Random thoughts on the shallow nature of humanity and my perceptions...
It's getting pretty bad these days, the way people treat other people. I find myself becoming increasingly introverted. I am truly tired of all the two-faced nature of humanity. I'd personally rather be all alone in a room with a radio than with people. I'd rather dance with no one around, I'd rather sit on the side of a mountain with a camera or journal and a cigar watching the sunset than have much of any human contact. It's getting very hard for me to try to get along with people who have made it quite obvious that they want nothing to do with me........or worse, to blatantly hurt me and watch me as I bleed.
I don't feel as though I belong anywhere. I have no real place in a crowd where I fit. I've always been a loner, and perhaps upon a lot of reflection I realize that's where I belong. I have a husband that loves me dearly, and I him, but I desire those times where I can bathe in my thoughts. I'm afraid sometimes he won't understand that he's done NOTHING wrong, but in my thoughts sometimes I find peace. In sitting alone by a lake or driving quietly in a car I can find contentment while I try to make sense of the thouts in my head. He told me tonight that sometimes he has a hard time understanding me, and I smiled at him. That's what everyone says, and I don't find offense in that, I really see where he's coming from really. Sometimes it's hard to understand myself as well.
I see myself in the jungle for some reason, I think about it a lot really. One of the main reasons I so long to go to school again next year to finish my degree is to be able to maybe have this thought quenched. If I could go there once, just having that honor of being able to help someone....even one person there, I know I'd be able to silence the dreams I have about this. It's a dream, maybe a naive one, but it would be such a rush to even be able to possibly have such a remote dream surface to reality.
I think about how much my husband has had to sacrifice to be with me, how far he came, how much he's endured with different situations and people, how he's so far from his family and friends, how HE probably feels so out of place...and it makes me sad to think I'm slowing him down from HIS dreams. The guilt sometimes consumes me. I wonder sometimes if he sees that in my eyes when he looks at me, when he makes love to me, when we're sitting quietly together or when we're talking about life. He tells me it's his choice, and I respect that, but I still can't help but wonder if he'd have it better if he could do what he wanted rather than what is necessary.
I guess it's because I'm a dreamer really. I am guilty of wanting things that sometimes are out of reach. Or maybe it's because society puts these blocks on us, warning us of the dangers of trying to do something which is out of the norm. I live in a stifling world, where women are expected to be treated like crap because for 5,000 years that's the way their Neanderthal husbands have gotten by with. Where for a woman to dream and to read and have her head in the clouds makes her a stranger in a crowd. Unaccepted. It's because despite trying to convince myself in depressing times........I still believe there's more than the ordinary.
I also believe it's because it's expected to have people treat you like dirt and you come back for more. I find myself bursting at the seams sometimes with society. The anger...I know it's not right, yet when people continuously treat me badly it becomes very hard for me to keep smiling at them. I'd rather leave the room than have to sit and smile at cruelty......and especially apathy. It's funny how people will see you with holes in your shoes and no money to buy some, yet they have 10 pairs in the closet and wouldn't offer you one if they had to. Yet they'll beg you for your last dollar and expect you to smile about it. Makes me sad to see what the world's becoming.
Marriages, farting and old flames, OH MY! Ha ha.
Random quote: “I know why the T-Rex was wiped out. The Ice Age came, and their arms were too short to knit sweaters. They were sitting there, thinking, “Crap, my arms are too short. ROAR! So….cold.” ----Craig Ferguson
Good golly, I need to get it over with and ask that man to marry me. Wonder what he would say? “Um, security?!?” What, what girl DOESN'T want a man who can make her laugh?
Current Mood: Awake
Today was fun, and disgusting. I’ve been trying for about eight days to get my scanner/printer combination to work, and frankly I just don’t see it happening. Throwing in the towel and realizing that it simply IS NOT going to work is probably the best thing at this juncture. I am not bitter, though. No sense in it, after all the thing did serve me well for like four years. That’s longer than the average marriage nowadays. Then again eight days is probably longer than some marriages, look at Britney Spears’ first drunken marriage. Heh.
So I can’t post any more pics on myspace for a while. I know, every one of you who may read this someday is secretly heartbroken. Try to contain your grief.
Anyhow, things here have been well. Only thought about you know who (and if you don't know that's for me to know and you NEVER to find out.....**evil laugh**) once, which is good for me. I have been exercising my right to being random, (I wonder if being completely random is a sign of autism or insanity,) and overall just enjoying spending time with good people. Last night was especially interesting. I was hanging out with some friends when all of a sudden Steven (an old flame, in which the spark was more from me than him,) cam breezing in looking absolutely fantastic. I wanted to shoot him for strolling in looking so good. So he talks to every single person there, owning the room as he always did when I liked him. Such a player, yet he’s so friggin’ charming he knows it, which is dangerous. Any guy who KNOWS he’s charming is dangerous, ladies. Remember that.
So anyhow I casually make my way over to him and we engage in the ridiculous small talk that we always do when I see him. He checks me out, I can feel him doing that when I look away. A teensy part of me wonders if he can tell if I’ve lost weight, but then I remember his mother. Ah, yes, the lovely woman who thought that I wasn’t “suitable” for her “up and coming” boy. Well whoop de do, her little boy (Steven’s younger brother,) got some girl pregnant and was forced into a shotgun wedding, so nobody’s a saint. Anyhow, he tells me he’s thinking of going back to school for his master’s, and he’s currently working in nuclear medicine (NUCLEAR MEDICINE!!!) at one of the local hospitals. I tell him I am slowly working towards my master’s degree, but shoot; after he said the words nuclear medicine anything I said would have seemed small. Trivial even. So then Val comes in later on and tells me he’s single again, Steven broke up with his fiancée when he realized she wasn’t the right one. And just a teensy weensy part of me thought……hmmm. But you know what I did, dear diary? He was hanging around for a LONG time, and every time I turned around he was RIGHT BEHIND me, but I walked away. And I feel pretty good about that. I can still remember the way his mother looked at me when I tried to help her pass her CNA test. Such disgust in her eyes. Like there would never be any way I would be enough. And there’s no way that the quirky relationship between him and his parents there would ever be a way for me to belong. Besides, he’s a player.
Honestly, these last few weeks have been like, déjà vu of the exes. The only one I haven’t seen lately that I went out with is Daniel, and I hear that he’s lost his license for good on all those DUI charges. Such a shame, he’s a nice guy (and built like an underwear model. Whoa.) But hey, I guess this is a way for me to face my fears, so to speak. Face my mistakes, wake up and see what my life would have been like, and know that I am better off because of what transpired. For instance if anything would have went on with Steven I would not be working, going to school or driving, because that’s the way his family believes according to their religion. I don’t want that for me. Heck his mom doesn’t even wear makeup or cut her hair, and the first time she saw me I had a pixie haircut and tons of eye makeup. No wonder she hated me. She probably thought I was some cling-on hussy looking for a nice rich boy to marry. No thanks, I’ll make my own dough, wear makeup and drive myself to work. And with Daniel I probably would have to bail him out of jail every week and drag him out of the bar every weekend. What sort of life is that? Not much of one. It’s not really worth all that just for a hot body. Eventually with all that alcohol he’s going to turn into Flubber, so that nice body is gonna fade away and the alcoholism will live on until HE chooses to quit. Another example of how me liking him wasn’t enough for him to quit. Oh well, I can’t be someone else’s babysitter.
So anyhow, I get hit on last night by this 37 year old. He’s like, “Yo, do you know you are a good lookin’ woman?” “Um, thanks. You know, I REALLY have to go, take care now.” At least he didn’t spit chewing tobacco spit on the ground after he said it. That would have just taken the cake. There’s only one 37 year old I would like telling me I am good looking, but he’s a movie star and frankly I’ll never meet him, so enough of that garbage.
**Sighs.** Single in the city. That’s me. And since Misty is now engaged to that ridiculous nincompoop, I am the last of my friends to be single. Even Pam is super serious about that…..what’s his name….Chris I think. Christina is getting married very soon. Crap, even Justin has had the same woman forever. Maybe they are right, I am going to be an old maid. Heaven knows that by the time I get my Master’s degree I’ll probably get hit on by the guys who see a woman who has a little money and think they can mooch off of me. Perhaps I never will have anyone who will see the real me. Perhaps I should be used to it by now. Perhaps, perhaps.
I guess for one thing I am told I intimidate some people. Not my friends, and certainly not my parents. They could still knock me into next week. But people that I don’t know very well say that I am intimidating to them. I am 6’ tall, sure. I’m a bloody Amazon. That’s no secret. But I guess it’s that combined with working in a supervisory position, using “big words” so to speak, and a few other things. Things that I have no real control over. I can’t change what can’t be changed. Good gracious.
Another thing which I find more than a little aggravating is the leering from the old men. Not the guys at the nursing home, they’re old and most of them have dementia, so they can’t even remember where the bathroom is, let alone do any harm. But the leering from these old perverts in the outside world; be it at a gas station, grocery store, or even the infamous Laundromat (Remember the “Are you lonesome” thing? That guy was back last week. **Shudders**) Some of these people are so gross about it I feel like I need a bath by the end of the day. And I am sure it’s not just me, good gracious I am not conceited about this or anything. But geez, I feel like I’ve been stripped naked when I go to the grocery store. Sometimes I will wear a hat or no makeup, and STILL there’s nasty people who abound. What do they really get out of staring at a tall blonde chick with a big butt? It’s not like I am some side show circus performer like the Bearded Lady. Gimme a break. Its occasions like this I would rather be invisible. I know you girls know what I am talking about.
So I am standing in line this morning at Kroger. Never mind the fact that it’s like one in the morning, I am shopping at Kroger. I like shopping that time of night, because you practically own the store. Sometimes I feel like doing something nuts, like seeing how fast I can fill up a buggy with poultry ala Supermarket Sweep. But since there’s cameras in there I resist the urge. So anyhow, there’s a good looking man in a distinguished suit and overpriced loafers behind me, and these two eegits about 20 years old in front of me. All of a sudden it smells like rotten eggs in the aisle. Now I know I DID NOT do anything, and the businessman doesn’t look like he’s capable of letting out a fart. Therefore that only leaves two culprits. They have this ridiculous Cheshire cat grin on their faces and proceed to give me the infamous “Joey” look from “Friends.” How you doin’? Ugh. And men consider this attractive? Honestly, when the express lane opened up I was never so happy to get out of there in my life.
If this keeps up I am seriously going to see what the nunnery has to offer, and I’m not even Catholic.
Oh well, I will write something more flirty and poetic another time. Have a good night, and God Bless….
A toast to free spirited ways....forever!
Current mood: artistic
I’ve been neglecting you these days, I know. It’s sad that one of the few certainties in my life is that I still have the ability to write, even though I have been slacking quite a bit. And yet in these last few weeks I haven’t really had that much to say. Inspiration just hasn’t struck me with much of anything profound. I don’t suppose that’s a bad thing, for if one were to sit and ponder anything profound every single day I would think they would go mad. Either that or they are baked every single day, and that’s not my thing.
I have learned some things over these last few weeks as well, and I have been busy with various get-togethers and other things with family, friends, and boring co-workers. I have eaten enough food to feed a small village for three days, which I think most of us do around this time of year, though that doesn’t make it justified.
One of the things I have learned is that if life continues on this path I am on, I have no intentions of ever getting married. That’s right. NEVER. And I’ll be just fine with that. Too many times I have heard of people who are miserable in their relationships, and I think to myself, “Why on earth would I want that?” Then after they talk about how sad they are, they attempt to smooth over the situation with, “Oh, but YOU’LL find someone.” Yeah, right. This is the girl that if there’s a ½ chance of getting a free prize under a pop bottle lid, “Please try again.” So I don’t foresee this ever becoming a reality, no white knights to rescue damsels, no men of honor and valor and all those things that used to be important. These girls that I have talked to, my great friends (and some not so great friends) all talk about how great things were in the beginning. But then the husbands changed, became controlling, demanding, and verbally and physically abusive or simply treated them as though they were invisible. They took no stock in their dreams anymore, because their dreams died when they married these men. By this time the women have children, and to not break up the families they stay with the men who in essence……break them. Break their spirit, break their confidence, and make them believe that without them they are worthless. I would rather spend the rest of my days without any sort of suitor (do people still say suitor? Who cares?) then to live my life under the thumbnail of someone else. It would kill me, more painfully than any wound ever could. I have big dreams, and while this may be construed as selfish, then that is my choice to make.
I love my family and friends. I have no idea where I would be without my family, and though they aggravate me sometimes to the point of sickness, they are blood. Nothing can take that away. Nothing. And real friends, not those people who sit there and claim to be BFF or whatever other ridiculous acronym and then stab you in the back. I had a dinner last night with my four closest friends, and I truly think that it was just as therapeutic for every member of this little group sitting there. There’s the girl desperately trying to break free from her parents, even using a man she doesn’t love to get away, though she’s miserable because it’s not the man she really cares about and secretly pines for. There’s the lady who has had the most amazing love affair with her husband of almost 40 years, who tells great tales of her and this man that she loves forever. And she considers it an honor to eat with us….no; it’s us who are honored. There’s my wild and crazy friend who just found out she’s pregnant...and her eldest will graduate high school soon. And let’s not forget my other great friend who longs to break free and be allowed to be herself, but a selfish man keeps her from HER dream. And then there’s me….the dreamer. The girl with her head in the clouds who is trying to find her place, her path to greatness. We’ve agreed to meet if nothing else once a month at the same place, to just sit and catch up on us. Just us. Our lives. What a priceless gift friends are.
Another thing I have learned about myself is that there are some things in this world that make me very happy, having nothing to do with relationships or romance or any of that nonsense. I love to write, for one thing. My English teacher introduced me to it long ago, and Nick helped me get reacquainted with it, through this blog for one thing. And though Nick is no longer available for comment, for he has made himself unavailable through making promises to talk at this time or that and then not being there, knowing him was not a total loss, for he taught me something. Regardless of who the person is who enters or leaves your life if you have learned something from them then it wasn’t a total loss in their departure. So wherever you are Nick, be safe, and do great things with your life.
I love shooting photographs. I love everything about it. I love going out and seeking that next shot, I love the energy that surrounds me while I set up, I love that feeling when I have taken the shot, and I love the creations that I come up with. Granted there are shots that are terrible, and I contemplate the lighting or the angle or whatever tedious little flaw that could have been improved. But it makes me feel….alive. Really alive somehow. It’s almost as though whatever is going on in the universe is somehow all right through making something beautiful.
I have learned not to take most social interaction very seriously, especially those which involve the Internet. Let’s face it, most people just get on there and blah, blah, blah with someone else because they are bored, not because they wish to find a longstanding friendship with anyone. So take everything which is said and done on the computer with a grain of salt. Out of the people I have talked to this year via the computer, only one has been there through it all, and that includes my two best childhood friends: Richard. He’s a great man, and I suppose he’ll do great and wonderful things with his life. I wish him well, and I value his friendship. God Bless Richard. And God Bless Pam and Justin too, my friends throughout much of my life in this state. I know whatever choices they make they’ll be the right ones, because they’ll be the choices they want to make. If that makes any sense at all.
I have learned that I am very very independent and “hopelessly flawed” as Jo puts it from “Little Women.” And I am ok with that. I don’t have a perfect body, and I have a bad temper at times and sometimes I wear my heart on my sleeve (which I intend to change that,) and many other things. But this is me. God accepts me, my family and friends accept me, though for whatever reason I am not sure. So it should just make sense that I should accept me as well.
I have learned that I have loved once, maybe twice. It’s not really my fault of the one, for I should have known better than to trust a conniving pothead whore. It’s entirely his loss that he did not want a good woman. But the other was entirely my fault, for I could have had the love of someone very amazing, and yet I threw it away. And now he has moved away from here back to his home in the same state as his parents, and I haven’t seen him in almost a year. Dear Heaven, how I miss him, and how I mistrusted myself. He was the only man since my birth dad that has ever intimidated me. And yet he inspired me at the same time. Caring for the one was like nursing a wounded soldier, but caring for this man was like tending a wildfire with a bucket of water. Totally different, and yet utterly the same result. And yet I am not bitter, or resigned, or depressed. Content, that’s the word. Content with me, content in the knowledge that I did indeed care twice in one lifetime. And content that I have amazing stories yet to be written, secrets yet unheard, beautiful and haunting places left to see, and mysteries to unravel. My spirit is intact, my heart is healing, my mind is as full of ideas as ever, and my life is out there. Soon it shall be time to get out there and grab it.
Merry Christmas, and God Bless. C`est la vie.
Closing One Chapter and Opening another…My Life is Waiting…
Current Mood: Relieved, seriously this time.
Today is a good day. A day of discovery. A day of hopefully utilizing some inherent wisdom. A day for me to finally come to grips with reality and get back my sense of self-respect. Yep, today is a good day. You know who has lied for the last time, to me anyhow. He lied about where he was going last month, he lied about his very sexy relationship with another woman, he lied about his drug use (he claimed he didn’t do anything for months,) he lied about not knowing it was me on the other end of the phone when she picked up the phone. All of these things could maybe possibly have been….I hate to say it…overlooked, had it not have been for the fact that he lied. A guy told me yesterday, “It’s impossible for a man to always tell the truth to a woman.” Well, that’s where you are wrong. This woman would much rather has someone tell her the bloody truth than to have to hear it from another source. Obviously though I loved him dearly, my love wasn’t enough for him. It’s a shame really, having your heart stomped on. It’s not a total loss if you learn something from the situation. And boy I know I have learned something about myself and life in the last few days.
But in any case, it’s done. The past cannot be changed, nor do I think I would want it to at this point. I have spent the last month of my life blaming myself, hating myself, cursing myself and doing things and saying things that I had no business doing or saying. Now I have to answer to God for those actions. I think the breaking point for me was when I had literally stressed out so bad that I had given myself a migraine. The worst one I have ever had in my life. It was the kind that has the nausea that’s so bad you wish you could purge just to relieve some of the tension, but you can’t. So I am laying there in the fetal position when I think: is this really worth it? Is this really the path you want to take?
So today is the first day in one month where I feel absolute peace of mind. I let myself smile, not a forced thing either. I laughed already a couple of times, and it’s only 8 am as I am writing this. I hadn’t laughed in nearly two weeks. It feels good to laugh.
I believe that this is truly divine intervention. Yeah, call me crazy. I don’t really care. I am going to get my self-respect back. I am realizing that I need no validation from some guy to understand that I have self-worth. This is my day to be my own cheerleader. There is a real sense of finality to all of this. Finally, after weeks of questioning everything, questioning who I was and the very things I believe in, I feel…..free. It’s as though I was carrying around a boulder, and last night it was lifted off of me.
It feels good to be back among the living. I am reminded of the new George Strait song, “She Let Herself Go.” That’s gonna be me. No, I wasn’t married, but I felt…obligated somehow to be available in case….in case what? I am not even sure anymore. But I do know that I feel more alive today, more sure of myself than I have in a long time. The old me is coming back…I’ve missed her. I think it’s time I catch up to Sally, my sister in the Quarter-Life Crisis. Except, it’s not a crisis anymore. It’s a conviction…
Watch out world…Ladyhawke is alive and well.
Philosophy, what is real and the grey area.......
Current Mood: Thoughtful
Have you ever wondered what is real? Philosophy class today discussed what is real, and some of the aspects in life that may be considered more or less real. Of course most of the class agreed that tangible things are real, such as the chair we were sitting on or the person seated across from us, the blackboard, etc. But what about those things which we cannot see? Is sound real? Just because you cannot see it with your own eyes does that make it an illusion or figment of your imagination? Or how about more abstract things such as truth, beauty, love, God, freedom or morality? Just because there is no clear-cut way of seeing these things with the naked eye does that make them untrue? If that is the case then how is it that we recognize that something is beautiful or that we are in love? How do we know that God really exists, based on the theory that only what we see is real? How can we judge what is moral or just if morality cannot be seen? And can someone be pure evil or pure good? Where is the grey area in all of this?
The purpose of this class to begin with is to judge for yourself where you stand on certain issues and how those viewpoints differ from those around you. Nobody argued that there is an existence of God, which surprised me. Either everyone in the room believed in at least the existence of God or they didn’t want to speak out because the majority believed in God. If the latter is true it’s a shame because everyone deserves to have their viewpoint heard, even if everyone else disagrees. I was once in a class in which everyone that was speaking out was a firm believer in Darwinism. Me and my big mouth of course disagreed, sometimes with comebacks that had no validity whatsoever, such as, “I know I didn’t derive from a monkey.” Yet when the grades were handed out I was given an “A” for my demonstration of defiance so to speak. It seems to me that if someone has an opposing view that they should feel comfortable enough to share it with people, or at least stand up for their point of view. It was a pity that didn’t happen tonight. I believe in the existence of God and I have faith that He is real because I have a relationship with Him. Not in some perverted way, but I believe He sent His Son to die on the cross for our sins, not so we can have a crutch to fall back on when we do things wrong, but “So that the whole world may be saved.” Of course that takes faith, only the size of a mustard seed to believe, but faith is something that a lot of people are lacking in, if for no other reason than the catastrophes that surround our world today. War, famine, sex, drugs, greed, big business, murder and so on. We are given the right to choose our own path, and often that is not the right one, but that’s what free will is all about.
As far as some other abstract things such as love and beauty, how does society define what is beauty? And how do we know that we are in love? Should we accept what society says about these things just because the majority believes in them?
Beauty to me is art. Nature is beautiful, even the tiniest bug can be perceived as having beauty because it is something that was created, not materialized. Beauty is random acts of kindness, doing the right thing “just because” not because of the hope of some sort of reward. To be kind to someone without thinking about the possible profits of doing so….is beautiful to me. Honesty is beautiful.
Love…..well, I am certainly not the expert on this issue. I believe that it is easily one of the most frustrating and joyous of emotions there are. And a lot of it has to do with emotion, otherwise we would just pick someone who seems well-suited to us and love them. Unfortunately that isn’t the case. We are not creatures that simply “choose” because it’s convenient (at least I hope the whole world isn’t like that, otherwise I have been sorely mistaken throughout my life.) Love to me is about wanting to be with someone sure, but it is also about becoming one….entity? That’s a strange word to use, but hear me out. It’s about the other person’s pain becoming yours, their joy is your joy, and the mention of their name brings a smile to your face. It’s about wanting to know everything about that person, yet not being pushy if they are not ready to tell you. It’s about praying for that person more than you pray for yourself, and if this person decides you are not worthy of being with them, having the strength to be happy for them and be willing to let go (easier said than done for me.) Of course you want this person to love you as you do them, but if they don’t it’s love that keeps you from hating them or yourself when things don’t work out. Like Nick has told me before, even if someone abuses your love you can say that you did love. At first when I heard that I was angry, but I get it now. If nothing else in my lifetime I can say honestly that I did love someone. That the very thought of them lifted my spirit in ways I never would have imagined, and probably they would not have cared, but that’s another story in itself. Anyhow, there’s comfort in knowing that I at least have had the capacity to love, even though my experience with it is that it has been unrequited.
Oh well, time to get off of the soapbox. Complaining or wishing something so bad you can’t stand it won’t take away from the fact that it isn’t going to happen. I’ll discuss more Philosophy as it comes to me. In the meantime I am going to go watch an hour of mind-numbing television. Take care and God Bless, whatever and whoever you are and whatever circumstances you are going through. Have faith, you’ll overcome them. This too shall pass.
A girl who still believes in “the third grey.”