hurt over my youngest's wedding. They pushed me out, told me that "mothers of the bride did not go to the bride and attendants lunch", etc. Didn't let me know anything about the flower, etc. None of the details that a Mom dreams of sharing with her daugher, the excitement of the next step in her life - so, she was looking to others and pushing me out -
I went on an out of state business trip the weekend of her big bridal shower. And it took 6 years before there was a way to explain the hurt to her.
I hope your Mom does not feel that pushed away feeling, but I do think that your talk with her and immediately after the hurt will be the part she remembers - that you cared enough to notice the hurt and did not mean to hurt her, just 'things happened'.
Have a wonderful 'Spring Wedding".
And I have a question. TX recognized the common law wedding, and you say you went and got the license signed. Is that all, or did you have to have the JP say 'words' over you to make it proper. I've always wondered if two people went to get the license, and all signed it and that's all if it was a marriage/wedding.
I'll be interested in your answer, when you have time.
Blessings on the wedding/party.
Fenyx
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3/15/2009, 3:21 am
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TexasMadness
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Re: Major wedding/marriage faux pas...
The declaration of informal marriage is just a signed piece of paper that you do at the county clerk - don't need a judge or anybody else. The marriage license could only be signed after a "ceremony". It was the usual "do you take, to have and to hold" thing but no mention of religion. Chad asked if we could just get it signed without the ceremony, but they looked at us funny and said they thought we had to have one, so we did!
My mom and I seem to be getting along just fine. We all had dinner tonight. She is helping with some last minute decisions tomorrow at the house as well. I think she was just temporarily shocked. I really do hope that the hurt healed as quickly as it seems to have. Or at least, she isn't letting it get in the way of getting the wedding off without a hitch and we can heal together afterwards. My mom and I are so close yet so different that it can be a hard relationship at times. Mostly wonderful, but the rough patches are REALLY rough!
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3/15/2009, 4:21 am
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TexasMadness
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Re: Major wedding/marriage faux pas...
Actually, Chad arranged more than half of the whole thing! Since he's in the wedding business (he does wedding videos), he had all the contacts and went from there. Got the bands, officiant, rental, etc. I worked with the caterer (friend of mine) and made all the fiddly decisions (colors, invitation design, handled RSVPs, etc). It's actually been pretty well divided and I simply cannot thank him enough! He even said he had fun doing it...made me worry a little...
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3/16/2009, 10:03 pm
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